before I line up behind your banner proclaiming that ‘More Than Half The Housework Is Unfair!’ I have a couple of questions for you:I'm impressed. There is literally nothing here to mock. Dear Feminist is correct, as it is both hypocritical and illogical to select for one behavior pattern pre-marriage, then expect another one post-marriage.
1. Before pairing up with your current ‘spouse,’ how did you attempt to filter your dates to eliminate ‘domestic non-helpers’ and attract men who were more domestically inclined?
2. Who was considered more socially dominant and/or higher on the social hierarchy when you first started going out? You, or him?
3. Who explicitly asked who out first? You, or him?
4. Who was making more money when you first started going out? You, or him?
5. Who explicitly initiated sex first? You, or him?
Now, if your answers are “not really anything,” “him,” “him,” “him,” and “him,” and then I trust you can see the problem. But there are those who will read this that might be a little slower than you, so I’m going to spell it out. What you’re asking for is for your post-courtship relationship to be even-steven, even though before and during courtship you were perfectly happy to enjoy the benefits of a wildly imbalanced relationship where the man took on all the risks of overt rejection, and where your standards had nothing to do with finding a man with egalitarian values. Instead you chose one who embodied the dominant, high-on-the-social-hierarchy, patriarchal values that you now chafe against.
Of course, this applies to anti-feminist men just as well as feminists. If the woman you're dating is a hot pig, she's not going to magically transform into Little Mrs. Houseproud and start polishing the silver just because you marry her. If she can't bother to work out now, don't be surprised when she puts on 30 pounds in the next year or three. And if she's a raging nymphet who can't ever get enough, don't be shocked when she shags the pool boy, the UPS man, and your neighbor.
People grow and mature, but they seldom change at their core. That doesn't mean a slut can't reform, a player can't retire, or a messy individual can't learn to clean the house only that they will have to make a conscious and continuing effort to do so. The important thing to keep in mind is that marriage is a commitment, it isn't some sort of magic transmogrification ritual.
16 comments:
Your first line is classic. Who knew they were capable of such a feat?
It's also logical that feminists would favor easy divorce. Most women, including feminists, who say they want this even/steven partnership sort of relationship get really frustrated when the man won't initiate sex, assert authority in the household or take responsibility for things without having detailed negotiations and a Listening Session to figure out how everybody feels about a particular crisis. Biology isn't destiny, my ass.
Gak. Feminism - past equal pay for equal work - is just so many lies piled atop one another.
Old saying:
Men want women to stay the same after they get married, but they never do.
Women think they can get men to change the way they want after they get married, but they never do.
Here's a tragic view of the poor and marriage in America:
"When I started counseling I saw our work as serving the mother-child dyad. I wanted to help the woman and save her unborn baby. Over time I began to see more and more the frayed communal fabric in which these women and children are wrapped. I began to appreciate the connections they lacked—to their own fathers, to their children’s fathers, to happily married couples who could serve as models, to churches where they were nurtured and shown God’s love. Now I see my job primarily as helping women find people in their own communities who can give them support, advice, and most of all the hope that married love is possible."
http://www.weeklystandard.com/articles/sex-and-city_650185.html?page=1
Beautiful.
No - it is the exact same old concept of equal pay for equal work, except that the dirty little secret is that the work was never and never will be, equal.
Feminism hasn't extended at all. It is still "give me something in exchange for something I won't earn and can not do."
When the husband gets paid, wives want equality.
When the wife gets paid, wives want independence.
When financial decisions are being made using the family credit card, wives want supremacy.
When the credit card bill comes in, wives want the husband to "be the man and take care of it."
Whatever empowers the wife and obligates the husband is the feminist version of equality.
One problem some women have is the understanding of the subjectivity of 'clean'.
Apart from everyone having personal guidelines as to messy vs. clean vs. anal retentive, men tend to have a more relaxed definition of clean than women. So, when a girl says a guy is messy, or not doing 'his fair share of the work' it really means, 'He isn't clean to my standard.' Equality is absurd and no one can do half the work to the satisfaction of all involved.
Trust nails it, especially with money. I've noted how the higher earning spouse changes what a woman asserts about her marriage - unfairness versus independence.
Women are terrible at cleaning houses so all these women better hope their husbands don't start cleaning or they'd be out of a job! Take that!
She's been transmogrified!
My wife brought up the "unfair balance" issue in regards to homework, but had to admit that she didn't really like the idea of me doing the cleaning. I am picky at some things, but my standard of clean is not hers,
I have been gaining some points by demoing a bathroom we will remodel. Slow process since we are doing it cheaply, but more along my lines.
It doesn't take a year. My best friend's fiancee put on 30 pounds in the month after he asked her to marry him. And yes, he went through with it...
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