Katrina Alcorn, author of the bestselling Maxed out: American Moms on the brink, says women who delayed having kids ‘‘to try to get a foothold in their careers or to get some financial stability’’ are being pushed beyond their limits as they struggle with work-life balance and the additional burdens that mid-life brings.It's pretty straightforward. Women should ideally marry around 22 or 23 and start having children by 25. The longer they wait, the harder it gets in every way. And for men, they should try to get married by 27 and start having children by age 30, although they may have a little more flexibility so long as they marry a younger woman. And by younger, I mean 10 years younger, not two. 36 and 26 works much better than 36 and 34 in the parental regard.
‘‘They find themselves in their 40s, sandwiched between raising young kids and trying to take care of aging parents while also trying to support their families financially,’’ she explains to Quartz.‘‘It’s too much.’’
One Washington, DC-area working mom in her 40s (who asked not to be named) tells Quartz: ‘‘I feel like I am a parent to four small children not two, and I’m not sure cloning myself would even be enough.” She’s also caring for her sick mom and dad (who live in another state) and juggling an array of end-of-year parties, concerts and “graduations” for her preschoolers. At the same time, she is holding down a full-time job, like her husband, except hers demands regular travel.
The men in these high-powered couples are wilting under the pressure too. Alpha dads have to navigate what Dutch Economist Lans Bovenberg calls ‘‘the rush-hour of life,’’ typically in one’s late 30s or early 40s, when child-raising and professional responsibilities peak. Unfortunately, economic and social structures that have traditionally supported parents are disappearing.
One review of the academic literature shows ‘‘common sources of support for older parents like family, friends, neighbors and community,’’ have been found to exist ‘‘minimally, if at all.’’
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
The price of delayed parenthood
Even for those who gambled in the fertility roulette and won, the costs of spending that additional ten years riding the carousel, building the career, and finding oneself are much higher than anticipated:
30 comments:
"The fathers have sinned, and the children are smitten."
People seem to forget they are placing these burdens on their children as well. Even if her children do the right thing and marry early they will still face the same consequences, elderly parents . I guess by then euthanasia will be common place.
No pity, here. I'm 50 with 5 kids and about to adopt two toddlers. The problem is found right in the text: graduations for preschoolers? Beyond absurd. Simplify, simplify, simplify. Most of the "rush hour" life is self-imposed: sports, dance, music, etc. Get rid of it all.
Further angry screams from the "sow your wild oats and get an education in yours 20s!" crowd to be expected...
"People seem to forget they are placing these burdens on their children as well. Even if her children do the right thing and marry early they will still face the same consequences, elderly parents . I guess by then euthanasia will be common place. "
The older parents will croak before their children reproduce. So, no grandchildren for you... but you won't be a burden on your children...
"...juggling an array of end-of-year parties, concerts and “graduations” for her preschoolers."
I see your problem. You are a whiner. Most of these things require no where near as much energy as she seems to think. Plus they are entirely elective and can be deleted instantly with no harm being done if there are other priorities. The fact is that she is choosing to crowd her life so she has things to complain about and cast herself as a martyr instead of "just another normal woman".
an array of end-of-year parties, concerts and “graduations” for her preschoolers
So much of this is self-inflicted. There's no reason to hold a "graduation party" for little kids. And yet, I see it all the time. Every outing or milestone is a major event to be celebrated as if it were a holiday. American parents spoil their kids.
When will these women realize that they can have a career anytime, but the window for bearing and raising children is narrow? If you have 2 or 3 kids before you turn 30, you can still go back to work after they're grown. I would much rather hire someone who is done raising their kids over a mom who will be absent from work due to maternity leave, sick kids, and leaving work early for their kids' activities, not to mention my time wasted scrambling to maintain a household through the phone while they are supposed to be working. You cannot serve two masters. Pick one, family or job. If you decide to be the woman who wants to "have it all" you'll suck at both.
The only people I feel sorry for in this story are the (typical) unnamed men who are suffering marriage with these self-absorbed super-women.
It's pretty straightforward. Women should ideally marry around 22 or 23 and start having children by 25.
Rephrase that to "women should ideally marry by 22 or 23" and I'm in. Otherwise, it's still too old.
And for men, they should try to get married by 27 and start having children by age 30, although they may have a little more flexibility so long as they marry a younger woman. And by younger, I mean 10 years younger, not two. 36 and 26 works much better than 36 and 34 in the parental regard.
Last year, my wife and I were 26 and 36 respectively. I can attest to the truth of this statement. We had our first child when I was 31. Frankly, I wish we'd started just a little bit sooner. But I'm glad I let her talk me in to starting when we did.
genericviews: I see your problem. You are a whiner. Most of these things require no where near as much energy as she seems to think. Plus they are entirely elective and can be deleted instantly with no harm being done if there are other priorities. The fact is that she is choosing to crowd her life so she has things to complain about and cast herself as a martyr instead of "just another normal woman".
Indeed, and she's "also caring for her sick mom and dad (who live in another state)" Wow. That sounds like hard work. Who knew you could change adult diapers from such a distance.
We live in an age of enforced elongated childhood. In the 1800's children became adults shortly after puberty, now it is 18-21 legally. Girls at age 17-18 are certainly old enough to be wives and mothers, and boys the same age husbands and fathers.
The liberals development of "teenagers" was the first step in pushing women into later marriages that have kept extending until now they are in their 30s and unmarried. Nature declares at puberty that the female, and male, are able and read to reproduce; and science shows that having a first child by at least 18 is best for the woman's health.
Most of these things require no where near as much energy as she seems to think.
Throwing a party for 6 year olds is the easiest thing in the world. Cake, juice, rent a bouncy house if you want... But it's a long-standing tradition for women to make mountains out of this sort of mole-hill. Not to detract form Vox's point, but really if the woman in the story wasn't working, she'd still be complaining about her various burdens. She would, however, probably be happier.
Even for women who want a career, why go to college and get a career started first, then interrupt everything to have kids and restart everything a few years later? In addition to the biological advantages of having kids young, think about how much better college and career would be if you could start college around 30. How much better would your decisions about majors be? How much faster could you get your career off the ground if you could start with an extra 12 years of experience with people? Especially if you were focused on your job instead of on looking for a husband...
"One review of the academic literature shows ‘‘common sources of support for older parents like family, friends, neighbors and community,’’ have been found to exist ‘‘minimally, if at all.’’"
This is true as I have found. Support doesn't exist because few women are stay at home moms and many move far away from family. Many have fewer kids. There is no community. Women's decisions to delay or not have kids impact everyone especially men who have no where to turn for traditional families.
The reality is that modern motherhood is easy, given the conveniences of electric appliances, daycares, paid maternity leave, grocery stores and farmers markets, minivans, Netflix, etc etc. Like others have said, all of the pressure and hardship they feel is in their heads. Everything has to be mommy blogger worthy in their eyes, and if it isn't, naturally it's society's fault for putting pressure on them. Not their Keeping Up with the Jones's mentality.
While I waited far too long to have babies (thankfully not long enough to have elderly parents - good Lord), it's no lie my body would have been better suited for it 10 years ago. 22 recovers a lot quicker than 32. Not just that, but having kids at a younger age would mean available funds for all of the silly things modern mothers subject their families to wouldn't exist: no extravagant one year old parties, over the top Disney vacations, yearly expensive family photo shoots, multiple extracurricular activities, and the like. Older parents usually means more money to blow. We gave our one year old a cupcake on his birthday, took a bunch of pictures, and called it good. That was a shock to my friends who planned elaborate, themed parties, replete with personalized goody bags. As if I didn't love my kid enough, in their opinion. Hopefully this mentality will die out in the next decade or so. There already seems to be a quiet movement - an article here, blog post there - about the advantages of young motherhood, and not just on this site. Maybe it'll coincide with the college bubble inevitably bursting?
What AJ said. It won't last. I'm short bouncy castles.
It's odd to me that even in the area where I live (which is heavily Mormon), people still seem surprised when they find out my age and the age of my children (I'm 37, they are 12,11,8 and 6). I tell you what, more and more my knees and back are grateful I started making babies when I did. I can't imagine having a newborn now, let alone my first newborn, let alone my first-of-several newborn.
On a related note, having any kind of birthday party for a 1 or 2-year old that is more elaborate than what AmyJ described is insane.
The reality is that modern motherhood is easy, given the conveniences of electric appliances, daycares, paid maternity leave, grocery stores and farmers markets, minivans, Netflix, etc etc.
I am old enough to remember my grandmother's house, which did not have a dishwasher (we did them by hand), or a washer/dryer (you wash them in the stone tub in the basement, you dry them on the line outside), and a toilet in the back yard. Also, no disposable diapers in those days, you washed the cloth ones. Today it is a BREEZE compared to that.
Throwing a party for 6 year olds is the easiest thing in the world.
Heck yeah. You pay for the venue, send the invites by email, and show up with a cake, pizza, and goody bags.
People who have a high-effort party at their house are punishing themselves for no reason.
@Dexter
I have read accounts of what exactly "stay at home" moms did back in the day. Even ironing clothes was an all day chore that involved burns, blisters, and using an iron made from actual iron - something that weighed quite a bit more than our electric $12 irons nowadays. We are a soft and spoiled generation.
"Throwing a party for 6 year olds is the easiest thing in the world."
Easy if you have the bucks. In one recent party (which I was spared from going), the kids was treated to a Star Wars Jedi and a Frozen Elsa character performers. Plus, each were given free face paintings. They moved outside for the piñata in the shape of a character and smashed for lots of candy. Upon leaving, each given a party favor bag. Much food was not eaten since the kids were too excited and wanted to play. The cake was very nice and large and expensively decorated. Someone must have told them Elsa was there because at least half the girls were dressed up just like her.
Everything has to be mommy blogger worthy in their eyes, and if it isn't, naturally it's society's fault for putting pressure on them. Not their Keeping Up with the Jones's mentality.
Yes, but it's not going to change. This is a status competition among mothers, and your average woman will have a nervous breakdown before you can convince here not to play.
It is just as easy to have a child at 43 as it is at 23, IF......... you have been having children since 23. In fact, it was easier as I got older because I had wonderful helpers in my oldest children. So regardless of whether you are going to have 10 or just 2, get started early.
The only way women will start having children in their younger years is if life gets much more difficult for them.
The only way women will start having children in their younger years is if life gets much more difficult for them.
Dumb beavers
Easy if you have the bucks.
Probably easier if you don't. Bake a cake and turn em lose in the back yard. Yeah, yeah, no characters, goodie bags or plastic crap that gets broken or lost within the week, but kids still have fun.
The thing some smart would-be mommy blogger needs to do is start blogging about "the trend in retro-simple parties" and convince women that the stylish thing to do is low-key parties where the kids just play kid games like tag and tug of war with cakes baked from a Betty Crocker box. And parents swilling Gin & Tonics.
The only way women will start having children in their younger years is if life gets much more difficult for them.
Well then this particular problem should take care of itself in the next ten to fifteen years.
Women are of different sorts. There are the slobs who, when presented with the free time granted them by modern conveniences, will wallow in laziness, tubbing themselves out with snacks while watching TV all day. There are also those who, faced with a lot of conveniences, will strive to fill up their time with a lot of tasks, most of which are unnecessary, but which the women manage to make seem very important. Got a perfectly good vacuum or dishwasher? Fine, but let's go ahead and do some of that work by hand, just because we can. Let's also schedule a bunch of activities for the kids, even though they'd be much better off left to unstructured play. Men can be capable of this kind of nonsense, too, but women make an art of it. Many women are always going to create a lot of busy work for themselves because they have to seem busy in order to compete with other women.
What women at age 25 need to feel if society needs them to start having kids is a sense of competition with other women to have kids. Short that, not enough women are likely to respond.
Another factor that would help is for aging parents to choose not to be burdens on their adult children, but instead be a help. Adult children and parents need to live closer to each other, or even together. Grandparents need to take on roles helping to raise children. Granted, this is a lot easier to do when the grandparents are 50 than when they are 70 or 80, which means everyone having kids at younger ages. But "do whatever I want until I end up in a nursing home and needing care from my own children" is another one of those dysgenic, dyscivic behaviors.
Throwing a party for 6 year olds is the easiest thing in the world. Cake, juice, rent a bouncy house if you want... But it's a long-standing tradition for women to make mountains out of this sort of mole-hill. Not to detract form Vox's point, but really if the woman in the story wasn't working, she'd still be complaining about her various burdens.
The self-absorbed bitchtards who whine about things like this do so out of pure narcissistic selfishness, no matter how simple or complex the effort at hand.
You see, throwing a birthday party for her child is an onerous chore because it's not about HER. The child's birthday takes attention away from Mom and her "needs" ("Sheesh! Wasn't giving birth to it enough? You mean I have to pay attention to it too? Why can't it raise itself, to include giving itself a birthday party?"), so Mom is going to go into passive resistance mode until attention focuses back on her. In this respect, many modern women are no more mature than the offspring for whom they're grudgingly giving birthday parties.
It bears endless repeating: children today are, for the typical SIW, nothing but checkboxes to tick off on a feminist accomplishment list. Trophies, something to put on a shelf to occasionally brag about as status symbols of temporary convenience, but nothing in which to pay serious attention to or invest serious time, effort.
The only way women will start having children in their younger years is if life gets much more difficult for them.
Nah. The whole reason women don't have kids in their 20s now is because they think life is so hard. "You have to finish your education, launch your career, pay for a house, pay off your student loans," blah blah blah. If life were harder, they'd totally give up on kids altogether.
Women are unemployed at higher numbers now than ever before. They may have to consider marriage as a career option.
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