Now that i am calm, i really need a starting point. At this point i don't care how painful it is. I just need to know what needs to be done no matter what, so i won't feel so lost. Where i should start, what should i study, what i should start doing, what must i gradually change etc etc. Those are the question i am asking here. You could say that i am asking for guidance here.
- Stop lying to yourself. Learn to catch when you are revising history and editing reality in order to make it more acceptable to yourself.
- Stop lying to others. Stop spinning every story to make yourself look better. Stop exaggerating your accomplishments and minimizing your mistakes.
- Stop the drama. Don't go overboard. Whether it is good or whether it is bad, tell yourself: "this is no big deal" and "this, too, shall pass."
- Start working out and lifting weights. Start getting your body accustomed to the endorphin release. Within three months, you'll start craving it the way you now crave sugar and carbohydrates.
- Don't run from confrontation. Fight or submit. That's what men do.
Saw an interesting ALPHA-GAMMA exchange at work today. The Gamma disagreed with the Alpha's approach to a problem, and the Alpha responded to the technical details of the Gamma's objections. They went back and forth a bit, and at this point, you could have agreed with either side (it was a problem where each solution had its strengths and weaknesses). But the Gamma apparently couldn't tolerate the disagreement and after a couple of minutes suddenly made a personal attack against the Alpha. He basically said "I don't understand how you can be so incompetent as to disagree with me" and then proceeded to talk over the Alpha's response.Notice the various elements of the socio-sexual hierarchy at work:
The Alpha perceived a challenge to his position (or at least an unacceptable level of disrespect) and suddenly his voice and demeanor took on massive edge. He is also a huge dude. Looks like an NFL lineman. It was really a rapid change, light-switch getting flipped sort of thing. The Gamma logged off his computer and immediately went home for the day, even though it was only mid-afternoon. He was literally unable to continue working after a confrontation which he himself had provoked.
- Alpha: doesn't mind straightforward conflict, will not tolerate disrespect, is comfortable with direct and physical conflict. The political is not personal.
- Gamma: can't tolerate disagreement or criticism, bitchy, cowardly, puts himself in situations he is not equipped to handle. The political is personal, the technical is personal, everything is personal. Runs from direct confrontation.
The Sigma, of course, doesn't get into that situation in the first place because he neither knows nor cares about the Alpha's problem, let alone his approach to solving it.
42 comments:
There's that Chris Rock line to the effect of "when men argue with other men, there is a line they won't cross because they know they'll get their ass kicked." Sounds like Mr. Gamma doesn't think his bitchy comment might have consequences. Did he never get his ass kicked in school? (If not, this is another strike against the female-dominated school system that doesn't permit boys to learn this important lesson, and thus contributes to the creation of more gammas.)
Yep, he created the very conflict he was afraid of. Just like I would have done at one point.
My big thing when I was a gamma was "just kidding." It was a coward's cover. The frequency I used to say it was actually a measure of how much animosity I was suppressing.
Gammas, trust me on this... just shut up. If you set out to prove you aren't a gamma, all you'll accomplish is removing any doubt.
A lot of recent talk has been about gamma self-delusion. Yet it's a commonly accepted tenet of game to have strong frame control and unshakeable and irrational self confidence. In what way is an alpha's 'frame control' different from a gamma's self delusion?
Schools have become the home for antimasculine influence, what with the nonviolence campaigns and antibullying campaigns. Conflicts are managed through appeals to some higher authority that simply calls for an end without addressing the conflict or its cause whatsoever. As the above poster mentioned, lines of personal space and proper decorum are never established or taught to be respected. As a result, we have created a nation of line-steppers and thus, a less civil society.
Yet it's a commonly accepted tenet of game to have strong frame control and unshakeable and irrational self confidence. In what way is an alpha's 'frame control' different from a gamma's self delusion?
The gamma fails at it. The distinction is basically that of competence. The gamma is so insecure that it is clear to everyone from the signals he gives, that it is just self-deception. The Alpha might receive anger, but the Gamma receives pity and distaste.
One cannot just jump from Gamma to Alpha. One has to go though Delta. And Delta-stage is about the actual truth of the matter.
Sadly, this gamma schoolyard behavior seems to have been instituted directly into America's national and international policies, which accounts for much of our declining place in the world. Honor and integrity have declined in favor of sniveling, cowardice, and bitchiness.
@Thomas
It's a natural consequence of the belief that women are naturally superior to men. It's perplexing that we are so blind to it. When you teach boys from cradle through university that typically feminine behavior is better, you get more gamma. Then women, atfter treating masculinity as a pest to be eradicated, lament that there are no real men left.
Absurd as an exterminator whining their are no insects left. It's what their stated goal was.
You can't fix a gamma's emotional reaction to a confrontation. That's what makes him a gamma. Imagine two gammas going after each other. Like a tranny fight on Jerry Springer.
"Schools have become the home for antimasculine influence, what with the nonviolence campaigns and antibullying campaigns."
It starts as early as boys are put under the authority and influence of the women who dominate daycares and early education. They want quiet, unruly classrooms; basically, classes full of little girls. Rowdiness, competitiveness, and all things that little boys do out of instinct are punished until they get in line. That's why we have so many gammas running around.
' In what way is an alpha's 'frame control' different from a gamma's self delusion? '
It may have to do with the emotional response. Gammas can't control their emotions. This may be a subconscious calling for help because they know they are living in a delusion
Which is why I don't think a woman's response to a man is a good sign of his socio-sexual status. I know guys who can get women easily that will explode and run away the minute a man disagrees with them.
@Trust
I don't think it's blindness per se; you see it, I see it, anyone with a minimal perceptive ability sees it. What we are dealing with here is exactly the same thing as "the emperor's new clothes". The political correctness mentality is so locked in and the average person is so sold out to it that Gamma is elevated. Alpha mindset is so vilified it's become counter cultural. All this has occurred in the span of a couple generations. I shake my head to think of how it's happened.
In what way is an alpha's 'frame control' different from a gamma's self delusion?
The alpha actually controls the frame for those around him. No one else is deluded but the gamma.
Read the urbandictionary entries on Gamma male. There are five of them, and the last three (i.e., the ones being downvoted, perhaps by Gamma males) are quite good. The funny thing is, they don't appear to have been cribbed from Vox's blogs at all.
So what would a sigma do in the work situation? It is not always possible to completely avoid conflict in those situations, especially when a decision must be made before proceeding. Just doing his own thing would be more passive aggressive and would tend to get him fired assuming this was not a "one person can do the whole thing" project.
Eric E: In what way is an alpha's 'frame control' different from a gamma's self delusion?
Vox: The alpha actually controls the frame for those around him. No one else is deluded but the gamma.
I've noticed a tendency for alphas to BS on topics on which they aren't particularly knowledgeable rather than say "I don't know" and to be extremely overconfident when expressing a poorly supported (but genuinely held) opinion. When challenged rather than being permitted to simply steer and control the conversation while being the acknowledged expert on all things, they retreat into gamma behavior (refusing to admit being wrong, shifting the goal posts, redefining words, generally getting defensive).
I've never figured out if this is the underlying alpha insecurity than manifests when his authority isn't accepted, or if these people are imposters who have done a good job of mimicking alphas but can't maintain the illusion when challenged.
Sigma is not only about psychology, but also about status. Your scenario assumes that the sigma wants to not get fired, and that just wouldn't be the case.
2. Stop lying to others. Stop spinning every story to make yourself look better. Stop exaggerating your accomplishments and minimizing your mistakes.
3. Stop the drama. Don't go overboard. Whether it is good or whether it is bad, tell yourself: "this is no big deal" and "this, too, shall pass."
As a follow-up to the Alpha-Gamma confrontation, aftewards, the Alpha was pissed - at himself. He said he should have de-escalated the conflict before it reached a breaking point. Even though the Gamma was the one pushing things, the Alpha still felt responsibility for the outcome. I'm not sure he could have steered it differently though, the fucking Gamma was dug in hard to his position, but the Alpha wasn't minimizing his mistakes and was unhappy with the drama that resulted.
In retrospect, I probably should have stepped in, but it flipped way too fast, caught me by surprise.
It may have to do with the emotional response. Gammas can't control their emotions.
I wouldn't say Alphas (or Betas, Deltas, etc.) are always in control of their emotions either. The guy yesterday for instance was very obviously angry. He'd been provoked. What was different though is his emotions pushed him towards resolving the conflict. Also, afterwards, he was back working about 30 seconds after the Gamma had left. He lost his cool in the face of provocation, but recovered it once the source of the problem was gone.
Alphas aren't infalable or superhuman. Sometimes they make bad choices, they lose their temper, they say or do things they regret, sometimes they just screw up. Just like every other human being on the planet. They key are those first few bullet points in the list above. Be honest with yourself and others when you screw up and don't stake your ego on never being wrong.
So for the purposes of a "recovering gamma", don't think you have to be perfect. In fact, that's probably the first thing you have to let go of. You can get back up again if you fall down.
So what would a sigma do in the work situation?
As Vox said, the Sigma wouldn't have involved himself. In this particular case, the actual technical issue they were debating was incredibly minor. I mean, really, really not worth the time it wasted. Why the Gamma felt the need to stick his oar in so persistently is a bit baffling. A Sigma wouldn't have done that.
On the other side, if it was the Sigma the Gamma was attacking, I'm not sure if the Sigma would have had quite the same response to the status challenge. A Sigma response might have been been to say something like "Congratulations on your new work item, Gamma Boy" and leave it up to the local Alpha to go admonish the dumbass Gamma for disrupting things. Sigmas would be less inclined to worry about their status in the org, whereas for Alphas, that's a very important thing.
Why the Gamma felt the need to stick his oar in so persistently is a bit baffling.
This may not have been related to his Gamma status per se, but if it was, it was likely because he identifies himself with his position. If the idea he advocates for loses, he feels personally diminished. Even if everyone else is willing to quietly drop the issue and let him have his way, he may try to get public displays of support for it because that feeds his self esteem.
When a pro QB like Tom Brady walks out on the field, he's confident that he's going to score a TD. Sometimes he doesn't; sometimes he even throws an interception. That doesn't mean he was being "irrational." But you can't only be confident when you're actually going to succeed (that's what a gamma tries to do: don't try unless victory is certain). So an alpha tends to be confident across the board -- a bit more confident than the facts suggest he should be, maybe, but he's not being delusional.
Likewise, the alpha approaching a woman is confident that she'll respond well. Sometimes she won't, but that doesn't mean he was being delusional. If he's always confident, usually they do respond well, and that's what matters, because occasional failures aren't devastating to him.
The gamma, on the other hand, isn't confident, even "irrationally" so. He's fearful of every failure, every embarrassment. That's why he needs the support of the warren, and why he so frequently appeals to authority and popularity -- he's not confident enough to take a stand alone. When he says, "Real women love a feminist male who is sensitive to their concerns like I am," he's not being confident; he's being delusional. He's not just exaggerating the truth; he's contradicting it. On some level, he probably knows that, and it shows.
Markku,
Sigma is not only about psychology, but also about status. Your scenario assumes that the sigma wants to not get fired, and that just wouldn't be the case.
So sigmas never work in larger companies? You can't always go your own way in a team larger than 1. Even Vox doesn't always get his own way with CH. Working with others means that every tense situation cannot be a "my way or the highway" situation. (Whoever hits the highway.)
Even Vox doesn't always get his own way with CH
No, but threatened with firing, he absolutely would take that option. Then he would get a lawyer to find out how much damages he can claim (he'd be too lazy to look into it himself) and then he would either find someone else, or start his own company.
The Alpha perceived a challenge to his position (or at least an unacceptable level of disrespect) and suddenly his voice and demeanor took on massive edge. He is also a huge dude. Looks like an NFL lineman. It was really a rapid change, light-switch getting flipped sort of thing. The Gamma logged off his computer and immediately went home for the day, even though it was only mid-afternoon.
Honestly I would have to have seen the situation myself to be certain which socio-dynamics were in play. To paraphrase Stallin, size is a quality all it's own.
Working with others means that every tense situation cannot be a "my way or the highway" situation.
"My way or the highway" is an Alpha response, not a Sigma one. That's an Alpha deciding the stakes are high enough that he needs to go all-in.
I doubt a Sigma would care enough to even make the statement.
Maybe this is a good time for me to offer up again my theory on the difference between Alpha and Sigma. Both seek to exert their will upon their environment, but they make different trade-offs for depth and breadth of influence. An Alpha sees a status hierarchy as a useful tool he can use to extend the breadth of his influence, but at the cost of making concessions to the heirarchy. A Sigma sees the hierarchy as an obnoxious burden best avoided, even if that means a more narrow (but deeper) scope of influence.
Forgive me father for I have sinned; yes, I watch reality TV.
But the present season of Voice of Finland is really fun to watch, because there's a sigma (Michael Monroe) and an alpha (Olli Lindholm) in it. And their mutual dynamic is precisely what you'd expect. Michael constantly gets on Olli's nerves, because he seems totally oblivious to Olli's constant attempts to establish the hierarchy. Like one time when Olli just happened to bring up that in the eighties, he was voted as the number one macho man of Finland, and Michael was only on second place. Michael didn't even seem to recognize this as a putdown. The delta (Redrama) and the gyne (Tarja Turunen) all fit in their places, but Michael just flies out there in a dimension of his own. Not establishing position, nor responding to attempts at establishing it.
Also, generally Michael just doesn't give a rat's ass about anything. And you immediately see that it's truly so, it's not an act.
But then, once, two singers from his team sang some rock song with way too little energy. And he just absolutely ripped into them. Everybody was clearly taken aback, they didn't expect anything like that response from him.
You don't want to touch a sigma's few hot buttons.
There was this strange, intense graveness in his voice, like they hadn't really offended HIM, but rather committed a crime against art and he was just there to witness it.
Don't get the idea "Sigmas don't care about anything." As introverted alphas, they care about a lot of things. Things that you are completely unaware of. They just usually don't give a damn about the things everyone else cares about.
Interestingly, Alphas are the same way, but they tend to draw in people and make them care about whatever their cause is.
One way to think of the difference between Gamma and Sigma is to think of geopolitics. In this current Ukraine mess, the EU/USA is Gamma and Russia is Sigma.
One way to think of the difference between Gamma and Sigma is to think of geopolitics. In this current Ukraine mess, the EU/USA is Gamma and Russia is Sigma.
I'm not sure I agree. I think Russia is gamma, because they are delusional, are picking fights they cannot win if the other side becomes like the alpha in the example and gets in the gamma's face.
Whether the US is alpha or sigma is open to question. Under Obama probably sigma; but when the US makes its decision Russia will be in a world of hurt that is only in the beginning stages right now because Obama wants to help his Muslim buddies more than confront Russia in Europe where the US's real interests lie.
I would in no way consider the US to be either Alpha or Sigma. It's more like a Delta who inherited a fortune. Sure, he gets what he wants and all the women may want to sleep with him, but he's still bumbling around with no long term goals and no clue.
One keeps frame in the face of a woman, or otherwise, who revises everything in an effort to ensnare one in emotional chaos. There is truth and acceptance by others. Example: Vox controls the frame and scope of his battles with Scalzi.
One loses oneself in self-delusion by refusing to accept oneself and one's situations. They will say anything, yet no one is listening. They run, but cannot escape the source of the problem, themselves. Example: Scalzi.
If I may offer a metaphor for the difference between frame and self-delusion: the mountain face and the dust in a corner might be made out of the same thing, but what is important is that one is not easily moved and the other is easily swept up.
I'm not sure I agree. I think Russia is gamma, because they are delusional, are picking fights they cannot win if the other side becomes like the alpha in the example and gets in the gamma's face.
Not really. Russia is actually very careful and methodical. Not to mention tells the West to eff off and does what it wants. The point above about the Sigma not caring if he gets fired from a job applies to Russia completely.
Whether the US is alpha or sigma is open to question. Under Obama probably sigma; but when the US makes its decision Russia will be in a world of hurt that is only in the beginning stages right now because Obama wants to help his Muslim buddies more than confront Russia in Europe where the US's real interests lie.
Under Obama, probably Sigma? Are you serious?
No, the USA became Gamma when neocon idiocy became our foreign policy. Under Obama, it's more Delta, as maniacprovost suggests. The EU, OTOH, is fully Gamma.
Under Obama probably sigma; but when the US makes its decision Russia will be in a world of hurt that is only in the beginning stages right now because Obama wants to help his Muslim buddies more than confront Russia in Europe where the US's real interests lie.
The US can't even beat a bunch of queers in Iraq and Afghanistan...
Politics and manosphere probably shouldn't mix. C'mon? A country gets punched and punches back by destroying 2 countries? I see a hierarchy being established whether I like it or not. Other countries clearly understood the hierarchy.
No one is alpha everywhere because it is a hierarchy. Sometimes they become betas, and sometimes betas become alphas. But is a sigma always a sigma? When you get punched in the face can you "not care"? Our societies lack of violence makes some of these categories viable. If a gamma wins a vote over a delta, does he become not gamma because he wins the hierarchy? Or are his persistent personality traits what count?
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