Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Girls Night Out isn't the end of the world

Rollo provides sound advice on responding to a Girls Night Out request:
Let her go.

“You do know what happens when your girlfriend ‘gets drunk, he was cute, and one thing led to another,..’?!!”

Yes, I’ve been the guy who nailed your girlfriend.

“You do know that ‘taken’ girls just want to live vicariously through their single girlfriends?”

I’ve written volumes about it.

This is a very common shit test. Don’t even pause to think about it and do NOT let her perceive for a second that you’re even contemplating it. Be matter-of-fact and tell her you’ll see her when she gets back. Don’t tell her to call you, and don’t you call her. If she calls be concise and ask her if she’s enjoying herself, nothing more – no details, nothing. Let her be as forthcoming as she wants and never for a minute give her the impression you’re suspicious or posessive. This is the surest way to pass this test.

When and if she asks about what you’ve been doing, tell her you’ve been busy with work/school, your family, etc., (i.e. something unavoidably responsible). Do NOT say you’re out with the boys in some lame effort to counter her going off with the girls. Do NOT give her the impression that you are doing anything as a reprisal to her going off with the girls. Do NOT give her the impression that you are pacing around the house waiting for her to call or sulking.
I have to admit, it has never occurred to me for a second to kick up a fuss about Spacebunny's request to go out with a girlfriend or three. While I prefer the pleasure of her company, I also enjoy the silence around the house on those evenings and usually get a fair amount of writing done. If you are a man who doesn't enjoy doing whatever the hell you want without being interrupted, you are probably too far down the socio-sexual hierarchy to hang on to your woman if an Alpha or even a Beta takes a fancy to her anyhow. Rollo is also correct to advise avoiding trying to "make her jealous back", which is why "not much" is always the correct response to any questions about how you spent your time.

NB: "Not much" is the correct description of any male activity that ranges from "I spent the evening rearranging my collection of Intellivision cartridges in order of release" to "I spent the evening snorting coke and banging a pair of Victoria's Secret models". Remember, women are solipsistic. They don't actually care what you do, except insofar as it relates to them.

Relationships are about trust, in the end, and what provides a sound foundation for a real relationship is the amount of trust one partner is willing to grant the other. Just as the coward dies a thousand deaths and the brave man only one, the man who is willing to implicitly trust his wife or girlfriend will only be betrayed once, if ever. The man who lives an eternity of agonies worrying about what his wife or girlfriend is doing every moment she is out of his view lives through scores, perhaps even hundreds, of hypothetical betrayals, until his BETA behavior finally drives her to commit an actual one.

Indeed, one of the big differences between the ALPHA attitude and the BETA attitude is that the ALPHA always assumes his wife will be faithful to him. Why wouldn't she be, when she knows that betrayal will not only mean the end of the relationship, but probably her short-term replacement in a matter of weeks, if not days? She knows that losing her is not the end of the ALPHA's world, because she is a part of his world, not its entirety. He's got his mission. He's got his hobbies. He's got his intellectual interests. Ironically, because the BETA makes his woman his whole world, he significantly increases the likelihood that he has also immanentized his eschaton.

Rollo is entirely correct to advise the young man not to "ask her anything about that evening in a playful manner". That is pure Gamma behavior; cloaking deadly serious concerns under a facade of playfulness. Women see right through that sort of false nonchalance and Indifference Game goes too easily awry to be utilized by any man who is not at least in part genuinely indifferent.

Now, none of this means that one should regard weekly barhopping or a girls' trip to Barbados with equanimity. It is perfectly reasonable for a woman to go out to dinner once or twice a month with her friends. It is not, on the other hand, perfectly reasonable for her to live an active social life without you or to engage in sex tourism. But if she wants to do those things, then you've already got a serious problem on your hands. And, of course, it should go without saying that the correct response to a Girl's Night Out demand is to end the relationship.

The Desire Dynamic is key, as a woman who wants to cheat will. Do you think you're going to stop her by hovering and mate-guarding? Then think about how young Muslim girls are known to go out and have sex with Arabic thugs even though they know they're closely watched and will be drowned in the family pool if they're caught.

24 comments:

Toby Temple said...

Rollo's suggestion really works.

My guy friends always pester me about how I allow my gf to attend GNO with her friends. They keep telling that it was stupid. But I only smirk at such things in ridicule to how insecure they are.

The female friends offer a different story though. They always wonder if I was cheating on her. So did her friends.

Markku said...

If she were to say she's going out with [name A, name B, name C and name D], I wouldn't be concerned.

If she were to actually call it "a Girl's Night Out", I would treat it as a shit-test. That particular expression is a loaded one.

Mr. Nightstick said...

I always allow GNOs unless it will inconvenience me. Once I made it clear that was my standard it's amazing how much work my wife will go through to prevent inconveniencing me.

Daniel said...

Kick out the Jams, Vox. Elegant little Illuminati! reference. BETAhood is one man's vast global conspiracy against himself.

whatever said...

Good advice. I've got advice to starving peasants on how not to starve.

Be rich.

See how great my advice is?

Beta's <> Alpha's and "appropriate response" can vary. Many beta's have stopped there wife from cheating by being paranoid. The key thing for both the beta and the alpha is the fact that, you know, they will walk if they want to. The beta may have to reinforce the risk chickee is taking with actual monitoring. And there is a big difference between worriedly/tearfully asking(thus chickee still has options open) "How did it go?" and expressionlessly asking "Sleep with anyone?".

So no, "if she is wants to cheat, she is going to cheat" is a retarded thing to say. Same woman, same opportunity, boyfriends with same sexual rank. With one boyfriend she WILL cheat, because the guy she is dating is the kind of guy to whine "what did I do?" if she is caught, but she won't get caught cause he also pedestalizes her and so believes stupid lies. The other boyfriend she damn well won't, because they had a semi-funny conversation last week where he talked about how one of his friends was such an idiot for not seeing that "that stupid slut" was cheating on him. And how much he "woves" her even though she is nothing but a cheap tramp!

It was funny, but in another sense not so funny at all, and she sure as f* isn't going to that band guy's apartment even though she wants to.

Cane Caldo said...

Once you get to a GNO scenario that you're wary of, it's too late.

Pick a woman with friends of whom you approve. Guard against future friends that have troublesome habits. Ask about them, and if they seem dubious, deride their sorry state BEFORE they invite your woman for a GNO.

Christian Player said...

The best response to a girl asking what you've been up to AT ANY TIME is "not much" with a devilish grin.

Rollo is right on, though keeping it short with these girls is even better.

Ian Ironwood said...

I concur with the consensus: let her go, and then be innocently mysterious about what you were doing while she was gone, if you need to tweak her a little. Then drag her to the bedroom and set course to Pound Town, before she can say a word. If she's been unfaithful, you'll know pretty quick. And if she hasn't, hey, righteous sex. In fact, make it a precondition before you discuss all the crap going on with her girlfriends, if you want: you can go out, but that is considered foreplay. That, more than guarding behavior, should ensure her good behavior. Guarding behavior implies that you do not trust her. I agree with Athol, trust but verify. If you are going to see red flags, then this is the time they might come out.

See? Sex cures everything!

Me, I let Mrs. I go out with her girlfriends pretty much as she needs to. She's the one who usually keeps the police from getting involved, as well as the one who keeps the herd together. I'm not in the least concerned that she would cheat on me, and I trust her implicitly. That's not to say it's impossible, but it's unlikely enough that it would be a dramatic departure from her character. I prefer not to run my marriage in constant doubt of my spouse (it keeps the foreplay tepid) and I find that she gets her excitement-and-female-bonding quotient from these gatherings.

And if I'm worried in advance that her girlfriends will try to influence her to do things against her character, I just send along a basket of vibrators and chick porn. That usually distracts them enough to keep them from going crazy with dudes. Nothing makes a single chick more scornful of men than a new vibrator.

Cane Caldo said...

Also, praise the friends you do approve of, and encourage the good.

Mike43 said...

My favorite is the one where she's caught cheating, and the relationship ends. The plaintiff cry of: But aren't you going to fight for me???

In short, no. No trust, no relationship. End of story.

Stickwick said...

When I was young and stupid, I thought it was romantic that some of my gal pals had boyfriends who kept strict tabs on their every move. It really showed how much they cared! Then I dated a guy who was extremely concerned about my comings and goings and would even sit on the stairs outside my apartment to make sure I didn't go anywhere without his knowledge. It was repulsive, and I dumped him hard after a few weeks. On the flip side, as momentarily disappointing as it can be when your man shows little to no concern about your activities, it certainly has the right effect in the long term.

Aeoli Pera said...

NB: "Not much" is the correct description of any male activity that ranges from "I spent the evening rearranging my collection of Intellivision cartridges in order of release" to "I spent the evening snorting coke and banging a pair of Victoria's Secret models". Remember, women are solipsistic. They don't actually care what you do, except insofar as it relates to them.

Illustrated.

Josh said...

If you have any doubt that she would cheat on you, that's a sign that you need to up your smv or your ltr game.

The delta/gamma fear of girls night out, is that projection (they would cheat if they had the chance) or is it pedestalization (I'm not worthy!)? Or is out just simple lack of control in the relationship?

Anonymous said...

Josh:

the delta/gamma fear of GNO is lack of control and insecurity.

deti

swiftfoxmark2 said...

One need only fear a cheating wife if she outranks you sexually. And if that is the case, you need to do what you need to do to meet her rank, be it diet and exercise, or whatever else is needed.

ken in sc said...

Where have you been until 3 AM?

There was a midnight madness sale at the mall.

Why do I smell alcohol on your breath?

There was a wine and cheese tasting at the mall.

Why is your blouse on inside out?

I must have put it on wrong while changing clothes at the sale.

Where are the things you bought?

I didn't find anything I liked.

Men will believe anything they want to believe.

Billy goat said...

#Alpha Game: You , sir, need to post more often. That is all.

Peregrine John said...

What Billy goat said. Pretty much every mistake I've made in a relationship, ever, was straight-up frame misalignment. For some reason, Vox, you're one of the 3 or 4 guys who convey how to set it, hold it, and functionally use it, in ways that work with my brain patterns. Thanks.

MaMu1977 said...

" The plaintiff cry of: But aren't you going to fight for me???"

Correct answer: "There are over 3 billion women in the world. Why waste time fighting over a cheater?" (This works, because women *love* talking about who's cheating on who.)
Correct answer B (for NYC residents or anyone not living in China or India): "There are millions of fish in the sea.", then walk away. In case there's anyone on this site who is unaware of this little factoid, New York City's unmarried female population is six digits higher than the unmarried male population. In industrialized countries, women usually outnumber men in cities by a mid 5 to low 6 figure margin.

Anonymous said...

My wife is super hot and off in Whistler with a few girls that I frankly don't trust (that aren't so hot). It's driving me nuts, sure I'm a little insecure as in my last three relationships I was cheated on.
The advice that I received reading this has been very helpful. Vox that was a great article. Thx,

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left with no choice... He did special prayers and used roots and herbs... Within 7 days she called me and was sorry for all

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we are expecting our third child. I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have

had good news... Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need's it... You can

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