Saturday, June 27, 2015

Alpha Mail: hamstrung by scars

MC is having a tough time recovering from a hard rejection:
I wanted to take you back to your post on April 4th of this year, "Breaking the Scars."  In particular;

"It wasn't pride that kept Chris from hooking up with girls who wouldn't give him the time of day one year before, it was fear that they were going to reject him at some point and thereby invalidate all the positive changes that had taken place in his life."

I going through a period of improvement in my life when I met a beautiful young co-worker.  When I met her I was making 16 dollars and hour and didn't really feel too good about myself.  In the time we worked together, I more than doubled my income and lost 50 pounds (for a total of 102).  We had gotten close and (long story short) she rejected me.  During the initial rejection she surprised me with the fact that she was dating a guy in another state.  I remember texting her the day she was flying out to see him and she only mentioned she was heading to New York.  I still had the conversation and was amused when I saw the conversation.  I was about to ask who she was going to see and she ended the conversation.  I didn't accept her rejection and forced her to make it brutal.  She pretty much said I had no value as a man.  Being Game aware and from talking to mutual friends, I gather she was basically waiting till I had lost a little more weight before I was "Good enough" to be with her.  I also found out the mystery boyfriend was deploying overseas so she would have looked horrible breaking up with him right before he deployed to be with me.

That started a series of some pretty bad experiences.  For example, I joined a few social groups in order to make friends.  I had a lot of trouble with the guys there who seemed to take a pretty hostile towards me.  Again, being Game aware and months after the fact when I see it all on Facebook, I realized I was getting AMOGed by them because they were after the girls that were there. 

The next job I took put me in a new city in a small town where I was considered one of the rich folks.  It took me no effort at all to get that position and I was pretty free with that fact.  I hadn't realized it at the time, but I was rubbing my success in the face of the locals.  Where I worked was basically the only way to make it big in that area.  For example, the last two entry level positions had 400 applicants.  As you might imagine, with me being so nonchalant about getting the job I was pretty quickly ostracized by the locals and spent my weekends alone (my co-workers were typically 20+ years older than me and married).  It probably also didn't help that several married women were DTF, some of whom were pretty clear about that fact in front of their husbands.

That original rejection happened about 2 and 1/2 years ago.  It wasn't until I read your post that I realized I had internalized the idea that all of my improvements had actually made my life worse.  I've gained back 40 pounds of the 102 and can't get to a place intellectually to fight to lose weight or really go to the gym (I also got injured for awhile which didn't help).  Although I'm crushing it professionally, I've gone from feeling like a high Beta to feeling like an Omega.  I now rarely approach no matter how blatant the IOIs are.  I basically spend my time in my apartment alone in one of the richest areas of town playing video games. 

I hate feeling this way and I know it's stupid to have this fear.  I'm successful and my weight-loss has inspired others.  Feeling this way about myself, like she was right and I am a man with no value is stupid.  I was flirting with my version of an 8 a few weeks ago and she was responding pretty well.  So the guy that I was clearly does still exist.  I'm just too riddled with self-doubt and fear to find him again. 

So my question is, what do I do now? 
Move the fuck on. Ignore the fear, take the risks, and if you get shot down, get back up and go out there again. There is NOTHING to fear from getting shot down; getting shot down FASTER should be your goal.

There is nothing wrong with MC except the voice in his head. All he needs to do to live a better life is to ignore it. This sort of thing can happen to anyone, and the answer is to simply view it as a bad bounce, pick yourself up, and MOVE THE FUCK ON.

But the main thing is to IGNORE THE FEAR. Fear is the prison. Fear is the cage. And the worst thing is, it's a cage that you can literally walk out of any time you choose.

31 comments:

Charles M. Schulz said...

Fuck all women. Worthless.

Conscientia Republicae said...

Fear is the mind killer. Ignore it. Start deadlifting!

Cail Corishev said...

I gather she was basically waiting till I had lost a little more weight before I was "Good enough" to be with her. I also found out the mystery boyfriend was deploying overseas so she would have looked horrible breaking up with him right before he deployed to be with me.

I don't know if it'll help, but I sense that he's still doing some rationalizing and white-knighting for her here. Women aren't really logical enough, nor offended enough by some extra weight on a man, to do what he says in the first sentence. They want you or they don't, and if they want you, they'll ignore far worse flaws than a gut. I'd say it's more likely that she was keeping him on the shelf as a backup in case the other guy didn't work out. So she told his friends that he had a chance, which meant she had to give them a reason why she was holding out -- the weight. But he didn't really have a chance unless the other guy bailed out.

On the second sentence, a woman might not want to break up with a guy right as he's deploying or soon after, but it would be rare for that to stop her from starting up with a new guy. Attractive women are rarely without a man; they make sure a new guy is in place before breaking up with the old one. And with old guy deployed, she was free to start spending time with the new guy, and just call it friendship for a while if she feared looking slutty. Again, it looks to me like she just wanted to keep him on the shelf as a backup, or perhaps thought he'd make a good orbiter. If he hadn't forced the issue, she might have kept him on a string through the whole deployment until she had old guy safely back.

He shouldn't be losing sleep over a woman anyway, but maybe those are more reasons: she wasn't being honest with him, and was probably playing him for a sucker. Move on, and learn from it so you don't get suckered again.

Jokah Macpherson said...

Timely post. I did my first ever direct cold approach this week. Not surprisingly, I got rejected, but the girl didn't go out of her way to humiliate me and none of the people around pointed and laughed. It doesn't feel good that a random tall blonde with a nice ass doesn't want to go out with me based on initial impressions but on the other hand nothing has changed for the worse, either. Just gotta move on.

Corvinus said...

Move the fuck on. Ignore the fear, take the risks, and if you get shot down, get back up and go out there again. There is NOTHING to fear from getting shot down; getting shot down FASTER should be your goal.

Annnd... there are always more girls on the girl tree.

If you don't get any other advice from here, at least take these two sentences.

Also, don't take rejections personally. The PUA mantra of thinking of them as one less No before you get to a Yes is, in a way, lazy, but it is relevant if you're trying to keep relaxed, aloof, non-serious, and otherwise rooting out any Gamma behavior that may be creeping into your soul.

Blume said...

I feel like he is lying to us and himself. The hostilities he keeps encountering scream gamma as show to me. And he sounds grossly over weight. I don't think he had a chance at all with any of these girls and they were just doing the girl thing of trying to protect feelings.

Blume said...

Gamma asshole

VD said...

I did my first ever direct cold approach this week.

Good for you. The more you do, the less you will fear rejection. Fail faster.

Aeoli Pera said...

If I understand correctly, this advice is targeted for a Delta who's feeling down and out.

Video games are a great source of calorie-free dopamine (rivaled only by comedy), but the problem with dopamine is it is responsible for behavioral learning and the formation of habits.

Tentatively, I wonder if the way to move on is to force yourself to see the truth of what happened before, express this truth as humor, then reinforce that humorous interpretation until it's the default. That's basically what Fred Reed does.

maniacprovost said...

Nothing erases self-doubt and fear like anger at everything around you. That's one small part of the jerk mystique. Now, it doesn't pay to cultivate your anger, but channel your reaction to the world's iniquity into strength. Got shunned by a social group? F those guys, and F their women in front of them while they watch and cry like little girls. Clownshoes.

LP 999/Eliza said...

Remain objective with fears, the fear isn't needed.

There is nothing to fear from women and their flippant rejections, it does not mean anything, move on to the next woman.

311:

Wake your mind up clear your eyes up
Move and rise up before your times up
Clock is ticking your caught slippin
Stop to realize look and listen

Well I guess that’s life when you see a dark road up the way
And I guess that’s life when you gotta roll through anyway
Now don’t scream don’t fight fear never ever made it go away
Same ghost town as yesterday
Made you feel like love was miles away

Wake your mind up clear your eyes up
Move and rise up before your times up
Clock is ticking you’re caught slippin
Stop to realize look and listen

Now those sleepless nights thoughts just cloud up my brain
Feeling helpless repeating the same old memories of pain and
I wish it would rain, yo
Gimme starlit skies for dreamland
I know it’s really smaller than it seems but when
The pressure gets under my skin
I just wanna get out and scream in the wind yo.

The world were livin’ in is complicated
The streets that we walk on are dark and jaded
A wandering soul that’s filled with hatred
In it is poison the youth is tainted
Social engineering keeps us separated
Media control is highly over rated
Ignorance is bliss to those uneducated
Listen to the message cuz it’s time we faced it

Wake your mind up clear your eyes up
Move and rise up before your times up
Clock is ticking you’re caught slippin
Stop to realize look and listen

I’m controller of my destination
Gotta change my mind to help me break away

One Fat Oz Guy said...

I used to prefer a straight up rejection over a string along that wastes your time. Nothing worse than wasting hours with a girl only to find she's got a guy she's really interested in and she's really just killing time with you.

Peter Pan said...

I could be wrong, but I couldn't help thinking while reading this that this guy already knows the answer to his problem is to simply move on. In other words, he was looking for a quick fix "easy" way out. The thing is, Vox gave him the way most simple, easiest way out.

So stop fixating on the girl in your past. There are literally hundreds out there just like her. If you're game aware like you say you are, start applying those concepts in a practical, real setting. The more numerous and more varied in nature your failures are, the better and tighter your game will become. Keep failing, keep learning a little more from each failure, until you start succeeding. That's it. That's all. No other exits. No excuses. Move on.

LP 999/Eliza said...

At least MC didn't call the police on the woman.

That is half the battle, his lesser companions call the cops on women who walk the other direction.

Retrenched said...

OT: interesting article on the surplus of single men on the market -- i.e., sexually starved young BETAs and OMEGAs.

http://www.unz.com/pfrost/young-male-and-single/

Corvinus said...

@Retrenched

Interesting.

He mentioned that young white women now outmarry more than young men, because of the rising popularity of coalburning. Pew Research has confirmed that coalburning is becoming an increasing problem, which is unsurprising given the rampant groid-worship among whites nowadays. Dylann Roof was a warning shot across the bow, which most whites of course appear to be completely ignoring because feels.

I do take exception with this:

A lot of boys aren’t wired for game, and there are good reasons why, just as there are good reasons why some people are born male. Male shyness isn’t a pathology. It’s an adaptation to a social environment that values monogamy and high paternal investment while stigmatizing sexual adventurism. Our war on male shyness reflects our perverse desire to create a society of Don Juans and single mothers.

I disagree that male shyness isn't a pathology. It has no positive function whatsoever for the male sex, and seems purely deleterious. I mean, the lopsided sex ratios in black/white and white/Asian mating may be explained entirely by differing levels of male shyness in the relevant races. My guess is that as with other features harmful to males but not females, such as short statures, it has most likely survived because of shy women passing it on. In addition, nations with high levels of male shyness such as the Japanese have historically relied on arranged marriages.

Although, shyness can be dealt with. I'm shy myself, it runs in my family, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get rid of it completely no matter how much self-confidence I grow. Because of this, I prefer to take advice from Game theorists who tend more toward Sigma than Alpha.

Laguna Beach Fogey said...

Get over it. Seriously. Eat some steak and eggs, drink some bourbon, put on a Rammstein CD, and lift. Also, you might want to consider hitting some of that MILF poosy you mentioned.

haus frau said...

If she was ever really interested in him she would have gotten with him and then tried to "fix" him. He was always an ego boost and a cure for any aloneness she felt. Been there done that. She was never the girl he held her up to be.

David Morrison said...

To a comment about a bullrider getting to his feet despite obvious injury, eight-time world-champion bullrider Don Gay replied: “It don’t feel good, but it don’t do no good to lay on the ground.”

Derrick Bonsell said...

haus frau: Absolutely. I've been that ego boost and I certainly suffered for it. I suppose that makes me just as guilty because I certainly used her as a cure for my loneliness.

Double E said...

Looking back and cringing over past mistakes is a fruitless endeavor. It's like being embarrassed that you shit in your pants as a toddler.

If you are truly committed to self-improvement, you will not even be the same person after a couple years. So don't worry about what that 'other you' did.

Cataline Sergius said...

@MC

Here's a couple of observations I made a while back.

First on the subject of assortive mating

The 2005 People Magazine's list of the Ten Sexiest Men Alive is an amazing view into the female psyche. None of these men have anything in common in the least. Ian McShane made this list and he was 63 at the time. Although frankly it wasn't Ian McShane these women were voting for, it was Al Swerengen. A man who couldn't speak without saying, "fuck" and in his first appearance stepped on a woman’s throat.

My point is you are going to get shot down, way more than you are going to score. Accept that as a given fact. Sperm is plentiful and can be expended without worry. Eggs are rare. In a state of nature, a women can only reproduce a species average of seven times successfully (IE produce a child that lives to adulthood).

Some care is required for mate selection but this will not be driven by intellect. Her instincts are going to drown out an intelligent choice of mate.


When she said, you had no value as a man. She wasn't playing you for anything. She meant that and she was right. But she was only right for her.

This is why Oneitis is the cruelest of social diseases. Its why we keep telling you guys to keep prospecting. That there are 3.5 billion other fish in the sea. Men have basically universal standards of sexual attractiveness. That is because we are visually sexual.

Women do not have universal standards because they are holistically sexual.

There was billion little things that went on in her assessment of you and she didn't think about any of them, any more than you think about why you like about a certain pair of tits.

I know it couldn't feel more personal as a rejection. But never take it personally. Yeah I know easy for Cataline to say but you have to get your head around this concept somehow. Otherwise you are going to stay afraid, which neatly leads to the the subject of fear.

When approaching a woman a man is afraid of rejection and that is it. That is all that a man has to be afraid of. To which my reply is: "You pussy, you know what women are afraid of when they are being approached by men?

Kidnap, rape and murder!

You as a man spend weeks of your life without being afraid for your life but this fear happens to women on a daily basis. Grrl power fantasies not withstanding women are always weaker than men in general. They are right to be afraid because they are always at risk.


Ultimately she's got a lot more to be afraid of than you do. Think about it from that perspective. It's one of the reasons confidence is so important during the approach.

Lastly. Woman will always find a man creepy if they aren't attracted to him. Where as genuinely creepy man that they are attracted to...well...Watch This.

Ron said...

There is something else. If she is willing to tell you that you have no value as a man, then it says a lot about her lack of character. I admit I don't have much experience with women, but this one sounds like a piece of shit.

If you were head over heels for her, then maybe you should consider that an even bigger problem is that you have a terrible concept of what woman is worth going for.

Ron said...

And that's another thing that bugged me, she didn't want to seem like an asshole for dumping her boyfriend who was deploying? Seem? First off, she is an asshole for doing that, but that that is her big consideration means that she is not only an asshole but a deceptive coward as well,

Vox is right, go out and do lots of game. Then send her a thank you card once a year for sparing you from her.

pdwalker said...

Take some relevant and pithy advice (6 min) from a well known and very wise psychologist.

(The rest of you may enjoy it as well. The advice has many practical applications for many areas of your life - practice it daily!)

liberranter said...

Some care is required for mate selection but this will not be driven by intellect. Her instincts are going to drown out an intelligent choice of mate.

A perfect illustration of why, for most of human history and in nearly all civilizations, the choice of a husband was never left to the woman herself alone, but to her father or another male relative who was her primary guardian. This custom did not arise in a vacuum or without good reason. The fact that it has fallen out of favor over the last century in the western world is not disconnected from the ongoing disintegration of marriage and the family.

johnthefaster said...

There is literally no reason to wait, ever, for moving forward with a woman.

I can think of one exception. If you are in a society traditional enough that it is not considered gross / obscene to be interested in a 16 or 17 year old girl, it is acceptable to wait to move forward with her until she is 18. But you definitely go and talk to her father / family before then, and the family matriarch will get to work figuring out if she likes you or not, so that you aren't wasting your time waiting until she turns 18 to officially date.

hank.jim said...

You always move on to the next one after a rejection. Don't keep trying the same girl. Also, you messed up by trying to date a co-worker. That co-worker can be your next sexual harassment complaint and you'll be out of the job.

You showed a lot of arrogance at your new job. What's up with that? You show a lack of social skills. Everyone hates you so you have a mere problem with girls? What's wrong with this picture? You're in it. Change the picture.

johnthefaster said...

@hank.jim

No kidding - in a more traditional society, this guy would have had someone try to kill him.

A good rule of thumb is "don't do things that make the majority of the town want to kill you".

Corvinus said...

I feel like he is lying to us and himself. The hostilities he keeps encountering scream gamma as show to me. And he sounds grossly over weight. I don't think he had a chance at all with any of these girls and they were just doing the girl thing of trying to protect feelings.

@Blume
Also the Gamma reluctance to not want to confront anything, such as his past failures and why he screwed up.

Actually, given his social incompetence, I'd say he's actually an Omega, with all the self-doubt, fear, and lack of self-confidence that goes along with it.

I should know; I used to be this way myself.

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