Sunday, February 26, 2012

Conclusions on perusing FML

1. Never, ever, decide to surprise your husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend with your unexpected presence, especially if you are in a long-distance relationship. The mere fact that you have a desire to surprise them rather than simply making plans like a normal human being would tends to indicate that you already suspect they are unfaithful on some level. If you genuinely think this sounds like a good idea, or worse yet, a romantic one, chances are pretty good that you're not going to like what you discover.

2. Never propose marriage to a woman in public or with anyone else around. A proposal of marriage is not performance art, it's not intended for public consumption, and if you are more focused on winning the plaudits of others than the question of whether or not this is the right individual to make the most important commitment of your life, you will well merit whatever disaster ensues. And if you're concerned that she is more focused on the public perception of the proposal's style rather than on its significance, you're probably making a mistake.

3. Getting dumped sucks. How it happens doesn't really matter all that much. The instinct to complain about how it happened is simply a defense mechanism meant to provide an easy outlet for venting one's anger and disappointment. There is no nice way to let someone know you are no longer romantically interested in them, so whatever lends itself to a minimum of unpleasantness is probably best. That being said, I did rather admire the style of the high school kid who broke up with his girlfriend in the school cafeteria, then went running around with his arms spread wide and shouting "FREEEDOMMM" before grabbing and kissing the first random girl he encountered. Even the ex-girlfriend's FML lament sounded more than a little amused.

5. Men, particularly BETAs, have a solid rationale for preferring low N. "Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. "I-I-I MISS HIM!" She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was inside her."

5. This isn't news to those familiar with Game, but women cheat much more remorselessly than most BETA men would like to believe. In fact, perusing FML is probably a pretty good antidote to any tendency to place the female sex on pedestals.

This, however, was my favorite: "Today, we got my brother a pet hamster because he has trouble making friends. We thought a hamster would be a good way to teach him about caring for others. I walked into the room and the hamster was hanging from the ceiling. Turns out there's a reason my brother doesn't have friends."

39 comments:

Desert Cat said...

Ok, clearly I am unplugged at some level (ha!). Who or what is FML?

Markku said...

http://www.fmylife.com/

First Google hit for "FML". Just sayin'.

Ghost said...

As someone who has been the "other man" almost 20 times, I can categorically state that no woman has ever felt bad about cheating, ever.

They only feel bad when they get caught. Even then, they usually blame either their significant other, or me. Ya know, because I'm just so damn irresistable.

JCclimber said...

Visiting a friend, their 12 year old daughter was going on and on about that site or something like it.

My life sucks or something. I get the impression that it is mostly teenagers and preteens posting on there.

Vox is taking one for the team by reading that crap.

Vox said...

Visiting a friend, their 12 year old daughter was going on and on about that site or something like it.

Epic Parent Fail.

Stingray said...

Y'all would probably love Texts From Last Night. I think it is just an app now but it is HYSTERICAL. Make you cry hysterical. This seems to be along the same lines only TFLN is for college students and older (I hope).

Jean-Luc LeGame said...

"women cheat much more remorselessly than most BETA men would like to believe. In fact, perusing FML is probably a pretty good antidote to any tendency to place the female sex on pedestals."

I would have thought this should be #1. I'm a frequent reader of FML and I am continually saddened by the countless tales of womanly deceit and their utter lack of shame. A recent one that stands out in my mind was posted by a guy who said he had to explain to his girlfriend that giving a blowjob to another man counts as cheating.

Anonymous said...

@Jean-Luc LeGame said...I'm a frequent reader of FML and I am continually saddened by the countless tales of womanly deceit and their utter lack of shame.
____________

When you make excuses for any group of people, you get more of the behavior and less remorse for it.

When a man cheats, no one feels any excuse is justified, and many would lynch him if they could. When a woman cheats, it turns into a lynching of the man for driving her to do it.

Women often don't even need to make excuses. Their friends, co-workers, the news media, pastors, rabbis, and the like, strangers, all make the excuses for them.

TLM said...

Dam, I've just spent the last year meticulously planning to propose on the jumbotron at Madison Square gardens. Thought for sure she'd love it.

modernguy said...

Sounds like it's mostly teenagers. It only goes to show you that we've lost something important since the world moved on from the days of backbreaking labour on the homestead. Life is too easy now, it makes people shallow.

IndyGuy77 said...

RE: #3, Don't ever dump anyone on Valentine's Day. It just gives them easy ammo to use on you at any time to show how heartless you are.

I was the dumpee, but it was for the third time at that point so it didn't even surprise me. (Sure do miss those BJs though...)

But the timing irked. A few hours sooner, a few hours later...

So I tauntingly remind her of her heartlessness every year, as we're still close friends.

And she has the nerve to get upset if I bring it up.

I always tell her "You could have picked ANY other day..."

I mean, I sure don't remember the dates of the 1st or 2nd times she broke up with me. And I don't even remember the place of the 2nd.

It actually works to my advantage because now I have an honest reason to despise Valentine's Day, even though I don't. It's a stretch to say "It's just a rough day for me" but once I explain, what heartless wench is going to still expect hearts & flowers?

Stickwick said...

A recent one that stands out in my mind was posted by a guy who said he had to explain to his girlfriend that giving a blowjob to another man counts as cheating.

Had they been married, he would have had a point. Not to be pedantic, but he can only legitimately claim the BJ counts as sex outside the relationship. When there are no vows, there is no such thing as cheating.

Trust said...

@ IndyGuy77 said... I was the dumpee, but it was for the third time at that point so it didn't even surprise me. (Sure do miss those BJs though...)
________

It's amazing how forgiving we can be when a woman does that well and often, isn't it?

modernguy said...

Stickwick: A distinction without a difference. Are you training to become a lawyer? Way to miss the point.

IndyGuy77 said...

@ Trust: she made that act into a work of art.

She should teach classes for oral sex at her church. Bet the divorce rates would plummet.

Stickwick said...

A distinction without a difference. Are you training to become a lawyer? Way to miss the point.

I did not miss the point, I overlooked it in favor of a more important point. It's certainly amusing that some idiot harlot doesn't think a BJ counts as sex, but less so than people who think that a relationship without vows confers any expectation of loyalty.

ampontan said...

"First Google hit for "FML". Just sayin'"

First rule for non-fiction writers --- never make the reader guess what you're talking about. In-group snobbery at best, rude and annoying at worst.

If the average person needs a google search to know what's being talked about, that's a sign of writer failure.

VD has a tendency to take a pearls before swine approach to his readership (in aggregate)anyway, but that's no excuse.

And do yourself (and everyone else) a favor and lose the "just sayin'" schtick. It's old, and a beta trait besides. If you're going to say something, say it, and don't tell us you said it later. It reeks of "I'm superior to you, but hey, it's just little old humble me talking.

Vox said...

If the average person needs a google search to know what's being talked about, that's a sign of writer failure.

Of course, in this case, he absolutely doesn't. The FML post is quoted in full and knowledge of the FML site is totally irrelevant to being able to know what is talked about here.

I could not care less if anyone wants to verify the source or peruse through the thousands of other FML posts that are not relevant to my post here.

Anonymous said...

Vox, can you expand on #1? "Never, ever, decide to surprise your husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend with your unexpected presence, especially if you are in a long-distance relationship." ... I enjoy surprising my wife, for instance on our celebration of valentines day (2 days after since we have kids and babysitter couldn't do it, natch) I told her I'd be home at 4 after work to pick her up. Well, instead I came home at 10:00, took the kids to the babysitter, told her to get dolled up and whisked her away for a quick lunch and a quickie in the back of the car ... it went well, I thought, and she tells me she enjoys the surprises. Maybe it's different for married couples?

Ghost said...

I think Vox was speaking more about long distance relationships. But there's an easy solution to this:
Keep a stack of bricks outside your front door. Every time you come home early and surprise your wife, throw a brick over the house. One day, you'll catch the prick in the noggin while he's sneaking out the back.

Anonymous said...

Ghost - that is funny. I can't imagine my wife cheating not because we have a perfect marriage (we don't) or because I'm sexually satisfied (I'm not). She stays at home and home schools the kids who are old enough to have said something about "mom's friend" or "mom dropped us off somewhere"; secondly her libido is so low I **wish** she were cheating on me because it would explain A LOT...

Giraffe said...

In case anyone is still confused on the meaning of FML courtesy of Urban Dictionary:

FML means Fix My Lighthouse. Back in the 17th Century, lighthouse keepers were tthe butt of everyone's jokes. When a lighthouse keeper was made fun of, his retort would be "why dont you fix my lighthouse!" which was shortened over time to FML. This term was made famous in the great battle of the Sole Bay in 1902 where 14 peolpe died and 1 person broke their glasses.
"if you are going to take the piss out of me then why don't you FML

Anonymous said...

For the love of God!!!

Some one explain what the F "FML" means!!

I am serious, why will no one just say what the acronym stands for?!?!

Markku said...

Fuck.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

It means fuck.

Matthew said...

I thought it meant: Finns Making Love.

IndyGuy77 said...

I think Matthew just MIGHT be correct.

Unless it means "FUCK MY LIFE", in which case.... he's not.

Anonymous said...

"Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend of two years. I realized I was going to be late for work, so I asked him to hand me my underwear. I had never seen the underwear he gave me before. FML"

While looking for my shoes, I found a pair of very sexy panties under my bed while my girlfriend at the time was in the living room. I did the wise thing and threw them away.

Anonymous said...

but less so than people who think that a relationship without vows confers any expectation of loyalty.

This is ridiculous. I can think of any number of relationships that involve no vows whatsoever where there is definitely an expectation of loyalty. I expect loyalty from my family and friends for starters and I'm fairly certain that, although no vows were exchanged, I would have considered it cheating if Vox had done it while we were engaged.

SB

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