I read a quote on another site “People who don’t respect you won’t change how they perceive you once you better yourself, they’ll see the old you and a new imposter.” The wife always brings up old stuff in every argument we have despite my significant strides to de-gamma.People who are threatened by a man's self-improvement will always attempt to undermine and belittle it. It doesn't matter if you lose 30 pounds; they'll harp on the 10 more than you could still stand to lose. It doesn't matter if you earn $30k more, they'll complain that it isn't $50k. If you get promoted to Assistant Vice President they'll wonder why you're not good enough to be Vice President.
We have three kids so I want to believe that her running her mouth, i’m unhaaaappppy, I want a divorce, etc can be turned around as I continue to improve in all areas and reduce # of failed shit-tests, but the idea that she will never come around seems to be increasingly likely.
QUESTION: How can I tell if she really hates my guts or if this is just her inherently miserable nature and her privileged upbringing having made her a defiant brat (child of the 1%)? She yells about a divorce/tells me to move out after every disagreement or heated discussion (lot of BLM crap recently, she's a fucking SJW nutcase and obsessively hates Trump, dont' ask me how I got into this) I thought she would outgrow this crap post-kids but she still has a lot of concern for the poor and brown and during arguments routinely mocks my status as a poor angry white man (she's white too, I dont know WTF).
I recently starting taking my kids to church and she came once - luckily she missed the sermon where the pastor referred to women's 20% less upper body strength - but in the one she heard he made fun of liberals and spoke negatively about gay marriage which pissed her off. despite her never attending church since she was 12 or something she has requested I find a more liberal church that we can go to as a family which I've blown off so far. I take my 2 sons but I think she is going to try to make a fight when the youngest is old enough to go (youngest is a girl).
She clearly could go file any day and take me to cleaners, so I discount the bluster but perhaps I am just naive and will get slammed with it soon. But in terms of fitness, career/$$$, game/dread/etc I have upped the ante across the board and I’m still getting pushback. There’s no way a 5 should be this demanding. Staying for the kiddos but sometimes feel I am negotiating with a terrorist that has already decided to take me out regardless of my cooperation.
The one big plus on my side is that we still have sex all the time and she continues to do things that I've heard most marrieds stop after awhile. Maybe this gusto comes from some sort of devotion? It's the one big difference I see between my situation and those I read about who are post-divorce. So how fucked am I and anything I can do differently?
This is the way of the world, and in particular, women. Complaining and pointing out flaws is how they maintain what they weirdly see as the upper hand.
My first advice is for this guy to never talk politics or current events with this woman. My second advice is for him to refuse her demand to go to a more liberal church. My third advice is for him to tell her that the next time she threatens divorce, he will take her at face value and separate from her. Don't be a drama queen about it, don't indulge her appetite for theatrics, just make it clear that will be the consequence. Then, when she does it again, (and she probably will, as a test if nothing else), he should tell her he'll be going on a road trip - go to Vegas, go to Thailand, go somewhere you've always wanted to go, it doesn't matter - at the end of which time he will return and find out if she still wants to remain married or not. If she wants to file for divorce, then she can go ahead and do it. But no more threats. Either file or shut the hell up.
However, he should not issue the warning if he is unable or unwilling to follow through. Threats, followed by inaction, is the very worst thing that a man can do in this situation. He's already dealing with an inappropriate lack of respect, which may or may not be merited. Failing to follow through would cement her disdain for him and rightly so.
And if she tries to prevent the road trip, probably by presenting some practical objections relating to work, money, or the children, there is only one response: I don't give a fuck. I warned you. Now deal with it. Then go and have a good time. Remind yourself that there is a whole world outside of your insane little box, that you are a free man, and you are not a prisoner.
If the wife is an emotional terrorist, stop negotiating with her. And don't let her use "the kiddos" as hostage either. (Note: "kiddos" is a gamma tell here.) It's actually worse for his sons to see him continue to constantly kowtow to her than for them to see him refuse to take her bullshit anymore and walk out; they know very well what she is like and they will lose respect for him too if he continues to be submissive to her.
The reason most women maintain the whip hand in a marriage is because most men are afraid to walk out on them and they know it. And the man who lives in fear of his wife is a man no woman can respect. Don't worry about the house, the bank account, or even the children. If your marital relationship is disordered, all of those things will be screwed up anyhow. I'm not counseling that he file for divorce; I don't believe in it. But the wife affects to believe it is an option, so call her on it.
UPDATE: a reader suggests the emailer might benefit from this man's experience in resetting his marriage.