Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Don't try to hide it

There isn't any excuse for the foolish flirtation - or possibly worse - of the husband involved here.  But I find the insult to everyone's intelligence on the part of the wife to be more than a little annoying.  It's fine that she caught her husband out, but we're expected to believe that she isn't inherently suspicious when she spent more effort trying to break into her husband's phone than Bletchley Park did in cracking Enigma.
Even now I can’t explain what prompted me to pick up my husband’s mobile phone and trawl through his messages.

I’m not inherently suspicious and had no reason to mistrust him.

On the contrary, had you asked me to describe him I would have said he was dependable, loving and the least likely man in our circle of friends to betray his wife.

It happened on Christmas Eve and I was provoked, at first, just by idle curiosity.

Our two young sons were tucked up in bed, their stockings hung by the fireplace.

The table was set for lunch with family and friends the next day. Mark was busy in the garage.

I had flopped, exhausted, on the sofa and there on the coffee table was Mark’s swanky new mobile.

I had no real sense of purpose when I flicked across to his texts.

It was only when I realized I couldn’t access them because he had protected them with a password that the first glimmer of suspicion struck. Why would he do that?

I’m not particularly proud of myself, but at this point I turned amateur sleuth.

I decided I had to crack the code. I tried many possibilities — our birthdays, those of our sons, the burglar alarm code — but all were fruitless.

Each failure made me more determined and a little more uneasy: Mark had clearly settled on a configuration of letters and numbers that was far from obvious.

Finally, I got it. He’d used his mum’s date of birth. And as I scrolled through his messages I smiled to myself.
I can.  It's called: "she was suspicious, and apparently with good reason".  How is it supposed to be better that one "had no real sense of purpose" instead of bona fide suspicions as an excuse for breaking into someone else's device?  Now, granted, I harbor a genuine hatred for anyone touching my computer for any reason at all, (although I don't care if people use my phone), but regardless, I find it ridiculous when women attempt to pretend they aren't nosy, suspicious creatures who don't hesitate to pry into drawers, phones, computers, and devices.  And when caught, they inevitably try pretend that it was purely an accident that they were sticking their nose where it doesn't belong, about as credibly as the paedophile who attempts to claim that all the images he possesses are there for "research".

Now, I do think that a suspicious spouse, of either sex, has the right to request to see the other's telephone records or Facebook account, given the amount of affairs that have been revealed in such ways.  But that's as far as it goes.  Sometimes suspicion is warranted, but whether it is or it isn't, don't try to pretend that it is anything but what it is.

I'm also struck by a tangential thought.  If we are supposed to believe that an emotional affair is actually worse than a physical affair, doesn't logic necessarily dictate that one should simply go ahead with the latter if the former has already begun?

29 comments:

SarahsDaughter said...

How is it supposed to be better that one "had no real sense of purpose" instead of bona fide suspicions as an excuse for breaking into someone else's device?

Better? No, this is an extra dollop of shaming men. This is an extra "nominate me" for victim of the month club winner. This is "it could happen to anyone! No one woman is safe, no marriage is safe. The most credible man, with the most integrity, the most content marriage etc. is still not trustworthy. Women beware! Don't fool yourself that "my husband would never do that." Because if I could be ignorant of it, surely everyone could be.

taterearl said...

I can. It's called: "she was suspicious, and apparently with good reason".

Or as we have also learned.... it could possibly be projection.

Nothing softens the blow of your marital shenanigans than blaming the other person for causing you to "get revenge".

Jimmy said...

"one should simply go ahead with the latter if the former has already begun?"

It is a saying that the emotional affair is worse, but it actually isn't since the marriage was saved. Perhaps the emotional affair by a woman is worse than when a man has one. This is based on her experiences and I am well aware that women enjoy messing with people's emotions in a way that is much more powerful than physical expression.

I would agree she had her suspicions.

Will Best said...

Mom's birthday is hardly hiding anything. That is something you use to prevent your 3-10 year old from playing with your phone. Then again he didn't tell her which is enough.

Trust said...

My wife used to have my email password. One day, she emailed me to scold me for a private comment I made to my best friend. So I changed my password. I don't cheat, but I also won't allow my private conversations to be monitored any more than she would.

Now if I had emails from a woman she never heard of I'd fully expect her to look read it. But emails from the.best man? I think not.

Anonymous said...


...I find it ridiculous when women attempt to pretend they aren't nosy, suspicious creatures who don't hesitate to pry into drawers, phones, computers, and devices. And when caught, they inevitably try pretend that it was purely an accident that they were sticking their nose where it doesn't belong, about as credibly as the paedophile who attempts to claim that all the images he possesses are there for "research".

A friend of my grandmother, back over 50 years ago, used to amuse herself sometimes when hosting parties. Their children had grown and left. The spare bathroom was little used, only for house guests; nothing was stored there except towels, a couple of rolls of toilet paper and some soap. Specifically, the medicine cabinet over the sink was totally empty. So the lady of the house used to load that cabinet with 20 or more marbles, prior to a dinner party or other social event.

Inevitably, at some point during the evening, a guest would depart to the bathroom, and some moments later a loud clatter of marbles dropping into the sink would be heard. Every time this happened, the story goes, the guest was a woman. Every single time. It was an interesting experiment, with consistent results.

I believe she used to blame the "marbles in the cabinet" on her grandson.

Mr. Snoopy

JDC said...

If you are married, and someone from your past sends you a friend request (be it an ex-lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, leather-clad gimp, ex-spouse, tonsil hockey partner...) don't accept.

I am starting to lose count (I'm not very good at maths) of the number of people who "get into trouble" with their spouse via facebook. It -always- begins innocently - and often ends with guilt, liver-damage and hidden abrasions.

Emma said...

" If we are supposed to believe that an emotional affair is actually worse than a physical affair, doesn't logic necessarily dictate that one should simply go ahead with the latter if the former has already begun? "

Naahhhh. 3 is bigger than 1, but when you add them up, it's 4. Best not to add to the damage.

Trust said...

Women engage in a lot of projection and are hypoctrical about these things.

A while back a close female friend of mine came home for the holidays and my wife and I always meet her when she's in town. We planned a lunch, but my wife was sick. I planned to cancel, but my wife insisted... "it's just a lunch, not drinks and dinner, and she flies home soon. Go."

One of my wife's friends scolded her that she would NEVER let her husband have lunch with another woman. However, this same friend of my wife's who scolded her works a few blocks from me and has asked me to lunch with her more than once, before and after scolding my wife. Pot kettle, kettle pot.

taterearl said...

If you are a real stud...you'll flirt with women in front of your wife.

Trust said...

@taterearl

I think flirting with other women in front of one's wife is cruel. But, unfortunately, it is more likely than flowers to turn a wife on.

taterearl said...

@ Trust

It will...anger and dread do more than romantic gestures. A woman doesn't want her man to cheat but she wants to think he has the ability.

Being a sneak about it means you are ashamed or feeling guilty about it. Out in the open proves you aren't.

Mystery Man said...

It will...anger and dread do more than romantic gestures

Why would you feed another woman's ego, even to deflate your wife's? Homewreckers--which includes women who flirt with married men--don't want YOU, they want to take what belongs to someone else; it gives them a feeling of power and superiority. She's using you at least as much as you're using her.

Why ever do you think the woman on the outside is called a "mistress"?

But whatever, this is exactly what we need nowadays: women with inflated egos who view men as a means to an end, and wives trusting their husbands even less than they already don't.

Matt said...

It won't keep a well-equipped adversary out of your phone, but you really should be using decent passwords on your devices. Even just a string of four randomly-chosen letters would be fine for keeping "amateur sleuths" away.

Daniel said...

Why would you feed another woman's ego, even to deflate your wife's?

If you think flirting with other women deflates the ego of your wife, you don't know your wife very well.

I toned down flirtation after marriage so my wife's head didn't get enormous. No woman likes to feel like she doesn't even have to compete with anyone to get you. No one wants a remainder bin husband.

Trust said...

The point about wives being more turned on by flirting that hurts then than flowers meant to charm them is not to provide justification. It is to point out how women incentivize the wrong behaviors.

For lack of a better analogy, imagine trying to housebreak a dog by saying "good boy" when he goes outside, but when he craps on the carpet calling him a "bad boy" as she gives him a biscuit.

I think part of the wifes motivation in this overall thread is.to brag that a desirable man treated her well. But she's probably more turned on by this revelation than by his.previous good hubs heroics before.

Vidad said...

I flirt shamelessly and it doesn't hurt my marriage a bit. I particularly enjoy hitting on old ladies. My wife knows full well I could get other women if I felt like it - but she also knows I never would. She likes being on my arm and knowing what she's got.

Jestin Ernest said...

If we are supposed to believe that an emotional affair is actually worse than a physical affair, doesn't logic necessarily dictate that one should simply go ahead with the latter if the former has already begun?


you keep SAYING that women usually can't be taken at their word ... but you fail to internalize this wisdom.

someday, grasshopper, you will take the pebble from my hand.



How is it supposed to be better that one "had no real sense of purpose"


oddly, this could actually be true.

women LOVE gossip and drama. it doesn't serve any 'purpose' ( social ladder climbing aside ) but they do it anyways. how much more exciting and titillating can gossip get than being able to tell stories ABOUT YOUR OWN HUSBAND to your girlfriends?

as Trust pointed out, his wife was reading his correspondence EVEN THOUGH SHE WASN'T FINDING ANYTHING.

it's just one more step in the gender wars. she was looking for a lever point to work on him and wear him down, Trust took it away from her.

Carlotta said...

I don't know about this married men flirting.

Women flirt with my Husband all the time, right in front of me as well. He ignores them, he enjoys ignoring them. It makes them try even harder and look stupider. Unless they are an old lady. I have had to refrain from nearly breaking more then one "elderly" hag's hand after she walks right up to my Husband and grabs his ass because he smiled back at her.

If he were to flirt back, it would give that women victory over me and disrespect me. They are testing our marriage by flirting with him.

I known. Young and single, I used to flirt with men out with their girlfriends all the time. I wasn't even interested in him. I just wanted to "win" over her. Then I turned 16 and knocked it the hell off.

(Hangs head in shame)

dannyfrom504 said...

i've read more than one article that shows a woman can for forgive a partner for physical infidelity, but if an amotional connection was involved- deal breaker.

opposite allplies to men. i know i'm guilty. i could deal with my girl getting feelings for another guy, but if she crosses the line and sleeps with him- adios.

CrisisEraDynamo said...

Off-topic, but Acculturated has a cringe-worthy article that I think the Ilk would be interested in:

http://acculturated.com/2013/02/13/training-men-to-be-better-rewards-and-punishments/

taterearl said...

" If he were to flirt back, it would give that women victory over me and disrespect me. They are testing our marriage by flirting with him."

Sure your brain says that...your heart says you picked a male who has high value that women will flirt with him yet he chooses to be with you.

Brad Andrews said...

The idea of flirting while married seems to violate Biblical commands like "flee youthful lusts." It can clearly provoke something in you wife, but is it consistent with the idea that sin starts in the thoughts, not in the actions?

Trust said...

I agree brad. I would never advocate a husband flirt. I also advocate women be wary of their natural inclination of competition anxiety, i.e. their tendencies to be drawn to inappropriate male bahavior.

We correctly teach men that they.should temper their physical tendencies. Unfortunately, we teach women to indulge their.darker emotional tendencies. The result is more and more men behaving poorly in the.off chance that they want to be the.one getting sex.

Mystery Man said...

Sure your brain says that...your heart says you picked a male who has high value that women will flirt with him yet he chooses to be with you.

Quick, chant "NAWALT" before anyone notices a woman whose emotional reactions are tempered with actual thought! We cannot have those!

Carlotta said...

No Taterearl, my "heart" does not.

I don't mind the flirting because it is one way.

If it were returned he would have found himself free and able to pursue her because he could not have me.
This is both sided in our relationship. We both get approached, we both ignore. I step in if she gets handsy. My Husband has only had to actually step in a few times, usually they just see him walking toward me and run.

While it is nice to have a high value man, he is not the only one in the relationship who is high value. If he wants to stay with me, and he has always known this, it is up to him to keep from an appearance of evil. Same with me.

If a women approaches him with obvious interest and he shows interest back he is being disrespectful to me. It shows he is not satisfied with me and is still open to other options. It also devalues me in the eyes of other men. I am accorded great respect by everyone we meet because my Husband will not allow it to be any other way. And I really love that about him, but it is also a non-negotiable for me.

In real life, I have only seen low value women with high value men who tolerate this. What those men do not realize is that most of the "interest" is just a feeding frenzy at the wife's expense. Some witches like to do this to make themselves feel better.

And of course, their Husband flirting with anyone around them would just be twisting the knife deeper.
And every women watching it loses any respect she had for the women and the marriage.

Like you guys like to say, there are people worth a role in the hay and people worth a marriage. Any man who likes to flirt with other chicks is not worth me being faithful for.

tz said...

The problem with jealousy is that it demands the other be bound by duty or custom, not will or desire.

BECAUSE the wife isn't acting in every way possible to insure hubby is happy, satisfied, dizzy and madly in love, she has reason to suspect, but the problem is not with hubby but with her, where she doesn't want to pay for maintenance.

There are some cases where hubby just wants something else - not different or new as wifey could provide that. But they are infrequent. At some point, texting some other strange woman became more exciting and satisfying than texting or anticipating a reunion with wifey.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Carlotta, that a man who flirts back shows an outright disrespect for his wife.

And I agree with tz - wives have to "maintain" a relationship - give love, affection, sex, faithfulness (so must hubands)

And there are infrequent cases where a wife or husband seeks outside excitement, "novelty," as they call it... Generally, a spouse can sense when it is happening. Some spouses ignore it, some are overly suspicious...
I have no answers, but I once felt the need to prove it to a very good liar (so I became an even better sleuth). I only hope that I learned my lesson, and trust my instincts if it ever happens again. I was absolutely right in what I thought was occuring, and walked away from that person like I should have done at the first suspicion. I hope that I never ever have to snoop again, I can just walk away if a future issue comes up, despite the other person telling me how absolutely wrong I am about my suspicions...
Without trust, you really have nothing...

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