I have a particularly self destructive belief. I found its effect on me as a result of forcing myself to approach women. I would begin an approach and find that I was acting as if I had already been rejected. I was assuming that the interaction would end with them rejecting me. It was as though failure was built into my frame. My belief was that no woman would ever want me. In other words game was futile. I could do everything right and still always fail. This was, of course, irrational (and somewhat melodramatic) , but it was a belief I had to deal with. I could not reason my way out of it, I could not ignore it, and I could not turn it off (at least not directly). Not really having anything to lose, I listened to it. This does not mean that I accepted that the belief was true, it means that I became completely aware of it. It was like studying a disease and knowing it intimately so that I could avoid it in the future or create an antidote. I have many self-limiting beliefs like this. To cure myself of them I had to become fully aware of the problem. In a sense I had to know these beliefs as intimately as I know game so that I could learn to avoid them. Since denying a weakness is a waste of time I made a habit of examining these beliefs and I have learned some very important things.
First: Beliefs come from somewhere, they do not just appear fully formed in your mind. They have a reason for being there and finding that reason is very important for correcting them. For example, I recently discovered that I have a problem maintaining boundaries with people. This resulted in allowing people to walk all over me or me walking all over them if the opportunity presented itself. I was able to correct this once I realized that my parents have the same problem. Now that I am aware of this I insist on boundaries with my parents and for that matter, everyone. Without those boundaries I cannot protect myself. Boundaries are necessary to confident and if I let them down with the people closest to me I lose that confidence.
Second: Critics are frequently a source of poor advice. They will tell you their beliefs regardless of whether those beliefs will help you achieve you goals. Ignore them. Instead look for people who have done what you are trying to do and look for their advice. Adopt their frame. If they are successful there is a reason. Game is a perfect example. Every man who is successful with women seems to use at least a portion the ideas in game. Limit who you listen to, and do not let other's self-doubt become your self-doubt.
Third: Find the source of your faulty frame and avoid it. You may have learned your beliefs from parents, friends, the media, or society. Wherever they came from separate yourself from that source, whether mentally or physically. For me I am seriously considering Roissy’s advice: “If [everything else] fails, consider physically moving away from [them] . . . Friends, family, everyone. Gather your savings, quit your job, and move to a new city or even a new country.
Fourth: Write you beliefs about yourself down, both good and bad. As you grow and learn new beliefs, being able to return to the changes you have made will reinforce those changes.
It has taken me awhile to get past the majority of my self limiting beliefs. There are many left to uncover, but I am at a place where game can work for me. While I seriously doubt that this is going to get much easier, if I want to be happy do I have any choice but to keep working at it?
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Straight Talk On the Rooftop Sex Controversy
For those who may have missed it, the fine, young gentlemen of Kappa Sigma of USC are in the news again. This time, a member got busted for rooftop sex. It turns out this was happening during a philanthropy event in the quad below, and hundreds witnessed it. Of course, that was undoubtedly planned - the two wouldn't have been right at the edge if they weren't getting off on the exhibitionism. The photos were taken by a kid in the dorm across the quad, and it was the fear for the couple's safety as they approached the edge of the roof that reportedly inspired another kid to call 911.
Most of the commentary on this event has been predictable and boring, but last night Tucker Max went on the Joy Behar show and weighed in. It was a very interesting discussion. My thoughts and the video can be found here.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
It's a Small, Hypergamous World
It's been less than two years since I was first introduced to the concept of female hypergamy - the desire for a woman to be with a mate of the highest possible status. This desire will drive women to "trade up" when given the opportunity. For that reason, it profits men to maintain as high a level of status as possible. Though prestige and affluence clearly play a role, women often prioritize a man's level of social dominance as the most telling predictor of mate fitness.
For obvious reasons, this "instinct" often malfunctions in contemporary terms. The thug who may provide strong physical genes that will enable your offspring to survive infancy is also an unpleasant individual, lacking partnership skills. Yet the thug, and the many variations on that "bad boy," will often attract more women than stable, attractive, productive men without the dangerous edge.
The Sexual Revolution, ushered in by the Pill and the Women's Movement, unleashed female sexuality in an unprecedented way. The result has been a hypergamous free-for-all, with women demanding increasingly long checklists of features from men as qualifications for dating. No one wants to "settle," so we've created a sociosexual environment where a brilliant and attractive professional may go without a date if he isn't the male that all other males turn to for guidance on what's cool. Never mind that he's doing brilliant research - it will count for less than the ability to walk off a rugby field battered and bloody but still smiling.
I believe that this sorry state of affairs is worst in the U.S., since feminism is more entrenched here than anywhere else, and most contemporary cultural trends (including hookup culture), originate here. This weekend, though, I encountered thought-provoking examples demonstrating that hypergamy is thriving around the world.
My husband and I watched the film Leaving (Partir) starring Kristin Scott Thomas, who seems to have made something of a career of acting bilingually in French films. She plays a wife and mother living a gracious and comfortable life. Her husband, a successful doctor, is guilty of having fallen into the routine of taking her for granted, but so has she - they're a typical affluent couple approaching middle age, and their marriage is boring.
She throws it all away for an ex-con who roams from short-term gig to gig, and she destroys numerous lives in the process, including her own. My husband was surprised (and reassured) by the strength of my reaction to the total selfishness of Scott Thomas' character. My impression was that the female director sympathized with her more than I did. The film received critical praise, and I recommend it highly. No effort required - we streamed it from Netflix.
I then spent much of Sunday with my nose buried in a book I simply can't put down: To the End of the Land, by David Grossman. From Amazon:
To the End of the Land is a book of mourning for those not dead, a mother's lament for life during a wartime that has no end in sight. At the same time, it's joyously and almost painfully alive, full to the point of rupture with the emotions and the endless quotidian details of a few deeply imagined lives.
Ora, the Israeli mother in Grossman's story, is surrounded by men: Ilan and Avram, friends and lovers who form with her a love triangle whose intimacies and alliances fit no familiar shape, and their sons Adam and Ofer, one for each father, from whom Ora feels her separation like a wound.
When Ofer, freshly released from his army service, volunteers for an action in the West Bank instead of going on a planned hike with his mother in the north of Israel, she goes instead with Avram, who fathered Ofer but has never met him and has lived in near-seclusion since being tortured as a prisoner in the Yom Kippur war three decades before. As they walk and carefully reveal themselves to each other again, Grossman builds an overwhelming portrait of, as one character says, the "thousands of moments and hours and days" that make "one person in the world," and of the power of war to destroy such a person, even--or especially--when they survive its cruel demands.
Grossman, whose own son was killed during the 2006 Israel-Lebanon conflict, writes directly from the heart in this scorching antiwar novel.
Ora, Ilan and Avram meet in a hospital in 1967 when all three are recovering from serious hepatitis, and forge a lifelong bond. Ilan is emotionally distant, but intimidating, and on one occasion he kisses Ora in a feverish state that makes her weak in the knees. In contrast, Avram is smart and funny and incredibly present emotionally. Here is the text of a telegram he later sent Ora, after they'd been released:
"It was not love at first sight because I loved you long before that stop before I met you stop I love you backwards too stop even before I existed stop because I only became me when I met you stop."
I guess you know who got the girl.
Avram, a prolific writer, continues to share his thoughts in letters to Ora, who pulls back after receiving his telegram. He shows amazing insight, and no resentment whatsoever, in this excerpt:
"Last night I was at a jazz show with Ilan (who keeps trying to peek over my arm at what I'm writing, even though he continues to insist that he's not interested in you!). Anyway...I was able to pull together some of the opinions I've been gathering about girls lately, and I came up with some well-founded and interesting theories about them, and mainly about you.
I believe that, ultimately, you will not tie your fate with mine but with some other dude, Ilan or someone of his ilk, the point is, a guy who will definitely not tickle your navel with giggles like I do, and won't drive your mind wild with sharp observations like I do, and make every organ of your body tremble with pleasure like I do. But the thing is, he'll be hunkier, much hunkier, and calmer and more solid, and mainly more understandable to you than I am. Yes: that in the end you'll mate for life with some gorgeous, grave-looking, silver-haired alpha male.
...For I suspect, my duplicitous Ora, that deep in the depths of your light-filled and beautiful soul (which, I do not need to tell you, I love very much) lies a minuscule recess (like the ones in some corner stores, where they keep the old preserves?) that is, forgive me, slightly narrow-minded in matters of love. Of true love, I mean.
..I can only eat my heart out over the fact that it didn't happen to you with me, that revelation of love (because love is a revelation!!), because I was so close (fuckit, hissed the defeated Avram as he poured out his wrath), and that's also something I feel quite a lot in my life, the almost-happened, and I only hope it won't be the guiding principle of my life, the main tenet of all the guiding principles of my life."
"Yours, Dispirited by Torments."
I'm honestly not sure what to make of these inter-cultural confirmations of unchecked hypergamy. Game is a response that turns Avrams into Ilans. But it turns out, of course, that Ilan wasn't such a great catch - he remained remote, and selfish as well.
Forgive the cliche, but all I can think of is Fitzgerald's immortal closing sentence:
"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."
The Sexual Revolution, ushered in by the Pill and the Women's Movement, unleashed female sexuality in an unprecedented way. The result has been a hypergamous free-for-all, with women demanding increasingly long checklists of features from men as qualifications for dating. No one wants to "settle," so we've created a sociosexual environment where a brilliant and attractive professional may go without a date if he isn't the male that all other males turn to for guidance on what's cool. Never mind that he's doing brilliant research - it will count for less than the ability to walk off a rugby field battered and bloody but still smiling.
I believe that this sorry state of affairs is worst in the U.S., since feminism is more entrenched here than anywhere else, and most contemporary cultural trends (including hookup culture), originate here. This weekend, though, I encountered thought-provoking examples demonstrating that hypergamy is thriving around the world.
My husband and I watched the film Leaving (Partir) starring Kristin Scott Thomas, who seems to have made something of a career of acting bilingually in French films. She plays a wife and mother living a gracious and comfortable life. Her husband, a successful doctor, is guilty of having fallen into the routine of taking her for granted, but so has she - they're a typical affluent couple approaching middle age, and their marriage is boring.
She throws it all away for an ex-con who roams from short-term gig to gig, and she destroys numerous lives in the process, including her own. My husband was surprised (and reassured) by the strength of my reaction to the total selfishness of Scott Thomas' character. My impression was that the female director sympathized with her more than I did. The film received critical praise, and I recommend it highly. No effort required - we streamed it from Netflix.
I then spent much of Sunday with my nose buried in a book I simply can't put down: To the End of the Land, by David Grossman. From Amazon:
To the End of the Land is a book of mourning for those not dead, a mother's lament for life during a wartime that has no end in sight. At the same time, it's joyously and almost painfully alive, full to the point of rupture with the emotions and the endless quotidian details of a few deeply imagined lives.
Ora, the Israeli mother in Grossman's story, is surrounded by men: Ilan and Avram, friends and lovers who form with her a love triangle whose intimacies and alliances fit no familiar shape, and their sons Adam and Ofer, one for each father, from whom Ora feels her separation like a wound.
When Ofer, freshly released from his army service, volunteers for an action in the West Bank instead of going on a planned hike with his mother in the north of Israel, she goes instead with Avram, who fathered Ofer but has never met him and has lived in near-seclusion since being tortured as a prisoner in the Yom Kippur war three decades before. As they walk and carefully reveal themselves to each other again, Grossman builds an overwhelming portrait of, as one character says, the "thousands of moments and hours and days" that make "one person in the world," and of the power of war to destroy such a person, even--or especially--when they survive its cruel demands.
Grossman, whose own son was killed during the 2006 Israel-Lebanon conflict, writes directly from the heart in this scorching antiwar novel.
Ora, Ilan and Avram meet in a hospital in 1967 when all three are recovering from serious hepatitis, and forge a lifelong bond. Ilan is emotionally distant, but intimidating, and on one occasion he kisses Ora in a feverish state that makes her weak in the knees. In contrast, Avram is smart and funny and incredibly present emotionally. Here is the text of a telegram he later sent Ora, after they'd been released:
"It was not love at first sight because I loved you long before that stop before I met you stop I love you backwards too stop even before I existed stop because I only became me when I met you stop."
I guess you know who got the girl.
Avram, a prolific writer, continues to share his thoughts in letters to Ora, who pulls back after receiving his telegram. He shows amazing insight, and no resentment whatsoever, in this excerpt:
"Last night I was at a jazz show with Ilan (who keeps trying to peek over my arm at what I'm writing, even though he continues to insist that he's not interested in you!). Anyway...I was able to pull together some of the opinions I've been gathering about girls lately, and I came up with some well-founded and interesting theories about them, and mainly about you.
I believe that, ultimately, you will not tie your fate with mine but with some other dude, Ilan or someone of his ilk, the point is, a guy who will definitely not tickle your navel with giggles like I do, and won't drive your mind wild with sharp observations like I do, and make every organ of your body tremble with pleasure like I do. But the thing is, he'll be hunkier, much hunkier, and calmer and more solid, and mainly more understandable to you than I am. Yes: that in the end you'll mate for life with some gorgeous, grave-looking, silver-haired alpha male.
...For I suspect, my duplicitous Ora, that deep in the depths of your light-filled and beautiful soul (which, I do not need to tell you, I love very much) lies a minuscule recess (like the ones in some corner stores, where they keep the old preserves?) that is, forgive me, slightly narrow-minded in matters of love. Of true love, I mean.
..I can only eat my heart out over the fact that it didn't happen to you with me, that revelation of love (because love is a revelation!!), because I was so close (fuckit, hissed the defeated Avram as he poured out his wrath), and that's also something I feel quite a lot in my life, the almost-happened, and I only hope it won't be the guiding principle of my life, the main tenet of all the guiding principles of my life."
"Yours, Dispirited by Torments."
I'm honestly not sure what to make of these inter-cultural confirmations of unchecked hypergamy. Game is a response that turns Avrams into Ilans. But it turns out, of course, that Ilan wasn't such a great catch - he remained remote, and selfish as well.
Forgive the cliche, but all I can think of is Fitzgerald's immortal closing sentence:
"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."
Alpha Mail: alpha-watching and hamster-wheeling
Sarah's Daughter busts a friend who was texting her while alpha-watching:
It also shows that the characteristic ALPHA ruthlessness with regards to women is entirely justified. Why shouldn't they treat women with contempt and cruelty when women who don't even know them are hoping to see them get emotionally crushed? And finally it shows how self-deluded women can be with regards to what happens to turn their own cranks. Jill asserts that she is a nerd girl who likes quiet intellectual types... but there were probably ten or more quiet intellectual types that she was ignoring while staring in rapt fascination at the grandstanding antics of the young alpha.
NB: It's also interesting to note that Jill has heard the term "peacocking", but quite clearly doesn't know what is is. The concept is related to how a man dresses and accessorizes, hence the term, not how he behaves.
Jill: So I’m sitting at the pool with the kids, this teenThe exchange is as amusing as it is informative. Sarah's Daughter is correct; despite being "off the market", her friend betrays an almost inappropriate obsession with the young man, in part because his natural assurance is at odds with his actual abilities. The desire to see him taken down a peg is closely related to the desire to have sex with him. It is indifference that is the opposite of desire, not critical fascination.
guy is talking to his buddies about how there weren’t any hot chicks at some place, then bragging about his muscle tone on his back. I’m thinking he’s what is wrong with female self esteem. I look up and he is NOTHING to look at, pimples and boney haha. God I’d love to be every insecure girls’ voice saying "sweetie, he’s really NOT all that." He’s bragging about sit ups and saying bad things about other
recruits. Lmao
Kari: I would burst his lil bubble!!!!
Jill: Still bragging! This guy is out of control and he can’t swim for shit though he is totally talking like he can. His buddies were laughing at him behind his back.
Jill: Its ok, a girls swim team just showed up, all business. They make him look like the chump he is. Girl power! Haha. I think he just joined the army, lmao, no wonder John is getting out, I would too after I saw this jackass joining.
Kari: Love the Douche Bags they let in! And most likely he’s an officer lmao!
Me: A kid with that kind of confidence will land himself a hottie. Girls love that, especially if he treats them a lil’ shitty and aloof. Tweaks her hamster a bit. Good on him. I'm also partial to an officer with confidence. Though a bit different than this kid, it never crosses his mind that he's not hot, no need to talk about it. The teen is a hoss in the works.
Jill: He was way past confidence, he was right into complete self denial and arrogance haha. But ya at that age most girls dig the jerk. Sad part was, I think he was too stuck on himself, I mean the boy couldn't talk enough about himself, I would really guess that he's the guy who does the air kiss to himself in the mirror hahaha. His buddies were stroking his ego to his face but as soon as he would clumsily go swim a lap, they would laugh at him and talk behind his back. I can only guess he’s a rich kid that people pretend to like. The swim team of leggy beauties didn't even give him a first look. He's that guy that only thinks you're a hot chick if you are into him. Turn him down and he's a total jerk. I watched him come out of the locker room to grab something and just started to laugh because he had that super smug look on his face with that grin like he’s thinking, ya you all want me lmao. I like confidence too, but man that kid was just wayyyyyy ahead of himself lol.
Me: Jill, he's called a "natural alpha male", the guys talking with him and then talking about him behind his back are what's known as beta males. Visualize parrot fish that feed off of the alpha, they maintain close contact with him because he always puts himself in the way of available women. He'd argue with you that it isn't arrogance, it's truth. The simple fact that you, a woman off the market, was paying attention gives credence to the magnetism of the natural alpha. When considering natural alphas (but not necessarily good looking) think Donald Trump, Ocho Cinco, Brett Favre, Bill Clinton, General Schwarzkopf...
Jill: Well I couldn’t not notice, he was standing in front of me, his buddies were almost standing on me. I know the alpha male stuff, I just thought it was funny. Also called peacocking minus the clothing of course.
Jill: You are right, though, I think after a while that fluff wears off. I definitely do not like arrogant alpha men as much as I like more intellectual quiet types. I’m a nerd girl lol. I admit, I'd love to see a hot woman just crush him a little and knock him down a peg.
Me: It’s rare when you see a natural, most guys are doing their best to emulate them. You are talking/behaving predictably having had one in your presence today. I'm seriously not trying to pick on you, but you are saying the exact things that all women say about Alphas. They hate them, however when in their "riding the carousel" years, they sleep with them.
Jill: I know haha, that’s what sucks about it! Its sad and true. When I was young I totally was drawn to the jerky alpha guys. Now if I were single I highly doubt I would be interested in a guy like him but at this age our needs are far surpassed as sexual ones. And lets face it when we are young we really don't have any other objective than to mate lol. Now though I find myself more interested in the nerdy guys, I enjoy having an intelligent conversation not one about how many sit ups a guy can do in a minute hahaha.
I thought I got my point across, no need to point out her lies of “I couldn’t not notice” considering she was watching him for quite some time. Nor her snowflaking.
It also shows that the characteristic ALPHA ruthlessness with regards to women is entirely justified. Why shouldn't they treat women with contempt and cruelty when women who don't even know them are hoping to see them get emotionally crushed? And finally it shows how self-deluded women can be with regards to what happens to turn their own cranks. Jill asserts that she is a nerd girl who likes quiet intellectual types... but there were probably ten or more quiet intellectual types that she was ignoring while staring in rapt fascination at the grandstanding antics of the young alpha.
NB: It's also interesting to note that Jill has heard the term "peacocking", but quite clearly doesn't know what is is. The concept is related to how a man dresses and accessorizes, hence the term, not how he behaves.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Maxim II: make her jealous
Roissy's Maxim II is a maxim that I had a fair amount of difficulty accepting, or understanding the value of, as a self-professed Christian man. Hadn’t I always been warned in Sunday school that jealousy is a sin? Why would I want to cause a spouse or a future spouse to sin? So I did a bit of study and discovered that the word jealous occurs 49 times in the NIV translation and not all of the occurrences are a negative inference for the word. Whereas the word Covet which is only listed 11 times and all are negative including the 10 commandments. Having mentioned the Bible in my post I can assume that the greatest experts of ancient texts in the entire world will rally around and dissect the proper meanings of the Arabic, Hebrew and Greek sources for the two words in question. Please do not. I mention it because that was a component of why I my inner delta so strenuously objected to this maxim.
Jealous: feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages (often followed by of ): He was jealous of his rich brother.
Covet: to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others: to covet another's property.
To the PUA this distinction may not mean much until the fling becomes a stalker, but to those of us with a background in churchianity this is an important distinction, because from many a pulpit these two words are used interchangeably. I have come to the conclusion that jealously is not inherently wrong, however, when a desire drives you to consider breaking the law (moral or legal) to obtain it, that desire then becomes wrong.
Is there a time when jealously is warranted and good? Yes. An example from my own life: The electronic toll booth informed me of a twice-weekly affair that sent my wife’s vehicle north away from the house at 5pm and south toward the house at 4am. Most would agree with me that this is an appropriate time for jealousy. Because the feeling of jealousy is so visceral it is difficult to look at it objectively in our modern paradigm of politeness, similarly it is difficult to distinguish it from covetousness. My jealousy at the time was driven in the following two veins: What was rightfully mine (I had paid the price to obtain the matching ring) had been taken from me. I was doing everything right (read BETA) and someone else was enjoying physical intimacy with my wife. Did I desire anything wrong morally or illegally? No, therefore I perceive feelings as jealousy.
Now that I have made the case that jealousy is not by its nature evil, let us consider the reasons why it is an effective component of game. While men are competitive in many arenas, women are very competitive in one specific area, that of obtaining a premier mate to procreate with. In competition, relative success and the resulting rivalry is one of the driving forces which motivates people to better their position within that specific measurement matrix. How many times have you heard the story of some great athlete who remembers a turning point when a coach cuts him from the team, or when some other important figure tells him he will “amount to nothing”. This specific painful rivalry becomes the driving force which propels them to great heights of success. The same thing is true for a woman. They are driven to mate with the best available man at a biological level. I am not saying woman are strictly beasts, but rather this is a biological driving force which they choose to either obey or not. The same concept is played out time and time again in animal herds and packs where the females compete for the attention of the best male, and in many cases physically beating away the competition. Jealousy plays upon this rivalry.
So am I suggesting overt manipulation? Maybe, but the reality is there is a biological instinct in every one of us. If you are not making the case to your wife’s hamster that you are the dominate male someone else will. If your wife notices other women flirting with you, it will remind them that you are a valuable catch, and when you go home, they remember that you chose them. Their hamster also spins the wheel considering Maxims VII and XVI. If you encourage the flirting of other women with you, it may even cause your wife to act out in a turf protective manner. Here is where I kill the sports analogy: Just like a competition on the court of rivals increases the male competitors skills, athletic prowess, and love for the game in the same way a woman’s competition will spur her on to pursue you all the more.
As I look back on my failed marriage, I did the exact opposite of what Game recommends. I discouraged flirting in front of my wife, and ignored flirting when she was not around. I had a big white-knighting complex. During one particularly silly s-test my wife accused me of flirting with my brother's fiancée. I failed miserably. I denied up and down the accusation, also tried the standard appeal to logic (uber fail). That s-test kept coming back and hitting me in the forehead for the three years that lead up to our divorce. Knowing what I know now the response would have been much different. In reality she was begging me to man up and tell her to quit the BS.
So learn from my mistake, flirt, flirt and then flirt some more, with your waitress, with the punk teen scanning your groceries, and tease your nieces at family events. Tell your wife about the lady at work who baked you muffins. Show your wife know you are a desired commodity, and enjoy the ensuing fireworks. Be warned, if you flirt, you will be s-tested. Be prepared.
-DJ
Jealous: feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages (often followed by of ): He was jealous of his rich brother.
Covet: to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others: to covet another's property.
To the PUA this distinction may not mean much until the fling becomes a stalker, but to those of us with a background in churchianity this is an important distinction, because from many a pulpit these two words are used interchangeably. I have come to the conclusion that jealously is not inherently wrong, however, when a desire drives you to consider breaking the law (moral or legal) to obtain it, that desire then becomes wrong.
Is there a time when jealously is warranted and good? Yes. An example from my own life: The electronic toll booth informed me of a twice-weekly affair that sent my wife’s vehicle north away from the house at 5pm and south toward the house at 4am. Most would agree with me that this is an appropriate time for jealousy. Because the feeling of jealousy is so visceral it is difficult to look at it objectively in our modern paradigm of politeness, similarly it is difficult to distinguish it from covetousness. My jealousy at the time was driven in the following two veins: What was rightfully mine (I had paid the price to obtain the matching ring) had been taken from me. I was doing everything right (read BETA) and someone else was enjoying physical intimacy with my wife. Did I desire anything wrong morally or illegally? No, therefore I perceive feelings as jealousy.
Now that I have made the case that jealousy is not by its nature evil, let us consider the reasons why it is an effective component of game. While men are competitive in many arenas, women are very competitive in one specific area, that of obtaining a premier mate to procreate with. In competition, relative success and the resulting rivalry is one of the driving forces which motivates people to better their position within that specific measurement matrix. How many times have you heard the story of some great athlete who remembers a turning point when a coach cuts him from the team, or when some other important figure tells him he will “amount to nothing”. This specific painful rivalry becomes the driving force which propels them to great heights of success. The same thing is true for a woman. They are driven to mate with the best available man at a biological level. I am not saying woman are strictly beasts, but rather this is a biological driving force which they choose to either obey or not. The same concept is played out time and time again in animal herds and packs where the females compete for the attention of the best male, and in many cases physically beating away the competition. Jealousy plays upon this rivalry.
So am I suggesting overt manipulation? Maybe, but the reality is there is a biological instinct in every one of us. If you are not making the case to your wife’s hamster that you are the dominate male someone else will. If your wife notices other women flirting with you, it will remind them that you are a valuable catch, and when you go home, they remember that you chose them. Their hamster also spins the wheel considering Maxims VII and XVI. If you encourage the flirting of other women with you, it may even cause your wife to act out in a turf protective manner. Here is where I kill the sports analogy: Just like a competition on the court of rivals increases the male competitors skills, athletic prowess, and love for the game in the same way a woman’s competition will spur her on to pursue you all the more.
As I look back on my failed marriage, I did the exact opposite of what Game recommends. I discouraged flirting in front of my wife, and ignored flirting when she was not around. I had a big white-knighting complex. During one particularly silly s-test my wife accused me of flirting with my brother's fiancée. I failed miserably. I denied up and down the accusation, also tried the standard appeal to logic (uber fail). That s-test kept coming back and hitting me in the forehead for the three years that lead up to our divorce. Knowing what I know now the response would have been much different. In reality she was begging me to man up and tell her to quit the BS.
So learn from my mistake, flirt, flirt and then flirt some more, with your waitress, with the punk teen scanning your groceries, and tease your nieces at family events. Tell your wife about the lady at work who baked you muffins. Show your wife know you are a desired commodity, and enjoy the ensuing fireworks. Be warned, if you flirt, you will be s-tested. Be prepared.
-DJ
The monstrous generation
Women are more naturally solipsistic than men. For whatever reason, this has always been the case. But the societal changes that have "liberated" women from what can be described as "civilized mores" or "patriarchal oppression" depending on your perspective have tended to act as a force multiplier on women's natural solipsism. The incident related below is interesting for the number of myths it explodes, as it shows that neither intelligence, education, nor non-European ethnicity is intrinsically sufficient to restrain fully blown female solipsism in pursuit of its momentary wants:
How do we explain this? Is the girl simply crazy? That's always possible. But more likely, the answer is to be found in the mother's response. "The mother told investigators she did not want to press charges against Hachero, because she had recently been accepted to several Ivy League colleges." There is the root of the problem. Take a naturally solipsistic person, raise them without any sense of personal accountability, and you create a monster. Far too many young women have been turned into such monsters by the failure of their parents to "oppress" them, or to put it another way, "civilize" them.
Just as women are forced to be aware that every charming man with a winning smile is a potential Ted Bundy, men need to be cognizant of the increasing possibility that a pretty young woman is a budding Rachel Hachero. Because if a girl will pull a gun on her own mother for nothing more than refusing to obey her, just imagine what she will be willing to do to you the first time you cross her.
A 17-year-old girl was charged Friday with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, unlawful possession of a firearm and battery after deputies say she pulled a gun on her mother during an argument. Rachel Anne Hachero was upset because her mother wouldn't co-sign on a vehicle purchase, according to a Lee County Sheriff's Office report. The teen's mother told investigators Hachero threatened to kill her when she refused to co-sign for the vehicle. Hachero then confronted her mother at home with a gun and pistol-whipped her head, according to the report.Now, there are certainly men capable of behaving in such a manner. The difference, however, is that these men are never elite college material; Miss Hachero has been accepted to several Ivy League universities. The strongest correlation to male criminal behavior is not poverty or race, but low IQ. Unlike his less intelligent brethren, a smart man is capable of seeing that pistol-whipping one's prospective co-signer is likely to produce far more cost than benefit to him and is therefore reluctant to act. A highly intelligent woman, on the other hand, is perfectly capable of making the same cost-benefit judgment, but then goes ahead and commits the crime anyhow.
How do we explain this? Is the girl simply crazy? That's always possible. But more likely, the answer is to be found in the mother's response. "The mother told investigators she did not want to press charges against Hachero, because she had recently been accepted to several Ivy League colleges." There is the root of the problem. Take a naturally solipsistic person, raise them without any sense of personal accountability, and you create a monster. Far too many young women have been turned into such monsters by the failure of their parents to "oppress" them, or to put it another way, "civilize" them.
Just as women are forced to be aware that every charming man with a winning smile is a potential Ted Bundy, men need to be cognizant of the increasing possibility that a pretty young woman is a budding Rachel Hachero. Because if a girl will pull a gun on her own mother for nothing more than refusing to obey her, just imagine what she will be willing to do to you the first time you cross her.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Sub-omega
Is there a letter in the Greek alphabet that comes after Omega?
Today, my wife created a "Points Reward" system for the privilege of sex. 10 points for doing the dishes, 20 for the laundry, etc. How many points do I need before I can have sex with her? 2300.This has to be a joke, or at the very least a serious exaggeration. If not, it serves as an extreme warning of what a man may have to expect should he absolve himself of responsibility for the household and submit to his wife. Women tend to have a predilection for organization and systems and gargantuan catalogs of petty rules; this works very well in some situations but is not particularly well-suited for complicated and unpredictable things like human relationships.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Negging as a cure for bitchiness
Michelle is a bitch. No one can say anything around without her sarcastic commentary. Her husband, Derek, is a very cheerful guy, but she does nothing but shit-test him. Having her around can bring a whole group down. I have wanted to call her a bitch to her face for a while now but refrained because her husband is a friend, and I doubt it would have much effect anyway. The only thing I could do was ignore her and try to avoid engaging her.
Today I could not avoid it. I was getting some lunch with Derek and found out half-way through that he had invited his wife. The first thing out of her mouth when she sat down was a shit-test directed at me. I failed miserably. The contempt just radiated off her. As she went to get her meal I pulled myself together and got into the right mind set. As soon as returned she lobbed another shit-test at me. I ignored it and asked Derek: "Is it the hormones?" (she is pregnant which makes the bitchiness even worse). She laughed and tried again. I asked her if she felt her IQ go down while pregnant. She laughed. Now I know that these were not really negs. They were closer to insults, but for this woman they were warranted. Throughout the meal I did nothing but neg and tease her. I teased her about being fat, stupid, and generally obnoxious and the more I did the more pleasant she became. I highly doubt that this approach would work with every grouchy pregnant woman but at least I found a way to make future interaction with this particular grouchy pregnant woman much more bearable.
(Names have been changed)
Friday, March 25, 2011
My first shit-test
The first time I felt the need to separate myself from my mother's influence I was eleven. Growing up I was a voracious reader and it was common for me to read a book per day. Over the years I found many favorites, many full of violence and adventure. This fed my already overactive imagination and as a result I had the desire to create stories of my own. One night I grabbed a notebook and started writing. I did not get very far. It was late and I did not know the first thing about moving a story forward. If I recall, I finished about three hand-written pages before writer's block set in and I went to bed. Despite my lack of ability, it was very important to me that I succeed. I wanted to write a whole novel, as good as the novels I read all the time. I wanted to create. Most importantly, though I did not know why, I had to keep my effort an absolute secret.
A few days later I found my mother going through my stuff. She was reading the few pages I had written and was full of praise for it. She loved it. I, on the other hand, became upset. I did not cry or throw a tantrum. Rather, I was at a complete loss for words. I tried to express that now that she knew about it, I could not finish the story. While she thought that it would help me to praise my work, what I just could not explain was that I was not trying to get any praise. I simply wanted to create something important. At some point my confused babbling got through to her and she realized that I was upset and she apologized. For what, I doubt she knew. What she never found out was that I never even tried to finish the story. I did not know it at the time but my need for privacy came from an instinctive need to become independent of my mother's influence.
This pattern occurred several times as I tried to become a man. I would become interested in doing something, frequently with a great deal of significance to me, and I would be determined to follow it through to the end. Then I would foolishly tell my mother and for some reason I would lose all desire to finish. After a while I noticed the pattern and tried not to tell her my goals but my need for approval was too strong and I would eventually tell her everything. As a result it became very difficult for me to commit and follow through on anything.
What I did not know was that I was looking for approval from the wrong place. At a certain age a boy be needs to be removed from his mother to begin learning from his father. This never happened for me. As far as I can tell I does not happen for many men. In Wild at Heart John Eldredge claims that every man has a 'wound' where he did not receive approval from his father. The statistics over at fatherhood.com tell a similar story. The need for approval from a father seems to be very important in a man's life.
I did not receive approval or guidance from my father. He was absent, not in body but in mind. He was never really aware of me. He was always lost in his own world. I waited for years for him to realize that I needed him to show me how to become a man, once going so far as to tell him that I needed him to show me. He never did. Eventually I stopped waiting. I simply decided that if he would not take responsibility for guiding me, then I would have to learn on my own. Because of this he has no say about my life and I refuse to ask for or take advice from him. Because that need can so easily sabotage my life I have closed that door to him. He cannot get that relationship back without asking for it.
I know that not getting approval from my father had a significant effect on me, but what about looking for approval in the wrong place? Since I did not receive it from the correct person, how did getting it from my mother affect me? Why did it affect me that way?
A common topic on the Game blogs and forums is the concept of the shit-test. A woman challenges a man, often in a manipulative way, to determine if he is capable of standing up to her. Passing it then increases her attraction. This is behavior that skilled men recognize and understand. While we know that it effects the woman by increasing her attraction, what is not often talked about is the efforts a man has to go through to be able to pass those tests. He must have an ego, bolstered by success, strong enough to not be shaken by her efforts to topple him. It takes a lot of effort to get to that point. Becoming a man is difficult work and being able to pass those tests is testament to that work. Even if the only work he has done is to learn to recognize and respond to shit-tests, it still takes effort and practice. The challenge of becoming a man is as important as succeeding at the challenge. If it is not hard it does not provide a chance for growth. Men know this and do not give approval unless it is earned, which makes earning it a real accomplishment. Unfortunately, I received approval from my mother, who gave it regardless of whether I had earned it.
Because I received unconditional approval from my mother, I rarely felt the need to do anything challenging. When I did feel the need to prove myself I would go talk to my her about it and she would praise me for even having the idea. She was proud of me no matter what I did. It had more to do with the fact that I was her son than any real accomplishment. I would get approval from her without having to do anything except say that I wanted it.
This was my first shit-test. My mother gave approval even though I did not need it from her, and I did nothing to discourage her. What she did not know was that I had to earn approval to feel good about myself; in other words I do not need self-esteem, I need self-respect. I passed the test by ending the relationship. I stopped looking for approval from her. I began acting without concern for what she thought or felt. I took responsibility and stopped using her to feel better about myself. Every shit-test is to determine whether the man is willing to act without concern for what the woman thinks. With my mother, if I cared about what she thought, her every fear, worry, and insecurity became mine. This was paralyzing. It became absolutely necessary for me to stop seeking her approval. She may not have been shit-testing me to determine my fitness, but what she was doing was keeping me from ever being able to prove myself. So I broke up with my mother and pulled away from her influence. Now, I no longer talk to her unless I am visiting the family. I avoid prolonged contact so that I can break that habit of seeking for approval. I suspect that this attitude will be necessary to some degree for the rest of my life but I cannot do anything else. Becoming a man is simply too important to concern myself with the way my mother, or any woman, is feeling.
A few days later I found my mother going through my stuff. She was reading the few pages I had written and was full of praise for it. She loved it. I, on the other hand, became upset. I did not cry or throw a tantrum. Rather, I was at a complete loss for words. I tried to express that now that she knew about it, I could not finish the story. While she thought that it would help me to praise my work, what I just could not explain was that I was not trying to get any praise. I simply wanted to create something important. At some point my confused babbling got through to her and she realized that I was upset and she apologized. For what, I doubt she knew. What she never found out was that I never even tried to finish the story. I did not know it at the time but my need for privacy came from an instinctive need to become independent of my mother's influence.
This pattern occurred several times as I tried to become a man. I would become interested in doing something, frequently with a great deal of significance to me, and I would be determined to follow it through to the end. Then I would foolishly tell my mother and for some reason I would lose all desire to finish. After a while I noticed the pattern and tried not to tell her my goals but my need for approval was too strong and I would eventually tell her everything. As a result it became very difficult for me to commit and follow through on anything.
What I did not know was that I was looking for approval from the wrong place. At a certain age a boy be needs to be removed from his mother to begin learning from his father. This never happened for me. As far as I can tell I does not happen for many men. In Wild at Heart John Eldredge claims that every man has a 'wound' where he did not receive approval from his father. The statistics over at fatherhood.com tell a similar story. The need for approval from a father seems to be very important in a man's life.
I did not receive approval or guidance from my father. He was absent, not in body but in mind. He was never really aware of me. He was always lost in his own world. I waited for years for him to realize that I needed him to show me how to become a man, once going so far as to tell him that I needed him to show me. He never did. Eventually I stopped waiting. I simply decided that if he would not take responsibility for guiding me, then I would have to learn on my own. Because of this he has no say about my life and I refuse to ask for or take advice from him. Because that need can so easily sabotage my life I have closed that door to him. He cannot get that relationship back without asking for it.
I know that not getting approval from my father had a significant effect on me, but what about looking for approval in the wrong place? Since I did not receive it from the correct person, how did getting it from my mother affect me? Why did it affect me that way?
A common topic on the Game blogs and forums is the concept of the shit-test. A woman challenges a man, often in a manipulative way, to determine if he is capable of standing up to her. Passing it then increases her attraction. This is behavior that skilled men recognize and understand. While we know that it effects the woman by increasing her attraction, what is not often talked about is the efforts a man has to go through to be able to pass those tests. He must have an ego, bolstered by success, strong enough to not be shaken by her efforts to topple him. It takes a lot of effort to get to that point. Becoming a man is difficult work and being able to pass those tests is testament to that work. Even if the only work he has done is to learn to recognize and respond to shit-tests, it still takes effort and practice. The challenge of becoming a man is as important as succeeding at the challenge. If it is not hard it does not provide a chance for growth. Men know this and do not give approval unless it is earned, which makes earning it a real accomplishment. Unfortunately, I received approval from my mother, who gave it regardless of whether I had earned it.
Because I received unconditional approval from my mother, I rarely felt the need to do anything challenging. When I did feel the need to prove myself I would go talk to my her about it and she would praise me for even having the idea. She was proud of me no matter what I did. It had more to do with the fact that I was her son than any real accomplishment. I would get approval from her without having to do anything except say that I wanted it.
This was my first shit-test. My mother gave approval even though I did not need it from her, and I did nothing to discourage her. What she did not know was that I had to earn approval to feel good about myself; in other words I do not need self-esteem, I need self-respect. I passed the test by ending the relationship. I stopped looking for approval from her. I began acting without concern for what she thought or felt. I took responsibility and stopped using her to feel better about myself. Every shit-test is to determine whether the man is willing to act without concern for what the woman thinks. With my mother, if I cared about what she thought, her every fear, worry, and insecurity became mine. This was paralyzing. It became absolutely necessary for me to stop seeking her approval. She may not have been shit-testing me to determine my fitness, but what she was doing was keeping me from ever being able to prove myself. So I broke up with my mother and pulled away from her influence. Now, I no longer talk to her unless I am visiting the family. I avoid prolonged contact so that I can break that habit of seeking for approval. I suspect that this attitude will be necessary to some degree for the rest of my life but I cannot do anything else. Becoming a man is simply too important to concern myself with the way my mother, or any woman, is feeling.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Alpha Mail: to marry or not to marry
LS ponders the question:
This woman is already telling LS that she will not accept him as the head of the household, will not put the academic interests of her children ahead of herself, and will only have sex with him when she happens to feel like it. I would be astonished if LS managed to stay married to her for four years, if he is sufficiently unwise as to propose to her.
I have no doubt that she has many good qualities. She is to be admired for them. But admiration and a lifetime commitment are two completely different things. Furthermore, as a black man who is both willing and able to marry, LS should be aware that he is in very high demand, being in relatively short supply.
In summary, if you think she's shutting down conversation with you now, imagine how she's going to behave once she begins to believe she is bullet-proof, as all women are prone to do once they possess the security of a ring backed up with the full force of the American family court system.
I'm thinking about marrying a girl. She's open to being a housewife (kinda likes the idea), already wants to have lots of kids, and is intelligent. Agrees with me and my opposition to affirmative action and the like (hard enough to find another black person like that who won't fill my children's heads with black victimology nonsense). In short, she's about as close to perfect as I feel I could hope to get, except that she's not at all open to listening to any new ideas, such as homeschooling.This is not a hard question to answer, but it is perhaps a hard answer to hear. Never marry a woman who does not see sex as part of her marital duties, because she is a woman who does not believe a woman has any marital duties. Sex is the single most important aspect of a marriage, indeed, it can even be theologically argued that sex is marriage.
I have tried logical debate (yeah I know, but what else can I do), but she makes it personal. She says she will outright refuse to do it, even if she's a housewife. Also, she wants to get married soon and doesn't get why guys are so slow to want the same. I tried to explain to her my fears and where they came from: the fact that there essentially are no fathers now, just men who women allow these men to parent their children until they watch the wrong episode of Desparate Housewives or something.
I didn't put it like that, but I said that I am taking a massive risk by marrying and having children with her. And that I was afraid of having a sexless marriage. She doesn't see sex as a wifely duty. She didn't wanna hear it and simply shut down conversation. I tried to suggest getting a covenant marriage or just getting married in a church without a legal marriage, but I don't know if she'll go for it. What do you think I should do? Is there a better way I could've gone about things? I'd rather try to persuade her. It's so hard to find someone who has all those good qualities.
This woman is already telling LS that she will not accept him as the head of the household, will not put the academic interests of her children ahead of herself, and will only have sex with him when she happens to feel like it. I would be astonished if LS managed to stay married to her for four years, if he is sufficiently unwise as to propose to her.
I have no doubt that she has many good qualities. She is to be admired for them. But admiration and a lifetime commitment are two completely different things. Furthermore, as a black man who is both willing and able to marry, LS should be aware that he is in very high demand, being in relatively short supply.
In summary, if you think she's shutting down conversation with you now, imagine how she's going to behave once she begins to believe she is bullet-proof, as all women are prone to do once they possess the security of a ring backed up with the full force of the American family court system.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Acting boldly
I have found that acting boldly has an interesting effect. Being bold requires that I not be afraid; that I have to act without second guessing myself. As a result I find myself acting in ways and doing things that I did not plan or expect. Sometimes the effect is so drastic as to leave me wondering: "Did I just do that"?
A few weeks ago I was with a group of people who I had just met. I knew very little about them, yet they were friendly enough to put me completely at ease. I lost all anxiety. They were members of a small congregation that I was visiting with a friend. After the service was over I stayed and visited with some of them. While visiting some of us began fooling around with the instruments used for worship. Not feeling any fear, I joined them and began playing one of the African drums at the front. I should mention at this point that I have never played drums before in my life. Also, I suffer from stage-fright. I do play piano, so I have a decent sense of rhythm, but this was a new experience. I ended up playing in an impromptu band for about an hour with a group of people I had never met. All because at that time I was willing to act boldly, without fear.
Last week while doing cold-approaches I found that boldness allows me to act with very little inhibition. It freed up my mind to find new things to say and do that would help move the interaction along. My favorite discovery was a neg that I started doing without thinking. I have done it few times and reaction so far has been good. If the girl is short, I kneel so that I am at eye-level with her and say with a slight smile: "I believe in equality." When I did it the other day her response was: "That's a jerky thing to say!". But her grin and barely suppressed laughter indicated otherwise. The guys in the group I was with thought it was hilarious.
None of this would have happened if I had been afraid to be bold. Fear restricts your thoughts and responses and keeps you away from what you want. Boldness frees you up to act on your instincts and improves your responses. So act boldly, you may be surprised at what you can do.
A few weeks ago I was with a group of people who I had just met. I knew very little about them, yet they were friendly enough to put me completely at ease. I lost all anxiety. They were members of a small congregation that I was visiting with a friend. After the service was over I stayed and visited with some of them. While visiting some of us began fooling around with the instruments used for worship. Not feeling any fear, I joined them and began playing one of the African drums at the front. I should mention at this point that I have never played drums before in my life. Also, I suffer from stage-fright. I do play piano, so I have a decent sense of rhythm, but this was a new experience. I ended up playing in an impromptu band for about an hour with a group of people I had never met. All because at that time I was willing to act boldly, without fear.
Last week while doing cold-approaches I found that boldness allows me to act with very little inhibition. It freed up my mind to find new things to say and do that would help move the interaction along. My favorite discovery was a neg that I started doing without thinking. I have done it few times and reaction so far has been good. If the girl is short, I kneel so that I am at eye-level with her and say with a slight smile: "I believe in equality." When I did it the other day her response was: "That's a jerky thing to say!". But her grin and barely suppressed laughter indicated otherwise. The guys in the group I was with thought it was hilarious.
None of this would have happened if I had been afraid to be bold. Fear restricts your thoughts and responses and keeps you away from what you want. Boldness frees you up to act on your instincts and improves your responses. So act boldly, you may be surprised at what you can do.
Building status with time
What is your time worth to you? What is your time worth to others?
Last week I was in an hour long management meeting and was paged seven times. The pages I returned were... useless. I thought about it in this way: how often does the owner or the vice presidents get paged? Three to four times a week combined. Contrast that against my paging history and even a new hire can tell where I am on the social hierarchy at work. Somehow I have encouraged this behavior, and now am enjoying my just deserts.
One of the techniques used by PUA's to display higher social value is to appear to have limited available time. The BETA has plenty of time available because he isn't juggling 3+ different girls or a demanding job that requires late nights or odd hours, and so makes himself too available and less attractive in the hamster's view. The PUA is creating the appearance of a shortage of available time to approximate the demanding schedule of an alpha. If you are seen to be in demand, a woman automatically respects and values the crumbs of time you bestow upon her.
My life experiences have demonstrated to me that people don't waste the time of alphas or business owners. Picture in your mind the most alpha person you personally know, and then picture you interrupting their lunch with a stupid question. What was their response? Assuming they allowed the interruption, they managed to convey the importance of their time to themselves, and also the importance of their time to you.
Here is the hard part, I have always prided myself on being someone who takes initiative and gets things done. When people interact with me they get answers and results. Sounds kinda ALPHA, but when handled wrong becomes BETA. I have allowed people to invade my time with trivial matters. Lets snap back to the meeting. Management meetings are great opportunities to review to do lists, plan expatriation strategies, and remember that you are paid to sit still and look attentive while you watch the souls get sucked out of your coworkers one at a time. Two of the pages were for things that I could fix over the phone, two more where things that were not urgent and so I proceed to tell them to email me the details and I would review it. The other three pages I did not hear an extension so I didn't call them back. All in all, I was glad that the pages happened during the meeting but more importantly realized that something needed to change.
I decided during that meeting that I needed to reclaim my time at work and here is the process I have implemented, with some moderate success. When paged, I respond. “Hello, you paged?, I'm in the middle of ______ (something urgent, or meeting or etc.), how can I help?” They state something. If I deem urgent and my responsibility, I address, if not one of two options; Send them to review situation with one of my lieutenants, or ask them to type up an email and I will review when I return to my desk. For email scenarios, I have implemented a 4 hour delay. I also add the following to the email response: “this was not an urgent matter thank you for refraining from paging me for non-urgent matters in the future” One such email gained me the response of one of my BETA friends. “Watch the Tude.” In typical delta fashion I responded by explaining that his employee has a history of paging... and not distinguishing... (read diarrhea mouth), whereas the alpha response would have been no response or “What Tude?”
Here is another great example of teaching my coworkers the value of my time, this one I have been practicing with great results for the last 3 weeks. I refuse to look things up in the computer for coworkers any more. I offer to show them how to find the information or I offer to set them up a shortcut on their computer desktop so they can look up the information. One such coworker declined my offer to set up a shortcut on his computer. So when he predictably called up for a piece of information, I spent an extraordinarily long time on the phone with him discussing how if I look up the piece of information that he was requesting it would involve using the same shortcut that I had offered to provide him, and how it would have saved him so much time that he could go home early. Around the 5 minute mark, he finally felt the necessary pain and hung up. I think I found a good use for diarrhea mouth. Pain.
As you train your inner alpha you must begin to learn to value your time. Once you begin to value your own time it will be natural to impress upon others about how valuable your time is. By setting your time as inherently valuable you reorder the social hierarchy around you. As an additional bonus those that want to waste time or are lazy will begin to avoid you.
Most time management seminars and training gurus teach you to prioritize better, or multi-task better. My new preferred method of increasing personal productivity is to whack people over the head when they waste my time.
- DJ
Last week I was in an hour long management meeting and was paged seven times. The pages I returned were... useless. I thought about it in this way: how often does the owner or the vice presidents get paged? Three to four times a week combined. Contrast that against my paging history and even a new hire can tell where I am on the social hierarchy at work. Somehow I have encouraged this behavior, and now am enjoying my just deserts.
One of the techniques used by PUA's to display higher social value is to appear to have limited available time. The BETA has plenty of time available because he isn't juggling 3+ different girls or a demanding job that requires late nights or odd hours, and so makes himself too available and less attractive in the hamster's view. The PUA is creating the appearance of a shortage of available time to approximate the demanding schedule of an alpha. If you are seen to be in demand, a woman automatically respects and values the crumbs of time you bestow upon her.
My life experiences have demonstrated to me that people don't waste the time of alphas or business owners. Picture in your mind the most alpha person you personally know, and then picture you interrupting their lunch with a stupid question. What was their response? Assuming they allowed the interruption, they managed to convey the importance of their time to themselves, and also the importance of their time to you.
Here is the hard part, I have always prided myself on being someone who takes initiative and gets things done. When people interact with me they get answers and results. Sounds kinda ALPHA, but when handled wrong becomes BETA. I have allowed people to invade my time with trivial matters. Lets snap back to the meeting. Management meetings are great opportunities to review to do lists, plan expatriation strategies, and remember that you are paid to sit still and look attentive while you watch the souls get sucked out of your coworkers one at a time. Two of the pages were for things that I could fix over the phone, two more where things that were not urgent and so I proceed to tell them to email me the details and I would review it. The other three pages I did not hear an extension so I didn't call them back. All in all, I was glad that the pages happened during the meeting but more importantly realized that something needed to change.
I decided during that meeting that I needed to reclaim my time at work and here is the process I have implemented, with some moderate success. When paged, I respond. “Hello, you paged?, I'm in the middle of ______ (something urgent, or meeting or etc.), how can I help?” They state something. If I deem urgent and my responsibility, I address, if not one of two options; Send them to review situation with one of my lieutenants, or ask them to type up an email and I will review when I return to my desk. For email scenarios, I have implemented a 4 hour delay. I also add the following to the email response: “this was not an urgent matter thank you for refraining from paging me for non-urgent matters in the future” One such email gained me the response of one of my BETA friends. “Watch the Tude.” In typical delta fashion I responded by explaining that his employee has a history of paging... and not distinguishing... (read diarrhea mouth), whereas the alpha response would have been no response or “What Tude?”
Here is another great example of teaching my coworkers the value of my time, this one I have been practicing with great results for the last 3 weeks. I refuse to look things up in the computer for coworkers any more. I offer to show them how to find the information or I offer to set them up a shortcut on their computer desktop so they can look up the information. One such coworker declined my offer to set up a shortcut on his computer. So when he predictably called up for a piece of information, I spent an extraordinarily long time on the phone with him discussing how if I look up the piece of information that he was requesting it would involve using the same shortcut that I had offered to provide him, and how it would have saved him so much time that he could go home early. Around the 5 minute mark, he finally felt the necessary pain and hung up. I think I found a good use for diarrhea mouth. Pain.
As you train your inner alpha you must begin to learn to value your time. Once you begin to value your own time it will be natural to impress upon others about how valuable your time is. By setting your time as inherently valuable you reorder the social hierarchy around you. As an additional bonus those that want to waste time or are lazy will begin to avoid you.
Most time management seminars and training gurus teach you to prioritize better, or multi-task better. My new preferred method of increasing personal productivity is to whack people over the head when they waste my time.
- DJ
Monday, March 21, 2011
Why We Shit Test
In my recent post NAWALT and You, one of the things I advised men to do in filtering out unworthy women was:
"Display a low tolerance for unattractive behaviors. Reward only desirable behaviors.”
This led Hooking Up Smart commenter Dream Puppy to share an example from her own married life, one where she lobbed a massive shit test at her husband:
I’ll give an embarrassing anecdote from my stupid youth. When my husband and I were around the one month mark, we got in a stupid fight in our apartment. I cried, yelled, stormed out, and slammed the door. Hard.
And I waited for him to do what every single other person had ever done when I threw a fit like that. Come running after me- look for me- call me to see if I was all right…
so I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Finally after two hours. i got tired of walking around the park in a huff and went back home. He was on the computer.
I told him, “Um, didn’t you see me crying! You’re supposed to run after me! The guy is supposed to do that!!”
He said, “That is stupid. I am not running after you. Look what you did to the door. If the landlord notices, you are paying for it. Don’t be reckless again.”
“Um. Ok.”
Dream Puppy got exactly what she wanted in that exchange, which was to know that her husband could stand up to her emotions. She felt comforted, even relieved when he thwarted her attempt at control. She went on to say this about shit tests:
I have a little theory on shit tests. Women want power, as that is access to resources, but women also need protection. Protection from other men, predators, etc.
The shit test basically asks. Can you stand up to me? If the man fails, he is communicating to the woman that since he cannot even stand up to her, it is probably the case he will not be up to the task of protecting her and her children. This is probably why some women have such a visceral reaction to very beta men. They are communicating- “Sorry, cannot protect you or your children. I am WEAK.”
Our instincts would be to not mate with those men and avoid them at all costs.
I agree that shit tests are essentially a form of testing for fitness, or strength. Roissy describes shit tests as a woman's means of "weighing your stones." Shit tests come in many variations, from a woman's asking you to hold her purse at the mall, to storming out during a fight, or even an ultimatum about the relationship.
I distinctly remember the first time I ever shit-tested a guy. I was in the eighth grade and he was a freshman at the high school. I had just moved into his neighborhood. He was a big guy, a very promising football player, and cute. He liked me, and was extremely attentive and sweet.
One day he talked about his father's funeral the year before. As he described the feelings that had come over him as he approached the open casket, he broke down and began to sob. His huge, masculine body shuddered as he poured out his heart and his grief. I felt a surge of empathy, but also alarmed. I had never been in this role, and felt unprepared to cope. I also felt repelled as the tears streamed down his cheeks and fell from his cleft chin.
What I did next will undoubtedly strike you as heartless and indicative of the true nature of women, which of course it is. I share this admission because of its potential to reveal a glimpse of the female psyche, and because I do not believe that my response was in any way unusual or unpredictable.
A couple of days later, we hung out and he was back to his cheerful self, but now truly emotionally tethered to me. He gazed at me adoringly and told me how lucky he was to have found such a nice girl. He asked me for my photo, so that my face could be the last thing he saw before he went to sleep each night.
Here is what I said.
"I'll give you a photo, but only if you do something first. You have to earn it. My favorite song is Band of Gold by Freda Payne. Tonight when you get into bed, turn on your radio. Promise me you won't go to sleep until you've heard it."
He promised.
The next day after school he came over and excitedly reported that he had stayed awake until 3 a.m., but that they had finally played the song. He'd been exhausted all day, but had done exactly as I asked.
I gave him the photo, and dumped him three days later.
At 14, I didn't know enough to recognize and understand what I was feeling, other than the fact that I had completely lost attraction for him. He had leaned on me, hard, long before our relationship could sustain emotional intimacy of that kind, and he had signaled weakness. In my own mind, the cruel test I set up was really about giving him another chance. The only way he could have held onto me at that point was to call me out for being a manipulative bitch.
I'm not proud of this story. It's a story I've shared with my kids as an example of shameful behavior from my own childhood. But it demonstrates in very stark terms what a shit test is, and how important it is for men to refuse to play.
We're wired that way. If you fail a crucial shit test, you won't get a second chance. If a demand strikes you as unreasonable or gratuitous, trust your instincts. We'll like you better for it.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Seeking the mission
One of the contributing factors of me not being an alpha or sigma is my failure to understand, or even attempt to do, Maxim III: You shall make your mission, not your woman, your priority. Sure, there were things in my life that I wanted, and when I wanted them, I went after them. In looking back those times are the rare fifteen minute intermissions in my 30+ years of living.
Over the last few months I have been thinking more and more about the necessity of this subject. I have considered goals that I have, goals that I think I have, and the goals that I should have. This is a result of me reading countless blog entries on game and the following two books:
Four Hour Workweek by Timothy Ferris
The Law of Success (first 5 lessons) by Napoleon Hill
Napoleon Hill described my situation best:
“It is most appalling to know that ninety-five percent of the people of the world are drifting aimlessly through life, without the slightest conception of the work for which they are best fitted, and with no conception whatsoever of even the need of such a thing as a definite objective toward which to strive.”
- 1928 The Law of Success Lesson Two A DEFINITE CHIEF AIM
I was one of those 95 percent that Napoleon Hill discussed. I spent over a decade of my life as a sales weasel and as a result I have read many books, attended seminars, heard many a great speaker about creating goals, and pursuing them. I have always known what I do well or what I would kind of like to do, but never set a chief nor a definite aim. Many of the sales training seminars focused on setting goals in terms of monetary achievement, a new sailboat, fancy house, or a car that sparkles. None of those things turned my crank. I would put the dream boat picture on the fridge and then a few months later I would take it down because it was not driving me. In the same way, the PUA goal of bedding 10 women, then lather rinse repeat rings hollow to me, largely in part because of my “tent theory” of marriage.
If you are among the fortunate that you do have goals or aims, and even more fortunate that you have taken the time to write them down and review them on a daily basis, or if you are a natural at setting and chasing goals and have no need to write them down, good. If, however, you are part of the 95 percent who have no chief aim, then according to Roissy's Maxim III, it is no surprise that you do not do well with the ladies. The following equation explains it all:
(Man without Mission) + (Hot Chick with Hamster) = (Splitsville)
Because I am a typical hardworking delta, I have plenty of sick time available, so yesterday I called in sick to do nothing but develop a chief main aim. The phone call went something like this: “I am calling in because I am sick (mute button) of expending my energies pursuing someone else's goals.”
I have now typed up my Definite Chief Aim, signed it, dated it and posted it where I brush my teeth morning and night. It is posted where I will read it aloud to activate the self auto-suggestion mechanisms that work so well at training the human mind. I will share with you the last two sentences before my signature as they are significantly different than any goal setting exercise I have ever seen.
“Any woman who is fortunate enough to come into my life will be second to and cheerfully support these aims. I am free to change, modify, add to this goal as time goes on.”
So my question to you the reader is this; Do you have a Mission? Do you have a Chief Definite Aim? If not make time to develop one. Once you have a Mission consider the following equation:
If (Size of Womans Hamster) > (Strength of Man's Mission) Than (Man) + (Woman) = (Splitsville)
Women are wired to have the man lead, but Westernized women have been schooled to chase hamster dreams, therefore if the man is not leading then the relationship is doomed. I can point to three different and specific examples in my own failed marriage where I supported and encouraged my wife's dreams which were not pro-family. This is the opposite of what Vox discussed in his post on how to crush a woman's dreams and it bore the exact fruit that the theory of Game predicts.
Part of being an alpha male is having a driving goal or driving force in your life. That is the only way you will be able to lead your lady or have the back bone to overwhelmingly succeed her s-tests. Sure, you can synthesize the traits of an alpha for a while, (fake it till you make it), but ultimately you want to become a natural in leading your household. Develop and strengthen your mission or forever be a BETA.
- DJ
Over the last few months I have been thinking more and more about the necessity of this subject. I have considered goals that I have, goals that I think I have, and the goals that I should have. This is a result of me reading countless blog entries on game and the following two books:
Four Hour Workweek by Timothy Ferris
The Law of Success (first 5 lessons) by Napoleon Hill
Napoleon Hill described my situation best:
“It is most appalling to know that ninety-five percent of the people of the world are drifting aimlessly through life, without the slightest conception of the work for which they are best fitted, and with no conception whatsoever of even the need of such a thing as a definite objective toward which to strive.”
- 1928 The Law of Success Lesson Two A DEFINITE CHIEF AIM
I was one of those 95 percent that Napoleon Hill discussed. I spent over a decade of my life as a sales weasel and as a result I have read many books, attended seminars, heard many a great speaker about creating goals, and pursuing them. I have always known what I do well or what I would kind of like to do, but never set a chief nor a definite aim. Many of the sales training seminars focused on setting goals in terms of monetary achievement, a new sailboat, fancy house, or a car that sparkles. None of those things turned my crank. I would put the dream boat picture on the fridge and then a few months later I would take it down because it was not driving me. In the same way, the PUA goal of bedding 10 women, then lather rinse repeat rings hollow to me, largely in part because of my “tent theory” of marriage.
If you are among the fortunate that you do have goals or aims, and even more fortunate that you have taken the time to write them down and review them on a daily basis, or if you are a natural at setting and chasing goals and have no need to write them down, good. If, however, you are part of the 95 percent who have no chief aim, then according to Roissy's Maxim III, it is no surprise that you do not do well with the ladies. The following equation explains it all:
(Man without Mission) + (Hot Chick with Hamster) = (Splitsville)
Because I am a typical hardworking delta, I have plenty of sick time available, so yesterday I called in sick to do nothing but develop a chief main aim. The phone call went something like this: “I am calling in because I am sick (mute button) of expending my energies pursuing someone else's goals.”
I have now typed up my Definite Chief Aim, signed it, dated it and posted it where I brush my teeth morning and night. It is posted where I will read it aloud to activate the self auto-suggestion mechanisms that work so well at training the human mind. I will share with you the last two sentences before my signature as they are significantly different than any goal setting exercise I have ever seen.
“Any woman who is fortunate enough to come into my life will be second to and cheerfully support these aims. I am free to change, modify, add to this goal as time goes on.”
So my question to you the reader is this; Do you have a Mission? Do you have a Chief Definite Aim? If not make time to develop one. Once you have a Mission consider the following equation:
If (Size of Womans Hamster) > (Strength of Man's Mission) Than (Man) + (Woman) = (Splitsville)
Women are wired to have the man lead, but Westernized women have been schooled to chase hamster dreams, therefore if the man is not leading then the relationship is doomed. I can point to three different and specific examples in my own failed marriage where I supported and encouraged my wife's dreams which were not pro-family. This is the opposite of what Vox discussed in his post on how to crush a woman's dreams and it bore the exact fruit that the theory of Game predicts.
Part of being an alpha male is having a driving goal or driving force in your life. That is the only way you will be able to lead your lady or have the back bone to overwhelmingly succeed her s-tests. Sure, you can synthesize the traits of an alpha for a while, (fake it till you make it), but ultimately you want to become a natural in leading your household. Develop and strengthen your mission or forever be a BETA.
- DJ
Saturday, March 19, 2011
The usefulness of a new attitude
When I expressed a need for a change in my attitude toward approaching in my last post I was very eager to go out and see what effects it would have on my game. I wanted to know if approaching a girl with boldness and not being afraid of what I wanted would have any significant effect. After finishing the post I immediately went to a local mall and began approaching.
Usually if I go out to meet girls I find it very hard to get past the initial nervousness. As I have mentioned in previous posts it usually takes me some time to push past the fear. This time was different. While it took a minute to find a target, as soon as I had one I made my move. The interaction was very brief because while I did my best to be charming my goal was to get used to the idea that I was pursuing what I wanted. So I asked for her number after about five minutes of interaction. She was married.
I quickly moved on and approached a girl I had wanted to talk to for a few weeks but had not had the courage. She was tending a sunglasses kiosk. She was also married.
I approached another and simply focused on flirting because she looked kind of young. She was responding very positively. At an appropriate time I asked her if she was going to school. Yes she was, to high school.
The next girl had a boyfriend. But she seemed impressed about my boldness.
The final approach was the worst. I was very encouraged about the fact that I had talked to four girls all within the space of an hour. I was so confident I simply said: "I am looking for a girlfriend." Not surprisingly she indicated she was not interested and neither was her friend. This brought me down to earth quite fast and I made a hasty retreat.
I did talk to a few other girls that night, just to strike up a conversation. In the end I learned some important things from these attempts and subsequent interactions.
-Being bold and honest about what I want, and pursuing it without apology is an effective antidote to fear. Especially if I was primarily afraid of my own desires.
-Rejection sucks. Big time. I am still kicking myself over the "I am looking for a girlfriend" line {Cringe}.
-Rejection is bearable and it is necessary for refining your approach.
-Malls may not be the best place for approaching. There are too many high-schoolers. I am thinking that going to a college may be a better place to approach.
-Boldness has a great deal of momentum. It gave me confidence to move from one approach to another without hesitation.
Since then I have done a number of approaches. Some with the intent of getting a number others just to strike up a conversation. This has taught me that doing several approaches with the intent of attracting a girl has its merits, but it is not necessary to separate your interactions into game and non-game categories. Every interaction is an opportunity to practice your skills whether projecting a bold attitude or simply practicing your people skills. Remember that game is a life skill and it is important to recognize that it can improve all areas of your life, not just your interactions with women.
After all an alpha is an alpha all the time, and if you have the attitude that game is something you are practicing all the time you will get better that much faster.
Usually if I go out to meet girls I find it very hard to get past the initial nervousness. As I have mentioned in previous posts it usually takes me some time to push past the fear. This time was different. While it took a minute to find a target, as soon as I had one I made my move. The interaction was very brief because while I did my best to be charming my goal was to get used to the idea that I was pursuing what I wanted. So I asked for her number after about five minutes of interaction. She was married.
I quickly moved on and approached a girl I had wanted to talk to for a few weeks but had not had the courage. She was tending a sunglasses kiosk. She was also married.
I approached another and simply focused on flirting because she looked kind of young. She was responding very positively. At an appropriate time I asked her if she was going to school. Yes she was, to high school.
The next girl had a boyfriend. But she seemed impressed about my boldness.
The final approach was the worst. I was very encouraged about the fact that I had talked to four girls all within the space of an hour. I was so confident I simply said: "I am looking for a girlfriend." Not surprisingly she indicated she was not interested and neither was her friend. This brought me down to earth quite fast and I made a hasty retreat.
I did talk to a few other girls that night, just to strike up a conversation. In the end I learned some important things from these attempts and subsequent interactions.
-Being bold and honest about what I want, and pursuing it without apology is an effective antidote to fear. Especially if I was primarily afraid of my own desires.
-Rejection sucks. Big time. I am still kicking myself over the "I am looking for a girlfriend" line {Cringe}.
-Rejection is bearable and it is necessary for refining your approach.
-Malls may not be the best place for approaching. There are too many high-schoolers. I am thinking that going to a college may be a better place to approach.
-Boldness has a great deal of momentum. It gave me confidence to move from one approach to another without hesitation.
Since then I have done a number of approaches. Some with the intent of getting a number others just to strike up a conversation. This has taught me that doing several approaches with the intent of attracting a girl has its merits, but it is not necessary to separate your interactions into game and non-game categories. Every interaction is an opportunity to practice your skills whether projecting a bold attitude or simply practicing your people skills. Remember that game is a life skill and it is important to recognize that it can improve all areas of your life, not just your interactions with women.
After all an alpha is an alpha all the time, and if you have the attitude that game is something you are practicing all the time you will get better that much faster.
Alpha Mail: be careful what you wish
HM5 engages in some enlightened snowflaking:
So, why would one reach conclusions that are any different when one hears women express dreams that are either a) impossible, b) mutually exclusive, or c) totally at variance with their present course of action? HM5 says that the female need to be a mother is in every woman's DNA. I think she is correct, so what is a man to conclude when literally every woman his age tells him that she does not want to have children? He can either take them all at their word, which is what HM5 is implying, or he can do as I advise and ignore what they say they want.
And in retrospect, considering that every single one of those women eventually changed their minds, it is readily apparent that the latter choice is the correct one.
To illustrate the nature of the problem, we need look no further than HM5's mutually exclusive assertions that 1) her dreams are no less valid or important than her children and husband vs 2) her children and husband are more important than her dreams. (NB: note the tell-tale order there). While we can, and should, laud her for putting her family first, there is no way for us to take her at her word because she contradicts herself.
Most men understand on some level that they cannot hold a woman accountable to her words in the same manner they do men, even if they are reluctant to articulate this or admit it to themselves. Women habitually say no when they mean yes, pretend they don't want what they desperately desire, and tell people things they don't actually mean. And women can't afford to have men take their words seriously, for if they did, only gammas and low deltas would ever stay with any woman more than a few hormonal cycles. In fact, one of the coldest things any man can do is take a woman literally at her word and quote her words back at her when she reverses course, as she will inevitably do over time.
"Oh, so now you want children? Well, that's just too bad. I respect you far too much to not take your past declarations on the subject as final." "What's that, you want to stop working and stay home with the kids now? Oh no, you said you wanted to continue with your career, and I absolutely respect that decision." "You hate me? Very well, I'm out of here... after all, you wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it and I respect what you're telling me now."
It is said that one should be careful what one wishes for. There is a price to having one's words taken seriously, and I very much doubt it is a price that most women would be wise to pay. They do better to prefer the luxury of being able to change their mind. This isn't to say that one can never change one's mind, after all, situations change. But one cannot simultaneously expect to enjoy the flexibility of changing one's mind at any moment as well as respect for one's consistency.
The observable fact is that women are intrinsically more dynamic than men. We see this from a very young age, when "yes... no" and "no... yes" becomes such an important part of every young girl's vocabulary. This dynamism is one of the things that makes women such fascinating creatures to study, but it also renders it impossible for the sufficiently experienced man to put too much credence in anything a woman says at any one time. A woman may know what she wants today, but experience informs us that we can be fairly confident that whatever it may be she wants tomorrow, it will not be that.
As a woman, I find this discussion very enlightening. I don't know what sort of women you know, but you don't appear to respect them very much. Women do, as a whole, have a deep need to be mothers; its in our dna. However, the fact that you discuss treating women like they have no clue what they want is really astonishing. Perhaps it is what most men are truly thinking. Perhaps your women respect you too much to believe that this is really the way you feel. Perhaps if they read your comments they would see some part truth and some complete misunderstandings that are so far off base as to be funny. And by the way, I am a conservative, stay at home, homeschooling mother of five. And although I know what I want, I also know that I can't usually have it because my children and husband are more important than my dreams. That doesn't mean that my dreams are less valid ore important, it just means that I am willing to give them up for the good of my family.What could possibly be astonishing about treating women as if they have no clue what they want when they observably do not? Remember, we're not talking about momentary desires here, but rather dreams, those life objectives that fundamentally reflect the deepest and most sincere aspects of the individual's personality. If a grown man tells me that his dream is to be a NFL quarterback, I correctly conclude that he is deluded because it's not possible for someone to start playing football post-college at such a high level. If a young man tells me that his dream is to be a nuclear physicist and a marine biologist, I correctly conclude that he doesn't know what he wants because the two objectives are mutually exclusive. And if a man says he dreams of becoming a rock star but can't sing and doesn't bother learning to play an instrument, I correctly conclude he is not serious about it.
So, why would one reach conclusions that are any different when one hears women express dreams that are either a) impossible, b) mutually exclusive, or c) totally at variance with their present course of action? HM5 says that the female need to be a mother is in every woman's DNA. I think she is correct, so what is a man to conclude when literally every woman his age tells him that she does not want to have children? He can either take them all at their word, which is what HM5 is implying, or he can do as I advise and ignore what they say they want.
And in retrospect, considering that every single one of those women eventually changed their minds, it is readily apparent that the latter choice is the correct one.
To illustrate the nature of the problem, we need look no further than HM5's mutually exclusive assertions that 1) her dreams are no less valid or important than her children and husband vs 2) her children and husband are more important than her dreams. (NB: note the tell-tale order there). While we can, and should, laud her for putting her family first, there is no way for us to take her at her word because she contradicts herself.
Most men understand on some level that they cannot hold a woman accountable to her words in the same manner they do men, even if they are reluctant to articulate this or admit it to themselves. Women habitually say no when they mean yes, pretend they don't want what they desperately desire, and tell people things they don't actually mean. And women can't afford to have men take their words seriously, for if they did, only gammas and low deltas would ever stay with any woman more than a few hormonal cycles. In fact, one of the coldest things any man can do is take a woman literally at her word and quote her words back at her when she reverses course, as she will inevitably do over time.
"Oh, so now you want children? Well, that's just too bad. I respect you far too much to not take your past declarations on the subject as final." "What's that, you want to stop working and stay home with the kids now? Oh no, you said you wanted to continue with your career, and I absolutely respect that decision." "You hate me? Very well, I'm out of here... after all, you wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it and I respect what you're telling me now."
It is said that one should be careful what one wishes for. There is a price to having one's words taken seriously, and I very much doubt it is a price that most women would be wise to pay. They do better to prefer the luxury of being able to change their mind. This isn't to say that one can never change one's mind, after all, situations change. But one cannot simultaneously expect to enjoy the flexibility of changing one's mind at any moment as well as respect for one's consistency.
The observable fact is that women are intrinsically more dynamic than men. We see this from a very young age, when "yes... no" and "no... yes" becomes such an important part of every young girl's vocabulary. This dynamism is one of the things that makes women such fascinating creatures to study, but it also renders it impossible for the sufficiently experienced man to put too much credence in anything a woman says at any one time. A woman may know what she wants today, but experience informs us that we can be fairly confident that whatever it may be she wants tomorrow, it will not be that.
Friday, March 18, 2011
The why vs the what
I don't subscribe to the biological determinism of many theorists of Game, but it would be hard to deny the logic of the connection that Delusion Damage draws between the herd imperative of historical women and the behavior of modern women today:
In the end, it's not the historical explanations that matter, but the reliability of the Game models. The Why may be an interesting question to ponder, but it is much less important than the What or the How. Still, it is useful to have a conceptual understanding underlying the observation of the female craving for security and social acceptance, so that we do not delude ourselves into thinking that convincing women such priorities are not in their long-term benefit is a simple matter of presenting them with a logical case.
It may not, in fact, even be possible, in which case there is no solution for a society once it reaches the equalitarian stage beyond a) violence and tyranny, or b) waiting for its inevitable collapse. I do not accept the idea that equalitarianism is an intractable problem any more than I believe that men and women are nothing more than meat puppets subject entirely to their biomechanical imperatives. Man is more than the physical sum of his parts as both the intellect and the spirit are capable of surmounting the body. But I am certainly open to the possibility that the situation may be intractable, and indeed, there is an increasing amount of evidence that the quasi-democratic societies of the West do not have the structural ability to address the economic and demographic problems that they are presently facing.
Nothing was as important for a woman’s survival and that of her children as being socially accepted. That imperative to survive, imprinted deep into the female brain by countless years of natural selection, is still there. Even today, nothing is as important to a woman as being in good favor with the herd. There is only one general case in which women can, with any reliable frequency, be seen going against the wishes of the herd – when they’re catching a man. The scientific explanation is simple – the entire surplus labor supply of a privately owned man, caught in the net of a sexual pair bond and never set free again, can do even more for her than a share of the collective plate.While there is no need to cite evolutionary fairy tales or logical explanations in order to construct a reliable model of predicting female behavior, they serve a useful purpose whether they are eventually shown to be true by the historical and scientific evidence or not. Even if they are absolutely fictional, such devices still serve to put us in a state of mind allowing us to clear the cobwebs of the literal decades of propaganda to which every man and boy under the age of 45 has been subjected since kindergarten.
It is in this special case when the seeming contradiction in female behavior appears – where normally she’d do everything she can to be just like all the other girls, not to single herself out in any way for instinctive fear of being kicked from the herd, she must now do the opposite. In order to ensnare a man so completely that he can be relied on not to break free from her spell until he’s fed and protected the children through their helpless growth phase, she must make herself seem so incredibly special that there’s simply no other woman he could even consider sharing some of his – now, her – surplus labor with. She must indeed make herself the only girl in the world for him.
The underlying mechanism is the same – the prime directive to make sure she’s always provided for by someone else – only its target changes from the collective to the individual, and the behavioral manifestation of the dependence instinct changes to what can on the surface seem like its opposite. It’s the same instinct of unfaltering attachment to a meal ticket, with a new coat of paint.
Due to the paramount importance of fitting in for survival, the idea that anything popular is good is irremediably built into the female brain. Human brains have not changed since tribal times. Today’s woman is still looking for the approval of the herd before anything – no matter how harmful, how illogical or how ridiculous a thing is, if it’s popular, she must have it, love it and defend it with all her power. It feels to her like a matter of life or death – because that’s exactly what it used to be.
Give women money, they’ll buy what they think others are buying. Let them vote, they’ll vote for what they think others are voting for.
Give them influence over every aspect of society, and every aspect of society will be permeated with the idea that everything popular is great and all other alternatives are death. Give them control over education, and they’ll discourage experimentation, achievement and discovery, extolling the virtues of conformity, conformity and conformity. Ordinary will become the new extraordinary.
Give them a majority share in the workforce and fill the rest with boys educated by the twelve-year feminine conformity program mandated by law, and you’ll get a workforce that’ll take anything lying down. Give them sole custody and put their fatherless male children in female-run conformity training for their first twenty years, and you get a population of men who won’t lead others or even stand up for themselves.
In the end, it's not the historical explanations that matter, but the reliability of the Game models. The Why may be an interesting question to ponder, but it is much less important than the What or the How. Still, it is useful to have a conceptual understanding underlying the observation of the female craving for security and social acceptance, so that we do not delude ourselves into thinking that convincing women such priorities are not in their long-term benefit is a simple matter of presenting them with a logical case.
It may not, in fact, even be possible, in which case there is no solution for a society once it reaches the equalitarian stage beyond a) violence and tyranny, or b) waiting for its inevitable collapse. I do not accept the idea that equalitarianism is an intractable problem any more than I believe that men and women are nothing more than meat puppets subject entirely to their biomechanical imperatives. Man is more than the physical sum of his parts as both the intellect and the spirit are capable of surmounting the body. But I am certainly open to the possibility that the situation may be intractable, and indeed, there is an increasing amount of evidence that the quasi-democratic societies of the West do not have the structural ability to address the economic and demographic problems that they are presently facing.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
How to crush a woman's dreams
Here is a maxim which some may regard as controversial, although it really isn't. Men who want a strong and lasting long-term relationship should crush a woman's dreams without hesitation, if those dreams are not entirely consistent with her primary role as a wife and mother.
There are four reasons for this. The first, and most important, is that in most cases, a woman's dreams are ephemeral and therefore irrelevant in the long term. They are seldom more serious than the child's dreams to become a wizard or a dinosaur. How can we know this is the case? Because what a woman wants - or rather, thinks she wants - changes on a regular basis. Never forget that women are extraordinarily dynamic beings. Every woman I knew in high school and college swore up and down that she didn't want to have children. Every single one. All of them that are married, as well as some who are not, have children now. The rest wish they did. Most of the married, but childless, working women I knew said that they wanted to continue working after they had children. Only about half of them returned to their jobs and most of those who still work wish they didn't need to do so. Women don't have dreams the way that men have goals and objectives, they tend to be more akin to daydreams or romantic fantasies.
Second, most women's dreams are entirely incompatible with what society actually needs them to do. The West will survive without more female scientists, engineers, social workers, and bureaucrats. It will not survive without more wives and mothers. There is literally nothing that a woman can do that is more important than having and raising children, since everything else men can do, and in most cases can do better.
Third, if one looks beneath the surface description of female dreams, ninety percent of what women say they dream about doing involves little more than putting them in a position where they can expect to have the opportunity of sex with a certain type of alpha. That's not to say they don't genuinely enjoy the comedy skits, the ear-tagging, or the big city life, but at the end of the day, it is sex with the dominant men in those environments that harbors the deeper appeal for them. The woman who dreams of being an archeologist probably has a genuine interest in archeology, but she is usually less interested in archeology qua digging up ancient artifacts than she is in the requisite affair with the handsome, world-famous archeologist in an exotic locale. We saw this in the martial arts all the time. Put a woman in a dojo and she'll be having sex with one of the black belts within weeks. The same thing holds true with tennis instructors, workout trainers, divemasters, golf instructors and so forth, which is why it's considered one of the important perks of the job in those otherwise poorly compensated professions.
Fourth, women tend to like the idea much better than the reality. Like the pretentious guys who hang out in coffee shops and put ten times the effort into telling you about the book they are writing than they do into actually writing anything, it is the feeling of the journey that is the point rather than the arrival at the destination. And this leads us to how a man can completely crush a woman's dreams while still managing to come off as the good guy.
I once read a book review of Hillary Clinton's book, Living History, in which the reviewer made use of what he admitted to be the sadistically cruel tactic of quoting the author literally and in full. I mention this because the best way to convince a woman to abandon her dream is not to argue with her, to attempt to reason her out of it, or even to oppose it in any way, but rather to back her dream to the hilt with manic enthusiasm. Think Janice helping Chandler go to Yemen on Friends. If a woman speaks yearningly of her desire to vaccinate poor children in Mozambique, contact an aid foundation, offer to help her fill out the application, make an appointment for all the vaccinations, and tell her it's a great idea for her to spend the entire summer in Africa since you're going to be watching the World Cup anyhow. If she talks about wanting to attend comedy school, sign her up for a local stand-up show and make handouts to give to all her friends and family. If she says she wants to be a writer, buy her a thesaurus and offer to hold her accountable to a daily word count.
In short, call her dream with cheerful and over-the-top abandon. In most cases, she'll begin to hate the idea within a few weeks, quietly drop it, and get angry with you if you so much as mention it to her again. Don't rub it in, just let her drop it and be careful not to get caught up in Male Objective Syndrome and actually put her on the plane to Yemen; remind yourself that she doesn't really want to go. And on the off-chance that she's serious about wanting to devote her fertile years to studying ear mites that are only found in a certain species of fruit bat in Madagascar, the sooner you find that out and move on to someone else who actually wants to spend her life with you and bear your children, the better.
There are four reasons for this. The first, and most important, is that in most cases, a woman's dreams are ephemeral and therefore irrelevant in the long term. They are seldom more serious than the child's dreams to become a wizard or a dinosaur. How can we know this is the case? Because what a woman wants - or rather, thinks she wants - changes on a regular basis. Never forget that women are extraordinarily dynamic beings. Every woman I knew in high school and college swore up and down that she didn't want to have children. Every single one. All of them that are married, as well as some who are not, have children now. The rest wish they did. Most of the married, but childless, working women I knew said that they wanted to continue working after they had children. Only about half of them returned to their jobs and most of those who still work wish they didn't need to do so. Women don't have dreams the way that men have goals and objectives, they tend to be more akin to daydreams or romantic fantasies.
Second, most women's dreams are entirely incompatible with what society actually needs them to do. The West will survive without more female scientists, engineers, social workers, and bureaucrats. It will not survive without more wives and mothers. There is literally nothing that a woman can do that is more important than having and raising children, since everything else men can do, and in most cases can do better.
Third, if one looks beneath the surface description of female dreams, ninety percent of what women say they dream about doing involves little more than putting them in a position where they can expect to have the opportunity of sex with a certain type of alpha. That's not to say they don't genuinely enjoy the comedy skits, the ear-tagging, or the big city life, but at the end of the day, it is sex with the dominant men in those environments that harbors the deeper appeal for them. The woman who dreams of being an archeologist probably has a genuine interest in archeology, but she is usually less interested in archeology qua digging up ancient artifacts than she is in the requisite affair with the handsome, world-famous archeologist in an exotic locale. We saw this in the martial arts all the time. Put a woman in a dojo and she'll be having sex with one of the black belts within weeks. The same thing holds true with tennis instructors, workout trainers, divemasters, golf instructors and so forth, which is why it's considered one of the important perks of the job in those otherwise poorly compensated professions.
Fourth, women tend to like the idea much better than the reality. Like the pretentious guys who hang out in coffee shops and put ten times the effort into telling you about the book they are writing than they do into actually writing anything, it is the feeling of the journey that is the point rather than the arrival at the destination. And this leads us to how a man can completely crush a woman's dreams while still managing to come off as the good guy.
I once read a book review of Hillary Clinton's book, Living History, in which the reviewer made use of what he admitted to be the sadistically cruel tactic of quoting the author literally and in full. I mention this because the best way to convince a woman to abandon her dream is not to argue with her, to attempt to reason her out of it, or even to oppose it in any way, but rather to back her dream to the hilt with manic enthusiasm. Think Janice helping Chandler go to Yemen on Friends. If a woman speaks yearningly of her desire to vaccinate poor children in Mozambique, contact an aid foundation, offer to help her fill out the application, make an appointment for all the vaccinations, and tell her it's a great idea for her to spend the entire summer in Africa since you're going to be watching the World Cup anyhow. If she talks about wanting to attend comedy school, sign her up for a local stand-up show and make handouts to give to all her friends and family. If she says she wants to be a writer, buy her a thesaurus and offer to hold her accountable to a daily word count.
In short, call her dream with cheerful and over-the-top abandon. In most cases, she'll begin to hate the idea within a few weeks, quietly drop it, and get angry with you if you so much as mention it to her again. Don't rub it in, just let her drop it and be careful not to get caught up in Male Objective Syndrome and actually put her on the plane to Yemen; remind yourself that she doesn't really want to go. And on the off-chance that she's serious about wanting to devote her fertile years to studying ear mites that are only found in a certain species of fruit bat in Madagascar, the sooner you find that out and move on to someone else who actually wants to spend her life with you and bear your children, the better.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
A lightbulb
Thinking further about the subject of fear I had an insight. I began to ask myself why I was afraid. I started looking for the source of the fear, going beyond facing it and rather trying to understand it. What I found was that I am not afraid of girls. If I was I would not be able to go out in public. Really, why would I, a 6'2" guy be afraid of a tiny 5' girl? Nor am I afraid of conversation with a stranger. While I prefer my own company, having a pleasant chat with someone is not that difficult. What, then, makes me nervous when I approach?
I began thinking about what I would do if I stopped trying to follow a script and just go with my gut. What would I say? How would I say it? Would I try to be the charming guy that I was trying to ape? Or would I go straight to the point? A great deal of game that I have read addresses indirect game; how to generate attraction to reduce a girl's resistance to your advances. But what if I was being too indirect? What if I was attracted to indirect game not because it fits me or because I have found great success with it, but because it was indirect? What if I was afraid, not of the girl or the approach, but of making my intentions known? What if I am afraid of my own desires? What if I have been trained to never care about what I want and always be concerned about what others want? In other words if I want a woman WHY THE HELL DO I NOT JUST SAY SO? I want to spend time with her and know her and enjoy her company but no one ever told me to view my wants as more important than hers. Since I cannot DO anything about her wants why should I care? If she does not want me then she is a waste of my time and the sooner I know that the better. If I want something why not just ask for it, and stop pretending that what I want is not important? As far as I know what I want is far more important than what other people want. I can only take care of my needs, and unless she becomes part of my life I cannot take care of her's so why should I try if she is not a part of my life? I cannot read minds so why should I assume that I know what she wants? If it is not me she wants, than it is time to move on to someone else. My stupidity amazes me sometimes. . .
In short, my game is going to become much more direct. I do not intend to give up on indirect game, just use it far less. I expect to crash and burn, but why not? If it is worth all this effort to become a man it is worth falling on my face in the process. It seems the attitude of a selfish asshole is called for. . .
I began thinking about what I would do if I stopped trying to follow a script and just go with my gut. What would I say? How would I say it? Would I try to be the charming guy that I was trying to ape? Or would I go straight to the point? A great deal of game that I have read addresses indirect game; how to generate attraction to reduce a girl's resistance to your advances. But what if I was being too indirect? What if I was attracted to indirect game not because it fits me or because I have found great success with it, but because it was indirect? What if I was afraid, not of the girl or the approach, but of making my intentions known? What if I am afraid of my own desires? What if I have been trained to never care about what I want and always be concerned about what others want? In other words if I want a woman WHY THE HELL DO I NOT JUST SAY SO? I want to spend time with her and know her and enjoy her company but no one ever told me to view my wants as more important than hers. Since I cannot DO anything about her wants why should I care? If she does not want me then she is a waste of my time and the sooner I know that the better. If I want something why not just ask for it, and stop pretending that what I want is not important? As far as I know what I want is far more important than what other people want. I can only take care of my needs, and unless she becomes part of my life I cannot take care of her's so why should I try if she is not a part of my life? I cannot read minds so why should I assume that I know what she wants? If it is not me she wants, than it is time to move on to someone else. My stupidity amazes me sometimes. . .
In short, my game is going to become much more direct. I do not intend to give up on indirect game, just use it far less. I expect to crash and burn, but why not? If it is worth all this effort to become a man it is worth falling on my face in the process. It seems the attitude of a selfish asshole is called for. . .
The church of delta
When I was a younger delta, I believed I had strong convictions about waiting for marriage for sexual intimacy. This was the result of my many years of churchianity morality training. Some of it was Biblically correct... other parts not so much. What I have come to understand is that this was more than a belief, it was a convenient mask for my delta ways.
I am reminded of a specific church affiliated camp experience with exciting speakers. They pounded home the idea that monogamy was inherently good and waiting till marriage was equally important. Made perfect sense to me, I was shy with girls and waiting was good, because those cool guys up front didn't wait and later regretted it. This and other experiences helped me create what I thought was a solid fact based conviction in sex is best saved for marriage.
Conviction: a fixed or firm belief. Convictions are not so easily tossed aside when a tasty opportunity comes along. They also contribute to the makeup of ones backbone which is necessary for manhood. You will see from this account that two root causes of my young deltahood were self-deception about what I believed, and having Jell-O for a backbone.
When the first opportunity came along to break this "conviction" everything that had been driven into my head was conveniently forgotten. That high school relationship with a train wreck ended two years later. Fast forward to the next opportunity, I am dating my now ex-wife. Magically my strong conviction disappeared again but with the following additional twist.
Early on while dating, the discussion of number of partners came up. In typical style I was honest, on the other hand she...due to a hamster impaired rounding error arrived at the same exact number. Tied to this discussion I mentioned how I wanted to wait for marriage. In case some of you readers missed it I will repeat in clear uncertain terms:
As the male party in a relationship I clearly defined and communicated my decision to remain celibate till ring swap ceremony had taken place at a church of our unified choice complete with the socially required family members delivering wrapped things from Target in exchange for dinner.
Because this discussion happened before we were intimate, it changed the dynamic. Sexual intimacy had now became a s-test. I had purposefully drawn a line in the sand which now stood as a signpost of male spiritual and household leadership. She crossed that line flippantly. Was I a willing participant? Absolutely! It was not date rape. However, I set a standard and didn't hold to it breaking both IV and XV of the 16 core game maxims. As I look back at the years and how my marriage unraveled in terms of game, this was the first big s-test I failed.
In my journey to understand game I have come to believe that sex with ones spouse is designed by our maker to be a "gimmie" in natural manhood. (my take on core maxim XIV) When a man marries and beds his wife he gains certain alpha credibility free of effort with her. Even greater cred. if she hasn't spent years riding the ALPHA carousel. In a perfect world, even the weakest of married men would receive this gift on his wedding day.
Certain observations now lead me to believe that I am not alone. When I look around church on Sunday morning I see a large contingent of BETA men married to whales. (a majority of these women were not bloated when they donned the expensive white dress) Tie that observation to the statistics on premarital sex among American churchgoers: while many believe it is wrong to have sex before marriage they also continue to do so in large numbers. These statistics and my personal observations point to a reality that I am not the only one who has created and failed this specific s-test. Coupled with this loss of status for the husband is the additional burden of guilt laid on by the social organization of the church which I will not go into detail here. Suffice it to say, a very damaging one two punch for the church attending married man.
If you failed this s-test but are still trying to be an honorable husband my advice is simple, learn game and save your marriage. As for me, my old understanding of churchianity marriage has been replaced with a Genesis 24:67 definition. In a tent, without a rubber chicken dinner, and most importantly, lacking any government licensing fee.
- DJ
I am reminded of a specific church affiliated camp experience with exciting speakers. They pounded home the idea that monogamy was inherently good and waiting till marriage was equally important. Made perfect sense to me, I was shy with girls and waiting was good, because those cool guys up front didn't wait and later regretted it. This and other experiences helped me create what I thought was a solid fact based conviction in sex is best saved for marriage.
Conviction: a fixed or firm belief. Convictions are not so easily tossed aside when a tasty opportunity comes along. They also contribute to the makeup of ones backbone which is necessary for manhood. You will see from this account that two root causes of my young deltahood were self-deception about what I believed, and having Jell-O for a backbone.
When the first opportunity came along to break this "conviction" everything that had been driven into my head was conveniently forgotten. That high school relationship with a train wreck ended two years later. Fast forward to the next opportunity, I am dating my now ex-wife. Magically my strong conviction disappeared again but with the following additional twist.
Early on while dating, the discussion of number of partners came up. In typical style I was honest, on the other hand she...due to a hamster impaired rounding error arrived at the same exact number. Tied to this discussion I mentioned how I wanted to wait for marriage. In case some of you readers missed it I will repeat in clear uncertain terms:
As the male party in a relationship I clearly defined and communicated my decision to remain celibate till ring swap ceremony had taken place at a church of our unified choice complete with the socially required family members delivering wrapped things from Target in exchange for dinner.
Because this discussion happened before we were intimate, it changed the dynamic. Sexual intimacy had now became a s-test. I had purposefully drawn a line in the sand which now stood as a signpost of male spiritual and household leadership. She crossed that line flippantly. Was I a willing participant? Absolutely! It was not date rape. However, I set a standard and didn't hold to it breaking both IV and XV of the 16 core game maxims. As I look back at the years and how my marriage unraveled in terms of game, this was the first big s-test I failed.
In my journey to understand game I have come to believe that sex with ones spouse is designed by our maker to be a "gimmie" in natural manhood. (my take on core maxim XIV) When a man marries and beds his wife he gains certain alpha credibility free of effort with her. Even greater cred. if she hasn't spent years riding the ALPHA carousel. In a perfect world, even the weakest of married men would receive this gift on his wedding day.
Certain observations now lead me to believe that I am not alone. When I look around church on Sunday morning I see a large contingent of BETA men married to whales. (a majority of these women were not bloated when they donned the expensive white dress) Tie that observation to the statistics on premarital sex among American churchgoers: while many believe it is wrong to have sex before marriage they also continue to do so in large numbers. These statistics and my personal observations point to a reality that I am not the only one who has created and failed this specific s-test. Coupled with this loss of status for the husband is the additional burden of guilt laid on by the social organization of the church which I will not go into detail here. Suffice it to say, a very damaging one two punch for the church attending married man.
If you failed this s-test but are still trying to be an honorable husband my advice is simple, learn game and save your marriage. As for me, my old understanding of churchianity marriage has been replaced with a Genesis 24:67 definition. In a tent, without a rubber chicken dinner, and most importantly, lacking any government licensing fee.
- DJ
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
An Alternative to Cold Approaches
RM's post on cold approaches inspired me to write a post about the power of using familiarity to create attraction in the opposite sex. It has limitations, i.e. LJBF, but can also be productive. Don't overlook the potential of "consequential strangers."
If you're interested, it just went up at Hooking Up Smart:
Alpha Mail: marriage and comedy
Jakob W unintentionally equates marriage with pain:
Second, the MRAs that Schwyzer is criticizing are openly and vehemently anti-marriage. So, Jakob's statement makes no sense in the context of Schwyzer's anti-MRA narrative, since the MRA argument is that because women can so easily and unilaterally choose to inflict emotional and financial pain on their husbands, men should not marry.
Third, other than not marrying, men are in fact legally helpless if their wife unilaterally decides to divorce them, take the children, and asset-strip them. Their only legal defense is to remove themselves from the judicial regime, which in most cases requires abandoning their children as well. They have other actions that they could take, of course, but none within the legal system. I very much doubt that these extra-legal responses are actions that Schwyzer supports in his call for men to take responsibility for their feelings of helplessness.
On the premarital front, CD wonders to what extent a man should follow a woman:
CD needs to sit his fiance down and have a serious conversation with her about whether she wants to be a wife and mother or if she wants to go to the big city in pursuit of excitement. If she equivocates at all with regards to the former, I would not hesitate to break up with her. I suspect that CD and his fiance are fairly young, probably in college, and so the idea of riding the carousel is most likely looking very attractive to her right now, especially if CD is her high school boyfriend. Forget comedy school, if CD merely makes the mistake of moving to Chicago with her, there is a very high probability that she'll either cheat on him or break up with him within the first six months. That's simply what young women do. As each new chapter of life begins, they want to leave the characters from the previous chapter behind.
This is a classic Game dilemma. CD has handled the initial stage pretty well, but he hasn't closed the deal yet. This is because he hasn't applied Maxim XVI. Never be afraid to lose her. To paraphrase the font of all wisdom, he who would keep his woman will lose her.
Having read the quoted article I found Schwyzer's central theme to be relevant to this blog: a narrative of helplessness - as indicated by "It is easy to demonstrate that women are completely responsible for the pain they have caused without the need to argue over which sex is responsible for sex-biased family courts because not one single woman has ever been forced to file for divorce, custody, or alimony in the entire recorded history of Man." Which leaves out the fact that men aren't forced into marriage either. See: Narrative of Helplessness.There are several problems here with Jakob's nonsensical reply. First, referring to the active female choice to file for divorce does not in any way leave out the fact that men are not forced into marriage. Men are responsible for taking the risk of divorce when they choose to get married; the only way to avoid it is to not marry. But the important difference is that a man is not choosing to inflict pain on himself or his wife when he marries her in the way that a woman is choosing to inflict pain on her husband when she chooses to divorce him.
Second, the MRAs that Schwyzer is criticizing are openly and vehemently anti-marriage. So, Jakob's statement makes no sense in the context of Schwyzer's anti-MRA narrative, since the MRA argument is that because women can so easily and unilaterally choose to inflict emotional and financial pain on their husbands, men should not marry.
Third, other than not marrying, men are in fact legally helpless if their wife unilaterally decides to divorce them, take the children, and asset-strip them. Their only legal defense is to remove themselves from the judicial regime, which in most cases requires abandoning their children as well. They have other actions that they could take, of course, but none within the legal system. I very much doubt that these extra-legal responses are actions that Schwyzer supports in his call for men to take responsibility for their feelings of helplessness.
On the premarital front, CD wonders to what extent a man should follow a woman:
I thought it might be ok to get your input on this. My fiance and I have had more than a few arguments on this situation. She loves comedy, has a great sense of humor, and has an interest in the field. She wanted to attend Second City in Chicago (a comedy school) and thought that if anything came of it, I would happily follow her and her dream, move to Chicago and let her pursue the comedy thing. I'm not going to lie, I have a big problem with the idea of riding the coat tails of a woman's journey. The idea just seems absurd to me. Am I being ridiculous?Yes, CD is being ridiculous. In cases such as these, a man has two choices. Either let her go to pursue her dreams or crush those dreams and don't think twice about it. Either option is valid and they represent the full range of viable choices. Resent him? If he chooses to crush her dream, CD's fiance should thank him for doing what she most likely wants, which is to release her from her fear of failure by taking the burden of the decision off her shoulders. She doesn't actually want to "pursue her dream" of becoming a serious comedienne, she just wants to do what women often do, which is dabble in something, go to school for it, and do pretty much everything related to it that doesn't involve actually doing it or taking any substantive risks. If CD's fiance was serious about comedy, she'd already be performing in the local stand-up clubs several nights a week like men who want to become comedians do. She has absolutely no need to go to Chicago to learn that she's not good enough to compete in a ruthless and highly competitive industry.
The situation has died down now. She went to Second City for a week (about a year ago), really enjoyed it, but nothing really came of it. She talks about it occasionally. I think she would still love to move to Chicago but hides that from me given my previous reactions. I'm trying to find a middle ground, as I don't want her to resent me in her mind for crushing her dreams, but at the same time, I don't want her to feel like she can mold me into a "tag-along" that will follow her anywhere she wants to go. That's my situation, any advice and/or input would be greatly appreciated.
CD needs to sit his fiance down and have a serious conversation with her about whether she wants to be a wife and mother or if she wants to go to the big city in pursuit of excitement. If she equivocates at all with regards to the former, I would not hesitate to break up with her. I suspect that CD and his fiance are fairly young, probably in college, and so the idea of riding the carousel is most likely looking very attractive to her right now, especially if CD is her high school boyfriend. Forget comedy school, if CD merely makes the mistake of moving to Chicago with her, there is a very high probability that she'll either cheat on him or break up with him within the first six months. That's simply what young women do. As each new chapter of life begins, they want to leave the characters from the previous chapter behind.
This is a classic Game dilemma. CD has handled the initial stage pretty well, but he hasn't closed the deal yet. This is because he hasn't applied Maxim XVI. Never be afraid to lose her. To paraphrase the font of all wisdom, he who would keep his woman will lose her.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Facing your fear (of approaching)
The biggest obstacle to success with women, or success in anything, is fear. The first time I cold-approached a girl it took me three hours to actually talk to her. When I finally did approach, I was a mess: my hands were shaking, my face was hot, my palms were sweaty, and when I spoke I sounded like a lost lamb my voice was shaking so much. I was not even asking for her number. I had been practicing sleight of hand for three years and wanted to get into get into street magic. Even though my delivery was awful, I was able to perform the trick successfully (she said it was cool), and went home elated. I had done something that for me was incredibly difficult. I had faced a major fear and did so successfully. I was proud of myself.
Fast forward to last Saturday. This time I am actually looking to get her number and I have to laugh at myself because nothing has changed: I am still afraid (though in control), and it still takes me a half an hour to actually approach.
When it comes to approaching the only thing that will drive the fear away is consistent practice.
Unfortunately this does not help for someone who is just starting out. Successfully managing your fear is often the difference between success and failure. So what do you do?
First: Get out of the house. Clean yourself up, dress well, and get out. You are not going to face your fears from your mom's basement. The dragons are out there, not in your apartment. GET OUT.
Second: Recognize that fear is a sign you are going in the right direction. If you are doing something that make you afraid that mean that you are doing something that challenges you. Ignore the people who say it is easy. They are not where you are. You have your challenges they have theirs. Do not let others dictate to you how difficult it should be. This is your challenge. Own it.
Third: Commit to the approach. Whatever happens DO NOT GIVE UP. This is probably the most important thing you can do. You will approach and you will ask her for her number. You may find that you abort the approach before you reach the girl. If that happens, compose yourself and approach again. If it takes a dozen tries, if it takes all day you will approach your target and you will ask for her number. Do not give up.
Fourth: Whatever she says be proud of yourself. If you are new to cold-approaching just getting past your fear is a success. It does not matter what she says because you have faced your fear and beat it. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. You did something that was difficult for you. This is something to be proud of.
Fifth: IMMEDIATELY after the first approach, do another. The momentum from one successful approach is often enough to propel you through another; do not waste it. If you do one approach, do another. Success breeds success. Use the energy from pushing through the fear to get you through multiple approaches, this will give you practice.
Last, I want to talk about a technique that helps me face my fear. Often I find that the three second rule is not enough and I abort the approach before I have reached the girl. When this happens I find a place nearby and sit down. The fear from the aborted approach is often still there trying to get me to give up, to go home, or any number of excuses to get me to not try again. So I try again. This will trigger the fear again. So I continue to listen to it. I let it in and try to feel it completely. This allows me to get used to the feeling. I goad it on. I dare it to try and get me to give up. I face it completely. I become completely aware of it. Most importantly I do not give up. I face the fear. I listen to it. I see it as separate from me. It is not me. It does not control me. I choose, it does not. This puts me in the driver's seat. It can push me but it cannot get me to give up. If I do this eventually I will approach and I will achieve my goal. I face my fear.
I permit the fear to pass over and through me.
When it has gone past I turn to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there is nothing.
Only I remain.
Fast forward to last Saturday. This time I am actually looking to get her number and I have to laugh at myself because nothing has changed: I am still afraid (though in control), and it still takes me a half an hour to actually approach.
When it comes to approaching the only thing that will drive the fear away is consistent practice.
Unfortunately this does not help for someone who is just starting out. Successfully managing your fear is often the difference between success and failure. So what do you do?
First: Get out of the house. Clean yourself up, dress well, and get out. You are not going to face your fears from your mom's basement. The dragons are out there, not in your apartment. GET OUT.
Second: Recognize that fear is a sign you are going in the right direction. If you are doing something that make you afraid that mean that you are doing something that challenges you. Ignore the people who say it is easy. They are not where you are. You have your challenges they have theirs. Do not let others dictate to you how difficult it should be. This is your challenge. Own it.
Third: Commit to the approach. Whatever happens DO NOT GIVE UP. This is probably the most important thing you can do. You will approach and you will ask her for her number. You may find that you abort the approach before you reach the girl. If that happens, compose yourself and approach again. If it takes a dozen tries, if it takes all day you will approach your target and you will ask for her number. Do not give up.
Fourth: Whatever she says be proud of yourself. If you are new to cold-approaching just getting past your fear is a success. It does not matter what she says because you have faced your fear and beat it. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. You did something that was difficult for you. This is something to be proud of.
Fifth: IMMEDIATELY after the first approach, do another. The momentum from one successful approach is often enough to propel you through another; do not waste it. If you do one approach, do another. Success breeds success. Use the energy from pushing through the fear to get you through multiple approaches, this will give you practice.
Last, I want to talk about a technique that helps me face my fear. Often I find that the three second rule is not enough and I abort the approach before I have reached the girl. When this happens I find a place nearby and sit down. The fear from the aborted approach is often still there trying to get me to give up, to go home, or any number of excuses to get me to not try again. So I try again. This will trigger the fear again. So I continue to listen to it. I let it in and try to feel it completely. This allows me to get used to the feeling. I goad it on. I dare it to try and get me to give up. I face it completely. I become completely aware of it. Most importantly I do not give up. I face the fear. I listen to it. I see it as separate from me. It is not me. It does not control me. I choose, it does not. This puts me in the driver's seat. It can push me but it cannot get me to give up. If I do this eventually I will approach and I will achieve my goal. I face my fear.
I permit the fear to pass over and through me.
When it has gone past I turn to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there is nothing.
Only I remain.
Dragon slaying
I see all manner of posts and thoughts about approximating the behavior of Alphas. I thought it would be far more useful to explain how Alphas become Alphas in the first place, and what you can do to train your sons, and yourselves, to be Alphas.
Do not approximate. Do or Do Not. There is no Approximate.
An insightful blogger here pointed out that the alpha ego, enormous as it is, is based in reality. The alpha's positive self-image and confidence are the direct result of what? It comes from success. But success at what? Well... that's the important question. It has to be what people consider... real. Business... sport... music... art... anything.... almost. Video game success is going to help you out with your geek clique but the rest of the world just doesn't give a crap about your latest World of Warcraft raid. If you want to move up the social ladder, you do that not by aping behavior., but by growing into an interesting person. Now, I hear the Gammas hissing already. I know, I know... you are interesting and if everyone else was just smarter they'd see how amazing you really are. You gammas are free to stop reading now, as for the most part, you're utterly hopeless. A pox on you.
But you omegas... you low deltas... you're the ones I'm really talking to. Look, you don't need therapy dudes. You need a life. That's not an insult, its a pathway. Its advice. Let me 'splain.
Alphas are always described as the center of attention, telling loud self-aggrandizing stories. Well... what if they had no stories? What if the stories weren't true? They wouldn't be alphas, would they? That is the very difference between alphas and omegas and deltas. Alphas are interesting, and they have reality-based self-confidence that stems from challenges bested.
Men have been denied challenge their whole lives. You've had no adventures. What have you done? When you look back on your life to this point, what makes you smile and say "wow that was something most people haven't done"? If the answer is "I have a level 80 Undead Death Knight" then congratulations, you're a delta or more likely an omega. If your answer is, "Well... I climbed Kilimanjaro and one night in Stockholm I kicked Izzy Stradlin's ass" then you're probably an alpha.
Ah, but you say, "Dude I can't afford to go to Africa and Sweden's weird."
You're right. But you don't start at the top. You start at the bottom... and the basis of all self confidence is accomplishment. So pick a challenge and go meet it. Don't just meet it, destroy it. Crush it. Learn mountain climbing. Learn to rappel. Learn sky diving or scuba diving. If that isn't your style, then build something. Learn wood working and build things with your own hands and when the products are finished, they will stare back at you and the excellence before you will be an external proof of your own worth. You don't need to stand in front of a mirror and recite any stupid self affirmations. The proof is right there. There was no sturdy, well-built table and now there is. The very table itself looks at you and says, "you're good enough, you're smart enough, and dog gone it, people like you."
You know this is true. You know it because you tasted it when you setup that pretty girl's DSL modem for her. It wasn't her attention that fed you. It was your accomplishment and the fact that however small your contribution was, there was real, externally verified value there. Now imagine if you hadn't done a geeky thing like that. Craftwork is the elementary school for self-confidence, friends. Start with your hands. If you've already surpassed that level of self confidence, then its time to move on to adventure. Go places. See things. Do. Go and Do. If you're not an extrovert, that's fine. Go alone. In fact, in a lot of ways that makes you cooler. Sigmas are alphas whose challenges are largely bested alone.
The difference in natural-born alphas and you is that we were born with this burning desire to challenge ourselves, and in our minds we never fail. Never. We never fail because we never quit. As a child I would hear my friends say, "I can't do that." and it sounded absolutely alien to me. I would think "what do you mean you can't do it? Have you tried? Have you worked at it really hard for days on end?"
It's bollocks.
What one man can do, another can do.
So get off your ass and do it. Live, dammit! You're a man. The world may not provide you with dragons to slay, but you'll die if you don't. So create your own dragons and crush them. Crush them, dammit, and their carcasses will feed your soul and their blood will fill your heart... and a pretty girl will seem about as threatening as the dried leaves of fall you crush under your feet without a second thought.
So... what are you gonna do?
- Nate
Do not approximate. Do or Do Not. There is no Approximate.
An insightful blogger here pointed out that the alpha ego, enormous as it is, is based in reality. The alpha's positive self-image and confidence are the direct result of what? It comes from success. But success at what? Well... that's the important question. It has to be what people consider... real. Business... sport... music... art... anything.... almost. Video game success is going to help you out with your geek clique but the rest of the world just doesn't give a crap about your latest World of Warcraft raid. If you want to move up the social ladder, you do that not by aping behavior., but by growing into an interesting person. Now, I hear the Gammas hissing already. I know, I know... you are interesting and if everyone else was just smarter they'd see how amazing you really are. You gammas are free to stop reading now, as for the most part, you're utterly hopeless. A pox on you.
But you omegas... you low deltas... you're the ones I'm really talking to. Look, you don't need therapy dudes. You need a life. That's not an insult, its a pathway. Its advice. Let me 'splain.
Alphas are always described as the center of attention, telling loud self-aggrandizing stories. Well... what if they had no stories? What if the stories weren't true? They wouldn't be alphas, would they? That is the very difference between alphas and omegas and deltas. Alphas are interesting, and they have reality-based self-confidence that stems from challenges bested.
Men have been denied challenge their whole lives. You've had no adventures. What have you done? When you look back on your life to this point, what makes you smile and say "wow that was something most people haven't done"? If the answer is "I have a level 80 Undead Death Knight" then congratulations, you're a delta or more likely an omega. If your answer is, "Well... I climbed Kilimanjaro and one night in Stockholm I kicked Izzy Stradlin's ass" then you're probably an alpha.
Ah, but you say, "Dude I can't afford to go to Africa and Sweden's weird."
You're right. But you don't start at the top. You start at the bottom... and the basis of all self confidence is accomplishment. So pick a challenge and go meet it. Don't just meet it, destroy it. Crush it. Learn mountain climbing. Learn to rappel. Learn sky diving or scuba diving. If that isn't your style, then build something. Learn wood working and build things with your own hands and when the products are finished, they will stare back at you and the excellence before you will be an external proof of your own worth. You don't need to stand in front of a mirror and recite any stupid self affirmations. The proof is right there. There was no sturdy, well-built table and now there is. The very table itself looks at you and says, "you're good enough, you're smart enough, and dog gone it, people like you."
You know this is true. You know it because you tasted it when you setup that pretty girl's DSL modem for her. It wasn't her attention that fed you. It was your accomplishment and the fact that however small your contribution was, there was real, externally verified value there. Now imagine if you hadn't done a geeky thing like that. Craftwork is the elementary school for self-confidence, friends. Start with your hands. If you've already surpassed that level of self confidence, then its time to move on to adventure. Go places. See things. Do. Go and Do. If you're not an extrovert, that's fine. Go alone. In fact, in a lot of ways that makes you cooler. Sigmas are alphas whose challenges are largely bested alone.
The difference in natural-born alphas and you is that we were born with this burning desire to challenge ourselves, and in our minds we never fail. Never. We never fail because we never quit. As a child I would hear my friends say, "I can't do that." and it sounded absolutely alien to me. I would think "what do you mean you can't do it? Have you tried? Have you worked at it really hard for days on end?"
It's bollocks.
What one man can do, another can do.
So get off your ass and do it. Live, dammit! You're a man. The world may not provide you with dragons to slay, but you'll die if you don't. So create your own dragons and crush them. Crush them, dammit, and their carcasses will feed your soul and their blood will fill your heart... and a pretty girl will seem about as threatening as the dried leaves of fall you crush under your feet without a second thought.
So... what are you gonna do?
- Nate
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)