A recent email got to me.... She unleashed the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech on him and he knew enough to know that things were bad. He scrambled around the Internet for a bit and eventually found his way here. Within a day or so he's getting up to speed on the Alpha Beta thing and orders the book.It's very difficult to immerse oneself in other people's pain. It's a rare skill to be able to do so and come out unscathed, so I admire Athol's determination to subject himself to it while wanting no part in it myself.
Within two weeks he's getting results and she's starting to respond to him better. It's working. But she started cheating on him three days after the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech anyway.
Eleven years together, double virgin relationship start. I had to be the one to tell him that "I gave him a blowjob and he fingered me while I was naked" was very likely not the entire truth.
But on the subject of betrayal, the harsh truth is that while you can improve your odds of relationship success with your behavior, the behavior of other people will always be beyond your control. If a man wants to cheat, he will. If a woman wants to cheat, she will. It may be bitterly disappointing, it may be tremendously hurtful, or it may be a lifetime pass to nailing hot 18-year old Lithuanian professionals, no matter how you react to the actions of another, the choice was never yours. And their choice does not need to define the rest of your life.
The important thing, I think, is to realize that an individual who is willing to betray you is an individual who never merited your trust from the start. They are not the person you thought they were, that person never existed. That doesn't make them an intrinsically awful or evil person, it simply means that your faith in them was built on a false foundation. Whether you forgive and forget or whether you move on without looking back, it is necessary to deal with the reality of the individual, not the fictional notion of who you thought they were.
14 comments:
Money quote: "[A]n individual who is willing to betray you is an individual who never merited your trust from the start."
Amen. And remember that militaries treat betrayal (treason) more harshly than murder, and that of the different types of treason, betrayal for personal gain is among the most unforgivable of all offenses.
As soon as she cheats, its over.
The only question is how much he wants to suffer before it ends.
And if he is foolish enough to trust her again assuming they patch it together temporarily, the second time she cheats (and she will cheat again) it will be more devastating.
"faith in them was built on a false foundation."
Like any kind of faith is
"As soon as she cheats, its over."
It was over way before she said "Im not in love with you"
She cheating is the closure. The only way to improve that relationships is to burn bridges. You can remain being friends, but its def over.
Sorry Yohami, but I harken back to the classic line from When Harry Met Sally:
"men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way."
Vox overlooks one simple fact of human nature. The person not having ever been who you thought they were is not the only option. There is also the fact that people change from who they truly, at one time, were.
"men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way."
Friendship after the sex happened is easy
Juhana: "The person not having ever been who you thought they were is not the only option. There is also the fact that people change from who they truly, at one time, were."
That is incorrect. They were hiding, or simply not aware of their true nature.
"A thief who has not yet had the chance to steal considers himself an honest man."
"Discipline under ideal circumstances is meaningless. It must hold in the face of fire, or be considered worthless."
Hey no fair post title lol.
Some marriages recover from cheating, some don't.
Comment goof, 2nd try.
Excellent post, especially the very last section.
Walk away and never look back. There is little need to emote, cry or fight over the abuse/loss of trust. Just move on.
It is possible to project onto someone qualities they do not actually possess. It is a hard lesson when the truth emerges.
Yeah he should forgive and walk away. Perhaps his lack of game led to the situation, but what is done is done.
I wonder what would change if women had to dig ditches from the ages of 7 to 18.
They wouldn't be so fat, that's for sure.
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