Sunday, June 26, 2016

The man who learned nothing

This foolish man's infertility is a metaphor for his insipid failure to understand the concept of marital commitment:
In the days that follow, I’m not ready to collapse into existing expectations about what is to come. I ask her: what do you actually want? Was this an accident? Do you still want to be with me? Do you want the three of us to co-parent?

Amid ongoing tears and the wreckage of our old life, she confesses her terrible dilemma: I don’t think I can love more than one man. Therefore, I choose him.

Soon we are sitting across the table from my parents, married 30-plus years, who look to us with cautious optimism. I’d already warned the news wasn’t what they might be expecting. In truth, to them and most of our friends, Katherine and I were the perfect couple. Loving, productive and stable, we never quarreled. Ever.

I break the news. “Katherine and I are separating.” My mother immediately bursts into tears. My father leaps into fix-it mode, suggesting the merits of marriage counseling. “We’re certain,” I confirm. They did not know about our open relationship, and I feel it is too much to reveal the pregnancy now.

Plus, I can’t admit the secret shame that I had screwed things up. I had ruined my marriage.

“I’m sorry,” my mother wept. “I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work.”

I spent the rest of the month on the road, returning only to pack my share of the belongings. No battle. No lawyers. Katherine finds the paperwork online and we fill it out on the kitchen table. We agree to split the mortgage equity. I will take the vehicle, the blender, and the Nintendo Wii. She will retain “the rest of the household contents.”

I spend the afternoon carrying my things out the front door and packing them in the car. It’s both freeing and sorrowful when I realize my life now fits into a 2002 Subaru hatchback. My plan is to catch a ferry to Victoria, where my friend has already set up a desk in her office. I had found a temporary apartment just outside downtown, close to Mya, whose long-term partnership had also ended for reasons that remain their own.

For one last time, I sit alone on the backyard patio of the house that no longer bears my name. I light the cigarette I had taken from Katherine’s secret stash (I rarely smoke) and watch it curl into the amber dusk.

A few hours before, she had revealed how she had begun drifting from our marriage the first time I’d confessed about kissing the other women, almost a year earlier. “You never told me,” I pleaded. “How could I have saved us?”

I believed wholeheartedly the myth of the One. The belief that human happiness means finding your other half, pledging them your heart and soul, and committing until death do you part.

She was my One. Yet I struggled for years to reconcile my desire for others with the inherited story of traditional monogamous marriage. The hidden cost of monogamy, when culturally reinforced as the only acceptable ideal, is the unquestioned coupling of sexual fidelity with “real” partnership. Anything falling outside these norms is, at best, labelled an unwillingness to commit, at worst, condemned for hedonistic promiscuity.
Marriage is difficult enough for women, bombarded as they are with encouragement to behave like unthinking, hedonistic animals, without their husbands throwing them at other men so they don't feel guilty about unwashed, dreadlocked hippy girls at Burning Man. What on Earth did the idiot think was going to happen the first time his wife came across a man willing to give her a better offer?

It's also a reminder that it's not always women who ruin marriages.

37 comments:

Bob Loblaw said...

That article is painful to read. He's the antithesis of manhood. He takes ownership of nothing; everything is in the passive voice. When he starts kissing other women waits "hoping somehow the situation would resolve itself."

He knows what he's doing is wrong, but he doesn't believe in right or wrong (only healthy and unhealthy relationships) so he wraps it all up in new age hippy dippy bullshit to avoid facing the truth. His whole life is a series of euphemisms and dodges.

And then he blames it all on "modern culture".

Ceasar said...

"She was my One." Obviously not moron if you negotiated an open relationship from the get go. This is why it is imperative that couples have the same ideas/expectations of marriage before tying the knot. If your having to negotiate from the beginning, it most likely will fail.

Worlds Edge said...

Couldn't stomach that whole thing, so I scrolled to the end. And found a link to his Patreon. As expected. I think what frightens me most about these nu-men or whatever you wish to call them is how utterly and completely predictable they are. Very odd how a group that tosses slogans around about being "revolutionary" and "challenging" and whatnot is in actuality so utterly bovine.

sooootired said...

On June 17th, you recommended "When you're given carte blanche, play the damn card!"

This was for the specific case where a woman suggested he go out and do it, because she lost all desire. If you're in that situation, how do make sure she doesn't later claim that you now have an open relationship?

Laguna Beach Fogey said...

I don't like the sound of this chap. Like so many modern men, he's shallow, silly, selfish, effeminate. I bet he doesn't even lift.

will said...

"Split the mortgage" is code for 'still tethered'. There is no splitting mortgages. He's supporting her to live in a nice home while he's in a crap apartment. The guy won't stop being a doormat.

VD said...


This was for the specific case where a woman suggested he go out and do it, because she lost all desire. If you're in that situation, how do make sure she doesn't later claim that you now have an open relationship?


Who cares? She isn't doing you in any case.

Keyser Soze said...

What a total dufus!! Obviously raised by a single woman. Probably never knew his father. The whole article, written in a way to show how sensitive he is, made me sick.

Verne said...

No it isn't always the woman. Often a man helps to ruin what started out as a good woman. He wants it all, some of us are just stupid enough to try and make our slutty nature into something good and normal. So we make infidelity "ok" in the hope that she is not really into it and we can play without guilt.

Any man who would share his woman is not much of a man and deserves what this fool got. I have not been a saint, I am lucky I have not had my infidelities bite me in the ass. But I know enough not to try and make my past infidelity into a family norm. "Its all good dear, you can do it as well, meet Dave and Shanna". Its normal and natural and ...Good God only a fool eases his guilt in such a way. There is right and wrong, that which works and that that which never does work out. Teach your woman to have sex with other men or woman, with your permission. She will be a whore and whores do not stay loyal.

Verne said...

@Laguna Beach Fogey: "I don't like the sound of this chap. Like so many modern men, he's shallow, silly, selfish, effeminate. I bet he doesn't even lift"

For some reason I love this comment. Wanting to play is a masculine trait. But these stupid "men" involved in open marriages, they are not masculine at all.

MATT said...

if the wedding picture is real, ahe has a much broader and more masculine face. surprise surprise.

MATT said...

His writing is effeminate. Makes me sick to read.

Aeoli Pera said...

They did not know about our open relationship...

My eyes just rolled into the back of my head.

Aeoli Pera said...

tl;dr- I cheated on my wife, then told her it was okay to cheat back, so she left me for the guy she cheated with. And it's all society's fault.

Timmy3 said...

Isn't this what we call dread game? Or it seems like it didn't work as he got the consequences. He might has kissed another woman bur she left. That constitutes adulery and he can remarry.

Jon M said...

The prose of this excerpt (not wasting time with the full article because my stomach can barely take this much of that nonsense) is interesting. It's readable and understandable right up until he gets to this bit: "The hidden cost of monogamy, when culturally reinforced as the only acceptable ideal, is the unquestioned coupling of sexual fidelity with “real” partnership. Anything falling outside these norms is, at best, labelled an unwillingness to commit, at worst, condemned for hedonistic promiscuity."

TheDamn, what a load of gibberish. Took me thee readings to parse ouout what the heck he meant. He is clear about his pain and experience, but gets really squirrely When it comes to describing his 'pholosophy'. Has to resort to jargon and big but vague words. That's a bad sign.

Rob said...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJLIbtLXqd4

Rob said...

"I opt to spend a weekend away at a local music festival with Mya. On my way out the door, I choose a Tarot card from the deck, standard practice for ongoing insight into our relationship."

Hmm... They follow paganism, the faith of the demons, and they're surprised things went to shit...

Cail Corishev said...

If you're in that situation, how do make sure she doesn't later claim that you now have an open relationship?

If your wife dares/tells you to cheat, and you start seeing other women, and it doesn't prompt any jealousy or renewed desire in her, then she was already gone anyway and there was nothing you could do about it. The relationship was already open from her end; you just didn't know it yet.

Dread Game works, but that doesn't mean it's 100% in all situations. It requires that she still have some attraction for you, which is hard to imagine with a crawling, whining worm like this.

residentMoron said...

Bob Loblaw,

you wrote: "His whole life is a series of euphemisms and dodges."

A lot of people's lives are. Increasing numbers, I think, since we now live in a culture that encourages unreality and lies.

One thing that is obvious is that people get angry when you point this out. The people who openly cry how much they hate us, for pointing out their euphemisms and dodges, while calling us haters, without a shred of irony or self-awareness, are angry.

But this fool is not angry at his wife, even though she's stripped him f every vestige of manhood, because she kept on playing the game. At least in front of him.

haus frau said...

I always hear these polyamorous types defending there actions by saying that if you trust/love someone and they love you then you should trust that person to fool around and not damage the relationship. Basically that monogamy is a sign of insecurity and, thus, weakness. This impresses me as some form of projection but I can't put my finger on it. The delusional sweeping aside of so many practical and emotional problems that promiscuity creates is just so foreign to me...... Oddly enough, most people who claim to be polyamorous or have open relationships are average looking down to highly unnattractive. This can't be coincidental.

VoodooJock said...

Relationships based on political statements never succeed

frenchy said...

@ Keyser Soze,

Did you read what Vox posted, or even the link?

"My mother immediately bursts into tears. My father leaps into fix-it mode, suggesting the merits of marriage counseling."

Regardless, this guy screwed up. Sad.



liberranter said...

@ Keyser Soze,

Did you read what Vox posted, or even the link?

"My mother immediately bursts into tears. My father leaps into fix-it mode, suggesting the merits of marriage counseling."

Regardless, this guy screwed up. Sad.


I seriously feel for this schlub's parents, who probably did all the right things while raising him. Alas, it has really reached the point where unless you raise your kids in an isolated conservative religious compound, they stand just as much chance of getting corrupted by the culture and going off the rails as any bastard spawn of a slut. But even being raised in isolation from the culture isn't a guarantee (just ask any Amish or fundamentalist Mormon parent).

frenchy said...

Yeah,

It really is that bad. I mean, they were expecting grand-kids; was he their only child? And do they know that the kid she had is not their son's? Holy crap! And now you have a kid who is the seed of adultery. Now she's gonna grow up with that spiritual baggage going into her adulthood. Jeesh!

He got selfish, and it went downhill from there.

Kona Commuter said...

Damn that dude needs to be punched right in his vagina

chris said...

That's why you should have more than one child. If one fucks up, you still have others you can pin your hopes on. It also means no one child can hold your lineage to ransom, as with more than one you can get them to compete against one another for favour.

Days of Broken Arrows said...

Frank Zappa once wrote that communism was doomed to fail because it didn't take into account human nature -- that a child's first word after "mommy" and "daddy" is usually "mine." Same applies to polyamory. It's also an idealistic concept that might look good on paper and makes for a great essay subject, but it kind of loses the plot when it comes to how humans actually behave and react in the real world.

dc.sunsets said...

A. He's a textbook narcissist.
B. He describes her, at their first date, as a veteran of the alpha carousel looking for beta stability (which could easily be the accuracy of hindsight.)
C. She was 5 years past 21 to his 1 year past it when they met: see B above.
D. Referring to her eventual mate, he self-describes as beta through & through. Whiney, hipster, permanent child beta.

A society that embraces fiat money, debt-is-wealth folly embeds high time preference and infantilizes it's populace. This man-child is incapable of recognizing the inescapable choices life demands and dooms himself and any stupid enough to associate with him to the consequences reserved for trying to have cake & eat it, too.

The Deuce said...

This part is simply amazing:

The hidden cost of monogamy, when culturally reinforced as the only acceptable ideal, is the unquestioned coupling of sexual fidelity with “real” partnership.

So he's just been through an object lesson in how sexual fidelity and real partnership do, in fact, go hand in hand whether you pretend otherwise or not, and yet despite having just destroyed his marriage, he just takes it as more proof that he was right about monogamy being a harmful societal norm all along.

I'm incapable of NOT deriving pleasure at the suffering caused by this sort of determined stupidity.

de ti said...

OK guys. Here's what our man should have done. Either:

1. You carry the guilt of the "cheating". You don't tell her. When your infertility comes up, and your marriage continues to slide because of it, you either make a commitment to staying together and making the best of it; or you divorce.

2. You sit your wife down and tell her that the two of you should give up on trying to conceive because you're infertile and your efforts aren't working. You tell her that your infertility and inability to have kids is a major problem in your marriage and that it will continue to be. You tell her your marriage isn't working out and that it's probably best that you divorce.

That relieves your guilt about your "cheating" and frees you up to go and kiss girls at Burning Man without any guilt about it. That frees up your soon to be ex wife to find a man to have kid(s) with.

Amy said...

Not infertility, infidelity.

Article says his sperm counts were normal. It wasn't his infertility. She'd been anorexic and treated for Eating disorders, mysteriously lost her period, and had multiple failed in vitro attempts.

Her period suddenly returned after she started banging other guys and Chad or whomever got her pregnant.

Either way: schmuck. I'm floored he used the word "divorce" instead of the fashionable term " conscious uncoupling."

pdwalker said...

in other words Amy, her body was rejecting him hard.

Amy said...

Maybe, pdwalker. Eating disorders screw with hormones on many levels. The "mysterious return" of menstruation after he gave her carte blanche to fuck other men is...telling? I don't know.

They praise Darwin but ignore biology; worship the body but deny the spirit. The author grew up in an intact family, but as only child, only learned that his own desires mattered. And, with them unfulfilled, he skulks away wondering where he went wrong.

A proper Catholic response would be to accept childlessness as a gift and a challenge from God. An opportunity to give unto others, to assist in adoption or the fostering of a struggling family: aid for education and general welfare. To give out of Christian love to your fellow Christians what you would to your own if you could.

But modern charity is a whore who would take everything you have and give to the immediate need of any taker, legitimate or not. The author of this piece chose to give it away, rather than fight. Pity.

But that is how it goes when pleasure is the god. Even the pleasure of having children. I note that the only difference between a fetus and an unborn child is how the mother "feels" about it. If pleasure can be continued by abortion, so be it. If pleasure by birth..so be it. Hedonism reigns where God is absent.

Dexter said...

Is "Cam" the real winner here? His "prize" is a skank who got knocked up while married and whoring it up in an "open relationship". She might well cuck him next.

Lesson for the author is be careful what you wish for...

anonymos-coward said...

...we never quarreled. Ever.

Number one tell-tale sign of a divorce in the making. (An interesting fact, since I don't really know why.)

Natalie said...

I'd guess that if you never argue she's not that into you. We had a counselor once tell us that "when iron sharpens iron sparks tend to fly." If you live together and never, ever, not once have a disagreement it sounds like you aren't really inhabiting each other's lives.

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