Monday, January 16, 2012

Women commit nothing

It is deeply ironic that men are generally considered the commitment-phobic sex when it is easily observable that the main reason they tend to increasingly avoid making commitments is because they are forced to take them very seriously. Women, on the other hand, superficially appear pro-commitment, but this only holds true so long as there is no substantive and quantifiable aspect to the commitment for which they can be held accountable. It's rather fascinating to see the way in which marriage has been transformed from an institution wherein wives were expected to provide actual "marital duties" to one in which sex is now widely considered to be at the sole and unilateral discretion of the wife while the husband is not permitted any reliable expectation of it, much less right to it. Consider the following question, and more importantly, the subsequent advice provided:
Q: I have been with my partner for two years and we are talking about getting married. But, he says he won’t commit himself to me (or anyone) unless there’s a firm deal in place about how often we make love. His marriage and last relationship ended because both women lost interest in sex. He says he wants an undertaking that we would have sex at least twice a week, unless one of us is ill or away. I hate the idea of sex becoming a duty rather than a pleasure. Shouldn’t love be unconditional?

A: It’s very daunting to say that you’ll be up for sex twice a week, whatever happens, even if you are feeling depressed, or menopausal, or pregnant or exhausted. And no individual can guarantee how they will feel about making love five years in the future, let alone ten or 20.

Indeed, why not ask your man how he would feel if his flag was at half-mast and you promptly dropped him. The truth is that you could make a deal on regular sex with the best of intentions and still find that circumstances change and you can’t fulfil the terms of that agreement.

Your partner must know this sex pact is unenforceable.
In answer to the question about love being unconditional, the reality is that marriage is surfeit with conditions, all of them imposed by the state. But the exchange is nicely clarifying, as the advice columnist is not only saying that the singular aspect of a marriage that literally makes a marriage a marriage, the one and only thing that a married man does not have license to obtain elsewhere at will, is not guaranteed, but even a woman's signed and written agreement to provide an agreed amount of sexual favors would be worthless.

Whether that is legally correct in all current jurisdictions or not, her answer summarizes why it makes absolutely no sense for men to marry any longer. From the material perspective, the current form of legal marriage amounts to trading a massive, long-term, government-enforced financial commitment for quite literally nothing except whatever a woman happens to feel like granting at the moment... which happens to be exactly the same thing to which any other man is equally entitled. Unless and until the concept of marital obligations are restored, paternal rights are enforced, and unilaterally imposed divorces are banned, men should staunchly refuse to enter into any relationship that can be construed as legal marriage. While I am happily married, believe very strongly in the positive importance of marriage to society, and conclude it is the optimal structure of relations between the sexes, the legal aspects of it have now been so perverted that I can no longer recommend it to any other man with a clean conscience.

Consider the following statistics. The average American watches 2.7 hours of television per day, or 1,134 minutes per week. Durex reports that married couples have sex an average of 98 times per year. Since the average sexual encounter takes 7 minutes, then the average couple spends about 13.2 minutes per week on the structural foundation of their marriage, or less than one-eightieth the time they spend watching television.

The prospective husband of this woman, who has been twice-burned in the past, is only asking for a firm assurance of what is likely less than a half an hour per week - one television show's worth of time - and yet she is balking at agreeing to even so small a material commitment. Therefore, he would be wise to refuse, even under pain of lifelong celibacy, to put a ring on her finger, because it is all but certain that if he is foolish enough to do so, he will discover the joy of being thrice-burned.

And as for the idea that neither of them will know how they feel about the other in 10 or 20 years, that has been true of every single married couple since the invention of the institution. If you cannot commit to having sex twice per week, then you should never, ever, even begin to consider getting married and it would be best for everyone if you were forced to wear a blue icicle on your clothing so that the opposite sex could have a reasonable idea of what they are getting into with you.

Men must always keep in mind that if a woman commits nothing material to a relationship, she has no grounds for complaining about a man doing the same. If you are coming under pressure to marry a woman, simply tell those putting pressure on you that you are perfectly willing to make a legally enforceable material commitment that is equal to the legally enforceable material commitment made to you. Since that is not possible under the current legal regime despite its claims to equality under the law, it is an easy means of successfully deflecting the social pressure to marry.

To paraphrase Dalrock, no man should feel any social or moral obligation to marry in a legal environment where the “commitment” is predominantly one-sided and can be effectively terminated with a single telephone call to the police or a divorce attorney.

33 comments:

finndistan said...

Wonder what the adviser would say about a man saying "I am not sure that I would still want to financially support my wife after 20 years",

Or what she/he thinks about the position that "withholding compliments from your wife is spousal abuse"

Man has an obligation to go to theater, to prepare breakfast in the morning, to help wash the dishes (dishwasher), to say good words, give the occasional massage, listen to a whole day's nonsense when he wants to relax, give a hug, give a caress, challenge intellectually, make money, buy food, carry the grocery, carry the garbage.... add infinitum

A two minute handjob needs to be earned. Even then, she needs to be in the mood.

Even an amoeba would know this is not a golden deal.

Pablo said...

Therefore, he would be wise to refuse, even under pain of lifelong celibacy, to put a ring on her finger, because it is all but certain that if he is foolish enough to do so, he will discover the joy of being thrice-burned.

Not to mention the joy of married celibacy.

The LP 999/Linda said...

What a terrible woman and absolutely unacceptable advice.

But then again, women today feel more emotionally moved, involved and attracted to sub-par (expletive removed) entertainment like American Idol, Dancing with the stars and other individuals WHOM ARE NOT their spouses.

Trust said...

Michelle Langley asserted the following: "Contrary to popular belief women really aren't the committed sex--it appears men are." (Women's Infidelity 2, page 93)

Anonymous said...

But what if they (the wife) brings home a paycheck and fixes meals and cleans the house at least 50% of the time and helps with the kids?

Anonymous said...

What about those (very) rare women who, like me, are already expressing commitment to their future husbands by remaining abstinent, in the full expectation that there will be lots of sex on the other side of marriage?

Trust said...

Anonymous said...
But what if they (the wife) brings home a paycheck and fixes meals and cleans the house at least 50% of the time and helps with the kids?
___________

How does that relieve one of their marital duties to have sex?

The vow is for monogamy, not celibacy. If women told men the would end their sex lives, men wouldn't marry them. So they put on a false sexual front until the government guarantees arrive. How is that fair? What would you think of a man that promised children, then got a vasectomy a few months after the wedding without including his wife in the decision? What would you think of a legal system that was one-sided in his favor? Would it matter what percentage of the work and chores he did?

Trust said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Trust said...

@Anonymous said...
What about those (very) rare women who, like me, are already expressing commitment to their future husbands by remaining abstinent, in the full expectation that there will be lots of sex on the other side of marriage?
________

I'm guessing he will give it to you. And he would be wrong not to.

And if he doesn't, the law is on your side. Married me have no such recourse (not saying they should have recourse, but I don't believe women should either).

Ghost said...

Spot on column, Vox.

Vox said...

But what if they (the wife) brings home a paycheck and fixes meals and cleans the house at least 50% of the time and helps with the kids?

Irrelevant. It has nothing to do with the legal regime.

What about those (very) rare women who, like me, are already expressing commitment to their future husbands by remaining abstinent, in the full expectation that there will be lots of sex on the other side of marriage?

Irrelevant. It has nothing to do with the legal regime. It will, however, probably increase the chances that a man will decide to brave the material legal risks that marrying you intrinsically entails.

Doug1 said...

Given our divorce laws and family courts very misandrous application of them, American men should only get married if they want children immediately (live with her before then), and then only with a prenup that mimics living together pretty much, in the event of a divorce.

I explain this in more detail here, and also why it’s overall fair in this day and age:

http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2011/12/28/hookinguprealities/how-to-attack-a-blogger/comment-page-3/#comments

Comment on this here.

Anonymous said...

This fellow did the right thing in demanding a sex pact. Once she comes back to tell him it isn't fair and isn't enforceable because an advice columnist says so, he knows she isn't worth marrying.

Anonymous said...

The question needs to be: How many days a week is the man expected to:
1.) Go work at a job (maybe one he hates) to provide for the family?
2.) Provide for his wifes intangibale needs, whatever form they may take?
3.) Be willing to fight or lay down his life for his family?

If the answer for number 1 is 5 or more days a week; then the answer the wife should be willing to give the same consideration to his #1 need. If the answer to #2 and #3 is everyday, then why isn't that the wifes answer to meeting the husbands sexual needs?

I think most men realize that the wife isn't going to be up for red hot sex everyday. I also think that most men are OK with that. The bitch men have on the subject is that they aren't getting enough sex of any varity and they are stuck with a wife that calls all the shots and if the man wants to get rid of her, it will cost him everything he owns as well as his self respect and childern.

Women, your man knows he's not getting your best boob bouncing, wet and wild sex every day. He's ok with that so long as he gets it on a reliable basis. When you only allow him vaginal access on your terms and then only provide him with a dead fish fuck, when you happen to feel like he's earned it; well then you're no longer a wife. What you've become is a whore, and a cheap lazy whore at that. At that point its not about love or respect its a simple matter of the price of pussy and yours is now more expensive than its worth.

Trust said...

@Anonymous said...
The bitch men have on the subject is that they aren't getting enough sex of any variety
__________

I think most would be content with a quarter of what their wife appeared happy to give them before the wedding. I mean, to be blunt, it is understandable how a man can be surprised that his wife doesn't like sex and hates blow jobs when she spent years pre-wedding 1) rarely, if ever, denying sex or blow jobs, 2) often initiated sex and blow jobs, and 3) engaging in almost daily sex and/or blowjobs with an "i love it" demeanor with the very man she acts repulsed by just a few months after the wedding.

---------

Here's an amusing joke that puts it in perspective:

A man comes home and finds his wife packing, so he asked her about it.
Husband: What are you doing?
Wife: Packing. I'm moving to New York. There, people will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free.

So the husband starts packing, and the wife asks him about it.
Wife: What are you doing?
Husband: Moving to New York. I want to see you try to live on $800 a year.

GAHCindy said...

7 minutes? Really?? That's funny. Haven't experienced that problem, myself. No wonder most women aren't much interested in sex. Perhaps if the average guy would try a little harder to hold out until the average woman has time to get somewhere, she'd be more interested. Not that I think sex should be withheld, but it does seem like there might be two sides to this.

MikeT said...

GAHCindy, it's really not that hard to bring a typical woman to orgasm in that much time or less if you're trying.

Wendy said...

Perhaps the woman should stop thinking of sex as a chore. Yeesh.

Anonymous said...

Oh the shame, the indecent shame I feel when I realize that I would have thought this women had a seriously valid point less then a decade ago. I WAS A MORON!

It comes down to a lack of personal responsibility and accountablity.

I would like to see women apply for a job and tell the HR department they would like to be paid for the rest of their life and receive all the benefits of working there, but they cannot guarantee that they will always show up for said job, let alone perform the duties assigned to them. Oh, and they might actually take another job here and there as well.

Really, we are incredibly stupid. How did this happen?

Yes, marriage is a contract with stipulated duties to be performed by each spouse. It is a covenant before the Lord. Yes, EVEN THE WOMEN has to perform these duties. I would say Sex is the baseline. If you ain't having Sex, you ain't married.

And I agree with the commenter. We determine how we will be treated. Not the other way around. Of course, as parents, we must model this behavior and it is true, many men don't totally get it or practice it until they have a sweet baby girl watching what they do to the Mama.

Of course, most women don't start freaking out about how shady women are until they have a Son LOL.
Carlotta

Anonymous said...

Wendy, agreed. Women should stop marrying men they do not want to have non-stop sex with.

Of course, when you have the sexual past of most American women and then you "settle" for a provider...this is what happens.

Carlotta

Anonymous said...

"But what if they (the wife) brings home a paycheck and fixes meals and cleans the house at least 50% of the time and helps with the kids?"

The marriage "contract" is sealed by Sex. If you CHOOSE to ALSO do the job of the provider (aka the Husband) then you still do not give up the sealing of the contract.

"What about those (very) rare women who, like me, are already expressing commitment to their future husbands by remaining abstinent, in the full expectation that there will be lots of sex on the other side of marriage"

I would say pray and then make it very open that you are 1. Looking to get married and 2. Will not be providing any sexual services to anyone you are dating.

This will weed out nearly everyone except a hardcore gamer who thinks you will be a superfun conquest. It is up to you how hard you stick to that conviction.

But I would think fidelity BEFORE marriage would lead to more after marriage and that there are still many men who treasure that.

Also, like I said. Sex seals the contract and it goes both ways. I can't really imagine a man who doesn't want to have sex with a sex starved virgin LOL
Carlotta

debbs said...

Though it is true that you don't know how you'll feel about the other in 10 or 20 years, those feelings will be quite different depending on whether you've had frequent sex together or not.

Anonymous said...

Dr. Laura (the talk show host) always asks women who complain about sex if their husband should get a girlfriend or prostitute instead. The women always gasp in shock at which point Dr. Laura points out that it is the only fair alternative.

Anonymous said...

Seem GahCindy falls right in line with Vox's latest post. Trying to make that No-Win situation.

The One said...

I'm going to say something racist. On avg asian/spanish women have higher sex drives then women of other races. By marrying a women of those two races you will either have more sex or she more likely cheat on you if you don't fulfill her needs. Harnass a person's innate desire rather than forcing them to do something legally.

Anonymous said...

Average encounter is 7 minutes ?!?!

HA!

That just made my day. I feel like a freakin' love god!

indyguy77@work said...

I can't help but think the same thing, Anon@615.

I don't think I've ever been done that quick.

Anonymous said...

I am in a dating relationship and it's gotten to the stage where we talk about marriage regularly and are soon going to embark on it.

I have no concerns about any of this, because I'm 100% confident she'll do it at least twice a week. No "agreement" is necessary.

If anything, I'm concerned that I would be unwilling to give HER as much as SHE wants, such is her sexual appetite!

Desert Cat said...

As a sheep led to the slaughter...

Dude, you're not paying any attention.

Anonymous said...

"Since the average sexual encounter takes 7 minutes".

Is this a joke, or is a number missing in front of that "7"? Or am I just a freak?

If you're done in 7 minutes, you ain't doing it right.

Anonymous said...

LOL. Perfect answer. I don't understand this stupid bitches that don't like sex. Their husbands must be fucking gross or into something disgusting. Or maybe they're assholes. Men who want more sex need to make their woman happy. Stop staring at other women in public, get off the porn and help with the fucking housework. Bring some romance, too. If men stepped up their game they would be knee deep in their wife's pussy. Guaranteed.

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