I am changing. I am changing enough that others are commenting on it. It has been happening for over a year now, and the comments are more frequent. But to a degree that change has been an act. I have been aping the behaviors that will get what I want, but never quite feeling comfortable acting that way. A few nights ago that changed. The paradigm shift that comes from studying game was, at least temporarily, internalized.
The change is partially a change in perspective. Thanks to game I realized that I have always had a mindset that pedestalizes women. Over the past year that pedestal has slowly crumbled. Game revealed the pedestal, observation damaged its integrity:
-I have my first kiss. I would have been thrilled if it had gone for ten seconds. I was prepared to hold back due to respect for her. She turns it into a twenty minute make out and nearly gives me a lap dance. My presumption of inherent female purity is damaged.
-The girl with whom I have my first kiss, has a twinge of "conscience" (I suspect she was turned off by my BETA tendencies more than anything), and turns to a friend who helps her get back on the straight and narrow. I see her a few months later with a guy who I learn is as distant from her church as I am. The power of the hamster is revealed.
-My brother's ex breaks into our apartment and causes hundreds of dollars worth of damage. When confronted she tries to pass responsibility to him. We find out that the tantrum was due to her witnessing him flirt with another girl at a bar. She ends that night in the ER with concussion and stitches after she tries to chase him while he drives away in a friend's truck, face planting in the process. My first face to face encounter with a genuinely bat-shit insane woman.
-A friend's marriage begins to unravel. He is a devoted husband and father, a genuinely caring person, and former military. None of this changes things. His wife gives him the "I love you, but I am not in love with you speech." They separate. I realize that I am watching one of the scenarios in Married Man Sex Life, and that my friend needs ALPHA traits. I insist that he read Married Man Sex Life. As of right now they are back together, the relationship is on shaky ground but I am hopeful.
-I observe the depth of contempt that a woman can hold for a BETA: My sister openly mocks an old boy-friend who suffers from depression (though not to his face).
-While some of my brother's friends are visiting, one walks in after a smoke break stating: "I found a straggler. " He has a cute girl in tow. It rapidly becomes clear that she knows no one. She is a complete stranger. I head to bed and as I fall asleep it occurs to me that any one of the guys could overpower her and take advantage of her. I am not particularly concerned as I know these guys. But she does not. She willingly walked into a possibly dangerous situation without a second thought.
Before all this I was a very nice guy: patient, considerate, and kind. I held women up as pure creatures who were by nature better than men, and I treated them as such. I was even convinced that the way I was acting was the way to win a woman's love. Needless to say acting like an asshole was never even a consideration. Since reading Roissy I have endeavored to against that nature, but could only act the part. Last week things shifted.
It started with a conversation with my little sister. She is seventeen and recently began dating. Due to my parents general cluelessness I have felt the need to explain how men think and what they are after. She has accepted this and thankfully seems determined to wait. Even so her head is currently up in the clouds about her first boyfriend. This is due in no small part to his status as a player at the local high school. After hearing her description of his behavior I explained that it was unlikely that the relationship would last long. She got somewhat upset at this and I watched as the hamster spun so she could tell herself that the relationship was more than just a high school crush. She then asked what she could do to be more adult so he would take her more seriously. At this point I ceased to care about the conversation. She wanted to act like an adult and I had told her how. Nothing else I could have said would have changed her feelings about this guy. Despite how much I care about her, I do not care about her relationship. What I felt at that point could be described as benign contempt. I disengaged from her little world and went back to my own thoughts.
A few days later my brother had guests at our apartment. Two girls, one blonde, one brunette, and two of my brothers friends came over for several rounds of beer pong. I quickly exited, but not before discussing the brunettes hair color. It was dyed and I asked her the original color. When she said blonde, I said: "Oh, that explains alot." Her jaw dropped, and I left before she could say anything else.
I went to another party that my aunt was throwing. She is a lesbian but frequently has her straight single female friends over. Unfortunately none of the straight friends, male or female, were there. Not to be rude, I stayed for a few hours. Usually under these circumstances I have been able to ignore the situation and at least tolerate the company. The easiest way to do this has been to be quiet and let my mind wander until someone brings me into the conversation. Once they find that I am not very enthusiastic about the conversation they generally leave me alone. This did not work so well that night. I found myself utterly bored. I cared nothing about the conversation, and little for the company. Lesbians have all the obnoxious female qualities, and almost none of the endearing ones. That sense of contempt returned. I eventually made my excuses and left.
I returned to my apartment. Everyone had left for a smoke break. The first person to come back was the brunette who I had insulted. Her first words when she saw me were: "I hate you." I just grinned and said: "Good." After everyone had come in, one of the friends offered me ten dollars to do a shot with him. I rarely drink and was reluctant, but eventually gave in.
From the shot on I was a very different person. I think that it was a combination of factors. First, I had injured my back earlier and I was in pain. Second, I had more alcohol in me than ever before. But third and most importantly I was in a bad mood after the lesbian party. I had no "nice" left in me.
It started when I began to do card tricks for the girls. Most tricks require a surface with some give like a carpet. We do not have carpet so I went with the nearest soft surface available: the brunette's thigh. The best trick was a vanish that involves rubbing the card one whatever surface you are using, multiple times. Any self-consciousness that could mar the kino was gone and I was very pleased that I had found a way to escalate touch VERY quickly.
After the initial round of tricks I got into a discussion with one of the guys, which the blonde felt necessary to interrupt. I quickly became annoyed and put my hand her face and said: "Shhh." I did it several times, as she did not get the hint the first time. She got miffed and walked away. Later it happened again. This time I lost patience and said: "Shut. Up." She got visibly angry at this. According to her, no one had ever told her to shut up before. She commenced trying to get me to apologize. I refused and turned it into a game where she was coaching me on how to say sorry, but no matter how hard she tried, a different word came out every time.
"Because I am an asshole."
"Say it with me: Sor . . . ry" She said.
"Sssssss . . . asquatch." I said.
Admittedly my BETA nature was kicking in at this point and I began to evade a bit. Then one of the guys told me that it was a losing battle, and that I should apologize to end it. This woke me up. I solidified my resolve and never apologized. She could not get over this and kept trying to shame me into apologizing. It eventually evolved into plaintively questions about why I did not like her. After she had asked this several times I told her to come over to me and get closer. "Let me show you how you can get me to like you." I then put my hand over her mouth and said: "Be quiet."
I took liberties that night. I slapped asses, whispered in ears, kissed faces (no lips), negged, teased and generally acted like a jerk. I was amusing when the brunette (Miss "I Hate You") gave me a drunken hug before she left and said: "I like you."
Now, I know that not all of my behavior that night was ALPHA, and it lacked any degree of subtlety. But more importantly, none of it was an act. My perspective had shifted. Both girls were looking for my approval by the end of the night, and all I could feel was contempt. Despite my physical attraction (the blonde was an 8, the brunette was a 7), I felt nothing for them. Their behavior was, in turns, childish and slutty. I was raised in a community where propriety was valued, and neither of them displayed it to any degree.
There are women out there who are valuable, I know a few from my church. These church girls' value is, however, guarded by a rigid set of rules, both spoken and unspoken. These rules are laid down by fathers, family, and church. I used to think the rules were only to protect the girls from the immorality of the men, but they primarily exist to protect women from their own nature. Women are not better than men. They are not perfect, pure, or naturally chaste. The pedestal has crumbled: women are merely human.