Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Idealize, don't pedestalize

It's important to understand the difference:

The trick isn't to simply see your partner more positively and/or ignore their faults, it's to see them as ideal for you, warts and all.

The more you see them as your perfect partner, the happier you are and the happier your partner is. Emotions are contagious and your mood is highly influenced by the person you spend most time with.

Focus on negatives and you'll become even more annoyed by them. Thoughts become stronger the more you dwell on them. The more positive your thoughts, the more positive you feel.

Idealising encourages you to think 'we' not 'I'. This means you'll see problems as something shared (rather than caused by one of you) and stop blaming.

Being positive isn't helping? Look hard at your relationship. Is your partner relentlessly negative, hostile, abusive and/or unlikely to change? If the answer is yes, get help and get out.
Pedestalizing a woman will kill your relationship. So will constantly criticizing her. The trick is to idealize them without viewing yourself as unworthy of them.

IMPORTANT: This is within the context of a permanent marital relationship, not a casual or short-termed youthful one.


Crowhill said...

That's an interesting distinction. How do you reconcile "idealizing" your wife with realizing that she really should change in some areas?

Iowahine said...

Crowhill: Accept that you can't change anyone but yourself, and in changing yourself, sometimes you influence others, as well.

The more I have banged my head against my frustrations with my husband, the more I have realized God gave me the mate I need to change me. Consequently, I increasingly appreciate my husband, and thank God whenever my head hits the wall.

Durandel Almiras said...

I'm starting to think that most people treat relationships like goods, especially consumables or toys/entertainment. For many, the rejection of reality and that life is not perfect ruins it for so many because they aren't mature enough to handle the truth.

My wife is a good woman. She isn't perfect, but she'll do and I quite like her, warts and all.

Matamoros said...

@Crowhill said... "That's an interesting distinction. How do you reconcile "idealizing" your wife with realizing that she really should change in some areas?"

Think of a dog. Great dog, perfect for you, but you continue training the dog to be even better. Women require a firm hand, and constant reinforcement to attain and retain proper behavior and attitudes.

Sokrates said...

Yes right, you don’t help anybody by pedestalizing women. The more intelligent women know about this, the foolish “princesses” don’t.


Verne said...

My church's men's group. Often those guys go off the deep end. One time a bunch of them were talking about their wives having married down to them. They were lucky, the little woman was better than them. I couldnt take it anymore. "No I think my wife married the perfect man for her. She could not have done better, God put us together, I'm not going to claim that God did not know what he was doing, or that he hates my wife"

Yes that is sloppy pop theology, but I made my point.

haus frau said...

Good response. I wonder what they would have said if it was explained to them that the more they exude that groveling attitude toward their "better half", the more their wives might come to believe it. No woman really wants to be married to a man who's beneath her. They think they are elevating her but they are really taring her down. I would be embarrassed if my husband did that publicly and exasperated if he said such things in private. Luckily for me he regularly reminds me how handsome and witty he is.

Tom K. said...

When I was married to my ex, it never occurred to me that she wouldn't like all that over-comolimenting I did because society had told me over and over that THAR was what she and all women wanted and needed. Until I took the Red Pill I NEVER looked at such things from HER point if view. Or even MINE! I would have hated it if she said such things and sincerely meant them!

I NEvER told my ex that I was great and the best she could ever hope to get. I should have. It works!

Just listen to Trump! He's always telling people how good they have it because of him. At first it sounds arrogant, but after a while it just sounds like the sincere truth!!

Tom K. said...

Is that an wxample of the Big Lie?

Or does the Law of Repetition simply apply to everything and not just Lies?

The later.

Speak the truth to yourself over and over. All the time. Murmur it to yourself.

MATT said...

I do not love thee
With mine eyes
For they in thee
A thousand errors see

Verne said...

haus frau

What you said reminds me of two guys I known, they both talk much like your man. It comes off as funny, everyone likes it. The thing is both men have wives who obviously adore them. I really think that belittling yourself is an insult to your spouse. You suck and that is the best they could do. An insult dressed up as fake humility.

haus frau said...

Exactly Verne. It's an insult that's dressed up in such a way that wifey isn't sure whether she's supposed to feel good about how great she or sorry about how pathetic he is. It's manipulative and yet ingratiating and grating all around. Either way he's telling her she settled. Personally, I like knowing my husband can get other women. That means I'm pretty damn hot to him, at least, because he chose to be with me. A friendly dose of narcissism is quite endearing and makes for fun flirting even when you've been married a long time.

haus frau said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shimshon said...

Crownhill and Iowahine,

In discovering Game and the Red Pill, I worked on myself, and by doing so (metaphorically) dragged my wife (kicking and screaming) to a much happier place.

I did so not by arguing with or debating her. Those are fruitless endeavors, as you are then in her frame. I made clear my expectations and what the consequences were for not meeting them (I was fully prepared to next her at this point, but was willing to see what Game could accomplish when I embraced it). At the same time, I got over my anger and bitterness and learned to accept her for who she is. She has many good qualities and I indeed focus on those.

That was five years ago. Our marriage was literally dead. Now, it's better than ever. My kids have also dramatically improved. Simply by setting the example.

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