No woman in all of human history has ever looked better with short hair than she would with a head full of healthy locks. Despite this irrefutable fact, American women are “chopping it off” in greater numbers every day. This rears its ugly head in an array of ugly permutations, from the boy-like pixie cut to bizarre semi-shaved head topographies. The rationalizations—whether it’s donating their hair to sick kids or the summer weather—are immaterial. The effect, and true reasons, are the same.In truth, I think Tuthmosis misses the way in which we should be grateful to women who cut their hair off. Like women who overeat, it's a way for them to advertise their internal issues, which is not always immediately apparent. Long hair is not only an advertisement for a woman's youth and physical health, but evidence of her mental health as well. Want to know if a woman has issues? Her hair length is a fairly reliable indicator.
I blame this lamentable trend on a few factors. The most powerful are the disingenuous lies—from both men and women—about how it looks. Women are quick to encourage other women to cut their hair by telling them how “cute” it is. While I’m no scientist, I’m convinced this is some deep, genetic programming at work, one that forces women—who compete with one another on a physical level on a daily basis—to encourage any behavior that might eliminate competitors in the dating pool. Men are no better. The cowardly and deluded among us perpetuate the myth that “some girls can pull it off.” Pulling something off, I often respond, is the equivalent of “passing” a class. Just because you have enough left-over attractiveness to remain bangable after cutting off your hair doesn’t mean you wouldn’t look better with it back on.
When a man grows his hair long and starts wearing dresses, we recognize that there is something wrong with him inside. The same is true of a woman who cuts her hair off, but for some reason, most likely the Female Imperative, we tend to be a little less likely to recognize that as quickly. But the consequences are both logical and clear:
TUTHMOSIS: Let me ask you something: are guys hitting on you less now with the short hair?If a man argued that not showering for three months would make him just as attractive to women as when he kept himself clean, we'd know he was nuts. And yet, when a woman does something that women openly admit reduces their attractiveness by 90 percent and insists she is just as attractive, many of us still pretend to take her seriously. Which is perhaps an indication in itself that we harbor suspicions that she is nuts.
Latin Girl: Oof. Absolutely. A lot less.
TUTHMOSIS: If you had to put a number on it, what would you say the reduction is?
Latin Girl: At least 90 percent less. That’s partly why I did it. I wanted to be alone for a while after my break up.