I was raised by a single mother who was deeply narcissistic and emotionally incestuous with her children. It was classic narcissism; externally, she was beautiful, stylish, charming, witty, well read, and well travelled. Inside she was a damaged, angry, reactive, frightened little girl in deep pain. The dozens of failed relationships strewn in her wake revealed someone incapable of empathy or emotional connections. She masterfully used rage and the induction of guilt as primary parental tools.I have great respect for Deltas who have surmounted their socio-sexual handicaps and developed into socio-sexually normal men. Far too many young men are overly obsessed with becoming something they are not rather than the best of what they can be.
I should have become a full blown gamma (or gay, had the emotional incest taken a slightly different form). All the elements were growing within me; narcissism, lack of empathy, inability to ever be wrong, emotionally reactive, holding grudges, the belief that I was smarter, more talented, and better looking than I really was, etc.
But somewhere along the line as a young man I started realizing that I was profoundly screwed up. It was probably the grace of God that allowed me to see it. Most gammas are never able to see themselves truthfully. It's too painful. But as painful as the process became for me, I sought to fix it.
Neil Strauss has a new book called The Truth. It's a very dark story--I almost couldn't get through it, but ultimately it's a story of redemption. His mother too, was terribly emotionally incestuous. His descriptions of her hit very close to home.
What I do want to say to guys like Aaron, although most are operating on such a subconsciously reactive level that they are incapable of honest introspection, is that there is hope. The reality is, just like with alcoholism, you can never be cured. But you do learn to see with clarity and recognize when those old emotional triggers are misfiring. You learn to build new thought patterns, new habits, new pathways, and eventually, you can achieve emotional health and happiness.
Just as a man without confidence can learn "game", and eventually those patterns become more dominant than the old ones, the gamma can become a well functioning, healthy individual who is capable of emotional depth and strong human bonds.
But it starts with a kernel of recognition. And that, my friends, is the hardest part.
There is nothing wrong with being Delta. It is, for most men, a very psychologically healthy and satisfying place to be.