As the Christmas tree is thrown out and the wrapping paper cleared away, the empty Champagne bottles taken out behind the garage, Google searches for terms like “divorce lawyer” and “file for divorce” spike. Many of the people researching how to untie the knot will probably not do so. But some will.Marriage isn't about two people, it is the foundation for the family. And as such, it should never be taken lightly or dependent upon something as ephemeral as "happiness".
Brad Wilcox and Samuel Sturgeon of the Institute for Family Studies suggest that there might be good reason to hold off, particularly if you have kids. Of course, there might be good reason not to hold off! But the majority of divorces involving kids don’t come from “high conflict” marriages or situations involving abuse; Wilcox and Sturgeon point to data indicating that most divorces come from couples who are still basically functioning as parents.
Counterintuitively, kids whose parents divorce amid flying crockery and lurid accusations may actually do better, post-divorce, than kids whose parents unhappily fizzle out. But if you think about it for a while, that’s not all that surprising. In homes with major conflict, divorce brings a certain measure of peace and stability. But if your parents are basically civil to each other, divorce could come as an unwelcome surprise.
Our parents, our family unit, are the first and most bedrock fact of our lives. Suddenly breaking that apart -- for no reason apparent to the children involved -- shakes a faith in the world that will never be rebuilt in quite the same way. Moreover, divorce often means downward economic mobility. Unless you are hugely wealthy, splitting your income across two households means that sacrifices have to be made by both parties, and often, that financial stress is added to the emotional upheaval of unraveling two lives.
Small wonder, then, that the children of divorce tend to have worse outcomes on various measures than the children whose parents stay together: According to Wilcox and Sturgeon, “Divorce typically doubles or triples the odds that children will experience depression, delinquency, school failure, or future relationship difficulties.”
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Yes, divorce is bad for children
As always, exceptions serve as the basis for poor generalities, lousy justifications, and bad policies. In most cases, divorce will have negative long-term consequences for the children involved.
31 comments:
Divorce is bad, frivorce is worse. Why am I not surprised? Breaking your word given before God has consequences for all around you.
Amen and again I praise the Lord, daily, that despite high conflict at times, my husband and I didn't pull the plug on our marriage. In the end, I knew that one home, no matter how imperfect, was fair to and best for our son, who had not asked to be borne to his effed-up parents. Step Two then became reducing the conflict in a substantial way, not just superficial avoidance and repression: change thyself by immersion in The Word and Vox Popoli, prayer, submission, and Grace (rinse, repeat). We're now going on 28 years and having more fun than when we met and than I had ever thought possible during some very dark times. Happily, our adult son likes us (again), is off the payroll and out of the spare room, and prefers his girlfriend and friends to us. Thank you, Ilk.
If I could get one suggestion to the God Vice Emperor, it would be to craft a Federal Covenant marriage law. Adultery, Abuse (felony battery, not words), or Abandonment (filing for frivorce included). No custody, alimony, child support for the at-fault party. No one would have to file as a covenant marriage, but if we can have "gay" marriage, we certainly can have Christian marriage.
Then add that 1/3 of VETERAN SUICIDES are caused by family courts, and suggest the VA provide lawyer support, and maybe adjust some of the laws. Family Courts might kill more Veretans than VA medical badness.
It affects even beyond the family unit, to friends and extended family. There is a very clear demarcation in my childhood between the time when my mom's side of the family was as close knit and wholesome as the Waltons and the time after my aunt and uncle turned holidays into a battleground by going through a very ugly divorce. The estrangements and feuds that came from it last till this day and harried my grandparents into early graves. There is a very good reason God specifically says he hates divorce.
If I could get one suggestion to the God Vice Emperor, it would be to craft a Federal Covenant marriage law. Adultery, Abuse (felony battery, not words), or Abandonment (filing for frivorce included). No custody, alimony, child support for the at-fault party. No one would have to file as a covenant marriage, but if we can have "gay" marriage, we certainly can have Christian marriage.
Yup, because getting the government even deeper into marriage and the bedrooms of the state couldn't possibly make things worse...
/sarc
Harems Run By Alphas are superior to jew population controlled monogamous marriage ...
This is WHY women are divorcing in the millions, monogamy IS BIOLOGICALLY INCORRECT, everything from pre-selection to sharing alpha's proves women are HARDWIRED to be in harems
Of course christians wont tell you this, because they dont care about the truth
Monogamous marriage is evil & dysgenic, it destroys the i.q & birth rate of any population stupid enough or grovels to women
Alpha Harems create selective pressures, which prevent low i.q & the genetically unfit from reproducing, while dramatically denying thugs & criminals women to fuck ...
Which is why ALL civilisations before greece & rome, were superior to anything we have today
This is also why we dont hear much about the superior civilisations before greece & rome, precisely because they practised superior male preferred forms of reproduction
The bible CLEARLY shows how superior ALL populations were when they practised male preferred forms of reproduction
Mose's, king solomon, king david with massive empires far exceeding the greeks & romans precisely because they refused monogamous marriage
Christian monogamous marriage is specifically designed to attack men, the male imperative & brutalises male preferred forms of reproduction
Christian monogamous marriage also fills the streets with prostitutes & whores, precisely because women unfit to be wives, have no place to go, no harems to join, no families to join
The mind blowing idiocracy & stupidity of western civilisation, christians cant even see their own fatal flaws in even the most basic biological functions, they cant even reproduce without royally fucking it up ...
Yup, because getting the government even deeper into marriage and the bedrooms of the state couldn't possibly make things worse...
Enforcing private contracts is a function of Government.
I think it should be, even if optionally, harder to get out of marriage than student loan debt.
If a wife takes the kids and runs away to a different state, can Government get involved to address the kidnapping?
@HappyHousewife That is so true. When my sister-in-law split from her husband we were, all of a sudden, expected to hate this guy we had grown to like. My mother-in-law refers to him either as "the a**hole" or "the douche" in front of his own children. It sickens me still even though it has been a couple of years since everything blew up.
Girls of intact families, even if their parents' relationships are visibly lacking, clearly make better wives and mothers.
"Pretty Woman" is a blatant lie. Whores & crazy bitches cannot be saved any more than a rabid dog can be made a good pet.
The rest of the world is burning. Rome fell, but survivors persevered.
This is true today as always. People don't change, they just get better at being who they really are. Figuring out who a person is from their "raw material" is the most important skill any teen develops. It is the essential skill in finding the right partner.
Marriage isn't about two people, it is the foundation for the family. And as such, it should never be taken lightly or dependent upon something as ephemeral as "happiness".
Correct. Its a long term endeavor, not to entered into lightly. I think of analogous to doing a 1980's style manufacturing start-up. The difference is that the time commitment is 20-30 years rather than the 7-10 commitment of the latter.
My parents began their divorce when I was 16, it wasn't finished until after I turned 19. It was a disaster that very nearly ruined my life, and did ruin my younger sister's life. I have little hope that she will ever recover from it. They did not fight much when married, but both took a scorched earth approach once they began the divorce, more concerned with beating the other person than anything else. They would purposefully sabotage their own daughters to pin it on the other parent.
I do not complain about it much, as I would not have the life I have now if I hadn't gone through that, and I wouldn't it away for anything. But to this day it still causes serious issues, if only because it has given me all the responsibility for my parents that they should have had for one another as they grow older.
Yes, divorce is bad for children
But since no one cares about children except to the extent that they serve the best interests of adults, the statement is irrelevant.
My best friend from high school married in his early 30s. It was about loooove, and I remember him saying "If we stop loving each other, what's the point of being married? It won't happen, though, because we're soulmates." Shit. If that marriage was a ship I'd have swum away the next time we were in sight of land.
Sure enough, they didn't even last five years (and by that I mean she started banging a guy at the office), leaving two very young children trying to figure out why mommy and daddy live in different homes and begging them to live in just one.
dependent upon something as ephemeral as "happiness"
Fear of Missing Out is a life philosophy that dooms one to a life of neurotic misery.
"Marriage isn't about two people, it is the foundation for the family. And as such, it should never be taken lightly or dependent upon something as ephemeral as "happiness"."
It's almost impossible to get most women to understand this.
"Marriage isn't about two people, it is the foundation for the family. And as such, it should never be taken lightly or dependent upon something as ephemeral as "happiness"."
It's almost impossible to get most women to understand this.
The fact that the typical bride-to-be treats the impending wedding day as HER day tells you all you need to know.
"Unless you are hugely wealthy, splitting HIS income across two households means that sacrifices have to be made THE FATHER limiting his ability to see his children for lack of a suitable home, and often, that stress is added to the emotional upheaval of unraveling two lives."
Fixed. Women don't lose the house or income or children they simply get a slightly lesser share of the fathers income while he is often in poverty or homeless. Her lawyer and mandatory court functionaries take the rest.
My ex wife is off "chasing butterflies" with a submissive gamma who reported to her at work. He chased her with a lost puppy dog routine for 2 years and I was told I had nothing to worry about at multiple junctures... until I did.
I am assured it is not a mid-life crisis, but true love as she had a tingle in her stomach when they kissed in the woods like horny teenagers. I've never invoked that in a woman on a first date (/sarcasm) so true love indeed!
Since feminism tells me she is a dude with tits, she can own her shit. I kicked her out of the house and she is subsisidizing my living expenses until the home sells.
I am assured she has NO REGRETS. Not for the impact on our daughter, and not for the impact on his two kids. After all, they are happy now. That's all that matters in current year.
Choose wisely gentlemen. I had ample opportunity to cheat without being caught and never did. At the first sign of attention she did.
Two can play that game. I am now dating and the 2017 model is a vast improvement. She's much less of a bitch, is a better match for my black sense of humour and has bigger tits. Win-win-win if a child were not involved.
I am now four years on from my divorce. My family hopes my anger will cool; they want me to date again. My anger is hotter now than when my ex-wife served me the papers. I loathe part-time fatherhood. As for dating at my age, I would rather chew glass. Obese, peri-menopausal harridans, single mothers, and faded beauties do not interest me. I also consider "blended families" an abomination. For men in my situation, MGTOW makes sense.
Hey Uncle Silas, let it go. Don't let the bitterness spoil what years you have left....There are nice women out there and I agree it is hard to find the good ones amongst all the chaff, but take your time and one or two or three will appear.
Just maybe, your ex-wife did you a favor, as did mine. The challenge now is to show your character, be a man, get in shape, chase some women and set an example for the kid(s). Be the man women want to be with......not an angry middle age lump!
Too many people think that the commitment they make is primarily to one another and that this will be enough to sustain a marriage, but this is not enough. There must be a deep and abiding commitment to the idea and institution of marriage, an idea and institution which is Divine. Commitment to marriage in and of itself is a hard sell in a culture that reveres "falling in love" and fairy-tale romance.
First comes love then comes marriage? How's that working out for us so far?
Uncle Silas, I second Keyser Sozes' comments. I'm working out, focusing on me and chasing the dream. This was the kick in the ass I needed. I fantasized about leaving her but never would for our kid.
Dating in your 40s is awesome if you're in shape and have confidence. Shooting fish in a barrel. Most men age well, most women don't. Go late 30s (or younger if you want to be a cautionary tale).
Despite the odd moment of incredulity that she would betray her vows, I'm happier now than I have been in years. I don't have a nagging, controlling, fading beauty arguing with me all the time. She's got her submissive and he's 4 years younger than her. At some point he may figure out he can get younger and tighter, he's already demonstrated what his promises are worth.
I didn't make the rules, but I will certainly sink to them. As Vox says, turn around is fair play.
There is a lot of chaff out there, but every once in a while you may stumble across a good one. The hunt is 3/4s of the fun.
"Small wonder, then, that the children of divorce tend to have worse outcomes on various measures than the children whose parents stay together: According to Wilcox and Sturgeon, “Divorce typically doubles or triples the odds that children will experience depression, delinquency, school failure, or future relationship difficulties.”"
How do they know these don't come from genetic personality traits? Maybe people who are prone to divorce pass along genes for these traits. After reading "The Blank Slate" this kind of thing always crosses my mind. Not to say divorce has no effect.
Slightly off topic, but not really: I have a 13yo son who lives with my ex-wife. It is 2,500 miles away, so I don't get to spend as much time with him as I'd like. He is highly intelligent, but nerdy. Bottom of the social hierarchy. Physically small and not athletic. Basically me, 35 years and one red pill ago. I hate the thought of him going through all that I did, but he doesn't talk to me enough and I don't get enough time with him to model things. I would like to give him some red pill reading to do, but all the stuff I read is aimed at an older audience. I was wondering if anyone knew of any online resources to help me direct him away from gamma/omega-hood, without being too "mature" for him.
Broken Arrow, I agree. Sample bias is all too likely a confounding problem. This again highlights why children whose parents are together are generally better catches if one wants to marry once & til DDUP.
Almost all human vices assort together, due to common roots in biologically determined neurophysiology. It's a spectrum just like every other behavior.
Marriage is a partnership dedicated to making the highs higher and the lows less low, to raising kids as a tag-team sport and passing each other the ammo in the foxhole (as conditions require.)
It's an exercise in grasping the totality of Happiness Path, skipping the now-pervasive vices that promise a dopamine surge at the expense of all the actual good things in life.
The foundation is a low time preference grasp of what deep partnership demands & an appreciation for what it yields.
Most people lack the skill to do it by insight & action, but following the traditional manual suffices.
I take great pride in my partnership, from the first dance 43 years ago onward.
I’m looking for a neoractionary/red pill history of feminism, the sexual revolution, and social decay in marriage. For example, I just quoted Reed Perry The Tyranny of Suffrage, deploring the sexual revolution for breaking apart the black family, endless people are saying that it had nothing to do with the sexual revolution, but was caused by drugs, unjust laws etc, although no doubt they were a huge factor as well. It’s be nice if we had a red pill apologetics, quick stats and talking points to make the case against feminism and modern relationships. Or even a “Peoples history” from the alt-right perspective.
Any mainstream recommendations on the history of marriage etc that might be helpful would be most welcome. Thank you.
The government intervention into the family from criminal/legal comex in nothing short if evil. Cps, child support, divorve, juvenile crinal... All of it a fucking 26 year old with a psy major gets t tell a grandmother if 13 +most if whom are suceasdul) how the grandmother should raise children. And the fully cucked judge with her own daddy issues gets to make law. Insane.
Except those situations where the wife withholds sex, then the go-to solution is to divorce, children be damned.
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