Thursday, April 21, 2011

Review: The Married Man Sex Life Primer

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011by Athol Kay
CreateSpace (344 pages, $14.99/9.99 ebook, April 2011)

The Married Man Sex Life Primer is, without a doubt, one of the more eye-opening and alarmingly informative books one is ever likely to read. Athol Kay is one of the foremost theoreticians of practical Game, with a particular focus on its application to married life. His background as a male nurse is significant, not only in relation to his highly developed ability to communicate with women, but in his frighteningly clinical ability to write more freely about bodily fluids and body parts than anyone since Galen or possibly the Marquis de Sade.

And if ever a book should come with a warning label, it is this one. Kay has arguably been remiss in not attaching a large sticker shrieking TMI in bright red letters. I, for one, am not entirely certain I could bear to face either Kay or his superlatively obliging wife, Jennifer, should I ever encounter either of them. On the other hand, it is eminently clear that the man is clearly doing something very right indeed.

The most significant aspect of Married Man Sex Life is the way it focuses on what married men can actually do to improve their marital sex lives as opposed to waiting for things that their wives should - but probably will not - do. Kay's thinking is based on the combination of a basic logical conclusion, (the only actions that will reliably be performed are those which can be performed by the change-seeking actor) with an important observation, (women like to follow their husband's lead).

Kay views things through the conventional Game perspective of Sex Rank, in which individuals are rated from one to ten with regards to their sexual appeal to the opposite sex. Given the observed human behavior which indicates that both men and women regularly desire sex with those of a higher sex rank, Kay concludes that the primary non-medical reason for a lack of sex within a marriage is a relative decline in sex rank on the part of the husband. His solution is both logical and straightforward. To improve your sex life, improve your sex rank. Much of the book is dedicated to various practical, tactical measures of doing precisely that. Kay doesn't merely tell the reader he will have to become a better, more desirable man, he provides him with some detailed instructions for doing so.

Kay freely confesses that he is neither a pick-up artist nor an ALPHA with a encyclopedic history of sexual conquests, he is by nature a BETA. But counterintuitively, it is precisely this that makes his book so valuable, first because his ALPHA behaviors are learned and therefore articulated, second because he has a much more sophisticated and nuanced approach to dealing with sexual disappointment and/or rejection than the ALPHA's instinctive resort of moving immediately on to another woman.

The Married Man Sex Life Primer is realistic. It doesn't promise miracles and it is forthright about the possibility that even a man who follows Kay's advice and improves his Sex Rank will still not be able to interest his wife in improving their marriage. He can be brutally explicit about the possible consequences of a man's long-term failure to improve himself and is not gentle to either sex with regards to their common failure to meet the opposite sex's marital needs.

Text Sample: Men who are highly attractive have firsthand knowledge that women are definitely not the moral angels that they may like to present themselves as. The good girl image is nothing more than the social equivalent of the biological concealed ovulation strategy which was covered in the Body Agenda chapter. Women very much like sex with men they find attractive and can be exceptionally devious and insistent on getting it.

It is extremely politically incorrect to say so, but all women have a component of slut in their makeup. The trick is not to fear it, seek to sanction it, or flee it, but to adapt to the presence of the slut in your woman and harness it for your mutual enjoyment. But if you don’t pay her active attention to account for her slut influence, you might find that it gets up to all sorts of mischief.

The Married Man Sex Life Primer isn't merely for those who languish in miserable marriages, or even for men who are already married. As Kay states with regards to the purpose of his book, it is for both men and women who wish to improve what is, after all, the core bedrock of every marriage. I highly recommend it, albeit with the requisite warning that it is sufficiently explicit to make Japanese tentacle porn look conservative.


black said...

Go Athol! I've sincerely appreciated your work as well.

My wife doesn't know it yet, but she appreciate it too. :-)

Joseph Dantes said...

"Athol Kay is one of the foremost theoreticians of Game"


Certainly not by popular acclaim, and I've seen no evidence that he's invented anything original, either.

As far as I can tell, he just dumbs down and expands for the married middle market.

Can you name a single concept that's uniquely his?

Athol Kay: Married Man Sex Life said...

Thanks for the review Vox, very much appreciated.

My mother-in-law brought a copy and we'll be having lunch with her and FIL on Easter Sunday. I'm dreading the worse-than-tentacle-porn withering look she'll no doubt give me!

Also as an aside - Amazon discounted the book yesterday to $14.39 and there's Kindle and PDF versions for $9.99.

Grim said...

"Can you name a single concept that's uniquely his?"

Athol is the first I've read from that recommended mixing the beta and alpha together to get long term relationships to work properly. The one thing I saw with everyone else in the game community was the inability to keep a LTR for all that long.

Athol Kay: Married Man Sex Life said...

Joseph - actually I agree with what you said to a large extent. I've invented very little that is new. I'm explicitly clear that I've pulled together a huge variety of sources in the Acknowledgments page of the book. There's a very wide scope here.

The stuff that I have added new thought to have been the linking of Alpha Traits to the dopamine response, and Beta Traits to the oxytocin response. I don't believe anyone else was writing about the importance of balancing the Alpha and Beta traits in marriage before I started the blog either.

On the Alpha/Beta issue I stand in marked contrast to the majority of Game writers before me.

I'm unsure on this point, but I may have been the first to advise wifely menstrual cycle tracking and adjustment of approach to interaction as well.

But otherwise you are quite correct that my approach has been to cherry pick the very best information out there and make it accessible and understandable to the average husband.

Anonymous said...

Ooohh, gamma-man lashes out at someone other than him getting the recognition that he feels he so truly deserves! lmfao

The Dancing Burger King Gamma said...

With an endorsement like that, I'm buying it right now!

Euthyphro said...

A recommendation from Vox that includes reference to Galen and the Marquis de Sade must be good, as we can faithfully expect that he has read them both. What better comparison from the internet's foremost cruelty artist.

Cheers for Athol his is a great read.

Anonymous said...

Where do I buy the PDF version? Linux doesn't like Kindle.

Athol Kay: Married Man Sex Life said...

PDF link is top left sidebar on

or jump straight to


Joseph Dantes said...

Grim, here's Roissy in 2009 expressing the same concept:

"In the beginning stages, your game portfolio is heavy on attraction and excitement stocks. Later, it diversifies into comfort and security holdings."

Athol started blogging in 2010.

Roissy wasn't the first to say this, either.

You can whine all you want, Anon, but it won't put your gurus at the cutting edge.

Vox said...

Can you name a single concept that's uniquely his?

Yes, a vitally important one. The idea of improving your marriage through improving your Sex Rank rather than any conventional Game technique. To say nothing of the various tactical concepts.

Furthermore, actually writing and publishing a book rather than rambling on a blog confers upon Kay a legitimacy that many bloggers will never know, for the obvious reason that more people read books than blogs.

Now, you're getting off-topic, as this is not relevant to the subject of the book, which you haven't even read.

Anonymous said...

Holy fuck Joseph Dantes is annoying.

Joseph Dantes said...

The idea of becoming more attractive to improve your results with women is not new, nor are detailed discussions of secretions and sex techniques, and all are available in book form.

My intention is not to be pedantic. I'm always on the lookout for new great Game theoreticians. After reading your answer, I'm not convinced Athol's one of them, but I may skim the book at some point.

I definitely agree that it's a good recommendation for this blog's audience, however.

Anonymous said...

He's just a gamma pretending to be an alpha. Hence, yes, an annoying snowflake.

Athol's book is a practical guide to actually achieving successful alpha+beta balance within a marriage or other long-term relationship, as opposed to just trying to plaster over deep-rooted gamma/omega insecurities with a thin veneer of condescending asshole mixed with esoteric mysticism. That is to say, it is aimed at helping people learn the 'trade' rather than just the 'tricks'.

Vox said...

Also as an aside - Amazon discounted the book yesterday to $14.39 and there's Kindle and PDF versions for $9.99.

Thanks for the correction. Duly noted.

In the interest of precision, I have also changed my description of Mr. Kay to "one of the foremost theoreticians of practical Game". As for public recognition of that status, well, that is precisely what I am providing. And that's enough said on the subject.

Timothy Webster said...

Athol Kay, what do you think of DavidX style game for courtship? I bought your book on lulu, and read the last couple chapters on choosing a wife. Solid advice.

Anon Husband said...

Joseph Dantes --

You challenged Vox's notion that Athol Kay is "one of the foremost theoreticians of Game." Upthread, Kay wrote in to agree with you.

You can take Yes for an answer, if you want.

As a married man who's committed to monogamy (I have kids, so this matters a lot), I've read Roissy et al. for some time. The standard Game perspectives are very interesting. But not particularly helpful, given where I am in life, and what I am looking to improve.

In contrast, Kay's blog MMSL has been very topical, and I can try putting his insights to work in my own marriage.

The buzz around MMSL and now the book tells you something about what some people are looking for.

YMMV isn't a disqualifier, just a fact of life.

Joseph Dantes said...

Oh right, thanks, I didn't see that.

Actually I quite like his answer, sounds like there's something new there after all.

Like I said, it's a great resource for this audience.

Now I'm much more inclined to read it.

The LP 999/Linda said...

Congrats! Awesome!

About rank...Much of the book is dedicated to various practical, tactical measures of doing precisely that. Kay doesn't merely tell the reader he will have to become a better, more desirable man, he provides him with some detailed instructions for doing so...

Are there any examples for this without giving the book away?

Duke of Earl said...

I'm reading it, and enjoying it.

rycamor said...

Athol, been enjoying your blog for a few weeks now. Inspirational stuff. Even when they think they've got it good, it is easy for a married couple to gradually take each other for granted.

Among other things, I credit you for the final kick in the gut to cut the carbs and get back on the free weights every arvo. Wifie approves... book on its way.

Anonymous said...

Congrats, Athol on your feature article in the DailyMail.

Chip said...

"Can you name a single concept that's uniquely his?"

I don't really care. He has done the research, put his own twist on the concepts, and produced a well-written book. I already know that we will be having more sex because of the things I learned. And that is all that matters.

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This book is absolutely amazing and hads changed my marriage overnight. I am the wife btw, and went from laid like tile :) We are smiling like idiots from the awesome week we've had. My husband now GETS it, and because of that...he's now getting it and so am I. 13 years of marriage and 5 kids later...I just can't say enough.

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