Thursday, February 14, 2013

Spare them a thought today

A vintage Valentine from 1905 for all those single ladies who are making a point of exuberantly loving their lives on Facebook today:

As for the single men, today is your day!  Can't you smell the desperation all around you in the air?  The first thing you should do today is make a reservation at a great restaurant that you particularly like.  And when the first girl who interests you laments that she doesn't have a date or a boyfriend, tell her that you'll take her out tonight.  If she doesn't agree, (and she usually will), then repeat with the next one to come along.  Even if you're normally a helpless gamma, you'll look like a smooth player and it's guaranteed that when the maître d' escorts you to your table, she'll give you a funny look and ask if this is something you do every year.

Do NOT give her a straight answer.  Just smile and tell her that she really should try a particular dish.  Don't try to impress her, just relax and enjoy yourself, let the evening come to you.  Order a decent bottle of red wine.  If nothing comes of it, that's fine.  It's just a good dinner with a drinkable wine and a beautiful woman, what is not to like about it?

And when people compliment you on being a cute couple, don't straighten them out.  Tell absurd lies.  Tell them it's your fourth anniversary.  Tell them you just got engaged.  Tell them she only has six months to live but tonight you're celebrating life.  She'll be simultaneously horrified and trying not to burst out laughing.

Keep it light, keep it fun, and the first date won't be the last one.


Shimshon said...

Great find. Hilarious. I wonder how far back the cat meme goes?

Giraffe said...

Gotta modernize it a little:

She's lived life and had lots of fun
Spread her legs much and had alpha's son
But she couldn't nail'm down
'Cause she'd been all over town
Now she'll settle, but her best days are done.

Josh said...

All the single ladies!

All the single ladies!

tz said...

I have found some beautiful things at 2nd hand and thrift stores, but they are exceptions. In the description, beautiful was late in the text.

Of course if you supersize to a magnum and drink half before finishing the salad...

One other difference is in the above card, "Maid" was short for maiden and the anti-tamper seal unbroken.

Michael Maier said...

Good point, tz.

Maybe not good for a FIRST date, but some are bolder than others...

If she orders something you haven't tried (or Hell, you just want to SAY you've not tried it) and it has a sauce or some manner of thick liquid tell her you wonder what that tastes like.

Lean in, then take hold of her hand and dip a finger or two of hers in it and then lick it off slowly.

I did this with apple butter the first time.

She was, of course, shocked and embarrassed but definitely aroused.

taterearl said...

That's the type of advice you should use every day of the year.

taterearl said...

Also I have to thank the Catholic church for having Ash Wednesday the day before Valentine's. I gave up facebook for Lent so that I don't have to hear how fabulous the lives of single ladies are today.

jlw said...

What's the male version of "Old Maid" for omegas? The problem is that we are often lumped into the same categories as other male types (alphas, lamdas) by the labels society applies.

A "confirmed bachelor" is seen as gay. Omegas are not gay.

A "perpetual bachelor" is often considered to be the stereotypcial pump em/dump em alpha types. Omegas, otoh, are lifelong incels.

Is there a male omega equivalant to Old Maid?

Giraffe said...

Is there a male omega equivalant to Old Maid?

The forty year old virgin.

taterearl said...

"Is there a male omega equivalant to Old Maid? "

Charlie Brown.

boxingalcibiades said...

"Is there a male omega equivalant to Old Maid? "

"That creepy old guy."

Jimmy said...

There's need to be a modern "Sex and the City" card. For the hot "50 is the new 40" spinster.

Jestin Ernest said...

Michael said...

"Is there a male omega equivalant to Old Maid? "

It's called Slashdot.

Love the dinner idea ... dating advice even a gamma can follow. Please do more of this. All us posers and faux alphas can use all we can get. With minimal adaptation it will even work on my wife of 27 years.

tz said...

There is no equivalent for omegas. In earlier times there was alcohol (flanders and swann 'have some maderia, my dear), but today it is ghb or equivalent, or worst case paid.

Give up Facebook for lent? Have you also given up broccoli and green beans? That is a vacation, not a penance.

Rabbi Daniel Lapin, many years ago, was curious so he want to a red light district to observe. The prostitutes were initially worried, but he explained he was just learning. He was shocked that the men had fancy cars, were athletic and handsome - alphas and betas though the terms weren't around then, not gammas or omegas. These men could have easily seduced any number or women. Asking an older and more learned rabbi about why, the elder was disappointed.

He explained that prostitutes were at least getting cash - they were not being 'used', but providing a service. The men couldn't use other persons for a one-night stand without feeling guilty for it.

These days we have seemed to have gotten over it, but I personally would not call it progress.

tz said...

The other thing is that severe anorexia - the heroin addict as beauty - was apparently popular back then.

Unknown said...


"Great find. Hilarious. I wonder how far back the cat meme goes?'

Cats as witch's familiars goes back several hundred years.

Anonymous said...

The cat is terrified!

Mike M. said...

Vox, NOW you post this? Why didn't you post it yesterday, so I could make a reservation?

S. Thermite said...

"Is there a male omega equivalant to Old Maid?"

It's called Slashdot.


Anonymous said...

i had to work tonight so, i couldn't do anything. but there's this one restaraunt close by that is pretty popular with the wimminz. last year i went there, posted up at a table and ended up finally bagging a "valentine's day sucks" single chick that was out with her friends. i got in good with her group.

bragged about how great it is to be a single dude on VD, and eventaully got girl to leave with me.

Anonymous said...

To all the Omegas out there...

it could be worse:

LP2021 Bank of LP Work in Progress said...


AWCA(S) DO carry on.

kh123 said...

Bravo, Signore Wordsmith.

Athor Pel said...

"jlw said...
Is there a male omega equivalant to Old Maid?
February 14, 2013 at 1:31 PM "

Old maids are angry, sad, bitter.

Old single men are not, as a rule, angry, sad or bitter. They're doing just fine. They made a decision at some point in their life that they were going to stay single. They are ok with that because it's their decision to make.

This is unlike women, who derive their sense of self worth from the man they manage to snag.

Romance Alta., said...

Great advice. Once you put a girl in the cross-hairs with some pointless, serious line of questioning in the first ten minutes of making her acquaintance, any chance at romance is about as likely as her picking-up the tab!

tz said...

Men do not have a biological clock. The Late Tony Randall (excellent actor - read Dr. Lao among other things) found love late, as did "Investment Biker" and "Ad-venture Capitalist" Jimmy Rodgers married a young women in their advanced age and fathered children (intentionally!). Or Lee Iaccoca. There are many others.

The decision to delay marriage (or the false substitute which is being pawned today) affects men less.

To put it one way: "You can attract more flies with honey than vinegar". "Why would I ever want to attract flies?".

The girls might all look prettier as closing approaches, and with sufficient EtOH toxicity, but it is hard to completely forget the results and context of USA 2013.

tz said...

One thing both the woman and man can - if they decide - can bring as a gift to the spouse on the night of the honeymoon, the consummation of the marriage, is their virginity. Or if a widow(er), continence, which is the same.

A huge carbon rock, wealth, pleasure, might all sound good, but any at best is a substitute.

If you really desire to honor whomever eventually is your wife, you will save yourself for her. Same for wives and husbands.

tz said...


Accompanying the video was an ad, "Meet Chinese Lady"... They have 100 women for 137 men. They can't be that desperate. At least collectively, but I'd worry for the individual.

Oh, as to the video. Your point is?

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The Gray Man said...

Vox, I wish you'd expand on this or write another inspiring post for this year.

Or two.

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