Alpha Mail: why Daddy ends up with the kids

Ghosts wonders how to tell his kids that their mother didn't care about them enough to want to retain her court-granted custody of them:

Virtually every divorced man I know has custody of his children (myself included). The story is the same for all of us: after the divorce and our "blind justice" automatically hands our children off to these women. They then use the children like pawns, with-holding visitation, threatening to go for sole custody, not to mention the anal raping we receive from the lovely child support services; but then, something happens, and we become the primary custodial parent.

Afterwards, the mothers just... Give up. They (in all the examples I've personally seen) never visit, never call, and quite rapidly sign over their parental rights. Statistically speaking, there's a higher percentage of women who are dead-beat moms than there are dead-beat dads.

You seem a hell of a lot smarter than me, so I was hoping maybe you could help me understand it, possibly in a way I can explain to my boys when they're older. They ask me why their mom doesn't love them anymore, and "because she's a cunt" isn't an acceptable answer for 7 & 9 year olds...

It's an interesting question, since I have also witnessed this process at work in the lives of the only divorced couple that I know. To be honest, it's not only not an acceptable answer for children, it's not accurate either. The process you're seeing at work here is a natural combination of female solipsism with the harsh reality of life as a single parent. One of the key changes in social behavior is that Generation X has observed the copious blunders of the Baby Boomers and while X women aren't significantly less narcissistic, self-centered, or myopic than their predecessors, they are sufficiently observant to have stopped buying into the "you can have it all" theme or to believe that single motherhood is a reasonable practical alternative to a functional two-parent family. So, they tend to be somewhat less invested in their post-divorce identity as a mother or in keeping primary custody of their children.

Being a parent is hard, thankless, and in the short term, largely unrewarding work. Yes, it's delightful when a child, unprompted, gives you a hug or says something sweet, but the job never ends and the responsibility is always there hanging over the parent's head. So, it should come as no surprise when a woman who is shallow and self-serving rapidly discovers:

1. She now has to do everything that her ex-husband of whom she previously claimed "did nothing" used to do. It's amazing how fast those previously "nothing" tasks of picking up the kids from their various activities and mowing the lawn suddenly become major sacrifices meriting beatification once a woman gets divorced.
2. All the men she thought would be lining up to date her once she was "free" aren't actually interested in her. As it turns out, most minor flirtations are not indicative of a man's willingness to subject himself to a legal raping courtesy of a woman who has already demonstrated her willingness to call in the judicial rapists.
3. Her children severely limit her opportunity to spend time with those men she meets who actually are interested in her. Somehow, this appears to surprise newly divorced women.
4. The men who are interested in her have no interest in the package deal and show no indications ever offering her any assistance with her increased burden of responsibilities.
5. The whole custody thing suddenly looks a lot less desirable post-divorce.

Now, even divorcing woman who understand this will still be inclined to claim custody because the children are her primary means of extracting income from her ex-husband and because it is socially expected of her. Even if she knows perfectly well that she intends to pawn them off on everyone around her as much as possible, she won't want to be criticized for being "a bad mother" even if she has the maternal instincts of a cuckoo. But once she has custody and the income transfer is established, her priorities reverse as her children now become a liability to her rather than a valuable asset. Furthermore, her desire to lash out and harm her ex-husband by denying him his children is gradually overcome by her desire to throw herself fully into her new single life, so she becomes more and more dependent upon his ability to permit her to live it by taking care of the kids.

It is very important to understand this process for fathers who are in the process of facing a divorce. They must always keep in mind there is a very good chance that regardless of the legal posture her lawyers are telling her to take at the moment, she is eventually going to want to relinquish custody to him if he plays his cards right. So, if you want your kids, the correct play is not to strike a grand paternal pose and fight to the bitter and losing end in the courts, but rather, to accede to all of her custody demands while constantly encouraging her to go out and let her freak flag fly. This may be hard, especially because it will likely involve exposing your children to the parade of losers who are willing to pump-and-dump a thirty-something or forty-something divorcee in the short term, but it is a father's best shot of eventually gaining full custody. And, if you've played your hand correctly, they'll always be with you when she's spending a special evening with Donny from work or LaDarrell from the gym anyhow.

The key is to be patient and arrange with your family and friends to always be available to watch the children at a moment's notice. And since women's moods fluctuate constantly, always have a prepared document on hand for her to sign custody over to you. It's a long game, but it only takes one moment of exhaustion, depression, and weakness, and you'll have your kids back. Even then, be as conciliatory and let her come see them as much as she wants, as Ghost knows, she'll probably drift away anyhow since out of sight is generally out of the female mind.

But to return to the actual question, the correct answer for your children is that while she loves them, she simply doesn't love them as much as she loves herself. This has the benefit of being completely true, it is something that they already recognize or they would not be asking the question, and can serve as a useful springboard for addressing a whole host of other, tangentially-related issues, such as the reason for your marital breakup, the female tendency towards solipsism, the importance of the Golden Rule, and so forth. Addressing the matter openly and honestly will also tend to have the effect of drawing you closer together, after all, she didn't just cast them aside, she also did the same to you.

However, it's also important to resist any urge to poison them against her. Let her do that to herself; as you've probably already discovered, she'll do a far more effective job of that than you ever could. When asked about her, keep your answers truthful, unemotional, and positive to the extent that is possible. Most children of divorce eventually figure out who is the responsible party, regardless of the extent of the parental propaganda to which they are subjected.