Saturday, July 18, 2015

The supportive wife

Stingray explains how a wife can best help her husband who is out of a job:
 In this situation, the help that a husband needs, more than anything else, is to know that you trust him and aren’t afraid.  He needs to know that you 100% support him and trust him to get a new job so he can continue to do his job of leading his family.  He is feeling like he failed, dejected and afraid.  He doesn’t want you to know any of that, at least not all of it so he will put on a strong front, for you as much for himself.  Nothing can take down a vulnerable husband faster than a wife who is afraid and is trying to take control of the situation.

So, what does a wife do?

First and foremost, she learns to let go of the fear.  This is the most difficult thing for her to do.  You’ll have to fake it at first, but lying awake at night worrying is going to wear on both of you.  Even as you’re faking it, your husband will have an inkling that you are afraid, that little bit you can’t hide in your eyes.  You must work to be truly not afraid.  You must work to put your trust completely in him, so much so that you are literally 100% unafraid of this situation.  The way in which this will build him up and give him confidence is not in me to describe.  But your complete faith in him will drive him to do whatever he can to get back on his feet.
Another thing she can do is stop talking about things she wants and money she wants to spend. Few things are more frustrating for a husband under financial pressure than a wife babbling about how she'd like to go on a three-week cruise when he's trying to figure out how he's going to pay the mortgage next month.

Letting go of the fear is good, but a basic recognition of reality is also desirable.

Sex also helps. It's somewhat counterinstinctive, as a wife is probably going to find herself less attracted to an unemployed husband, but his stress levels are going to be high and nothing reduces stress like sex.


CostelloM said...

Well actually her first move would likely be quickly file for divorce so she can get the child support and alimony based on his prior income. With the likelihood that he will get a job with an even higher salary diminished considerably due to the current labor market in the US, we certainly can't have that no goodnik making less and thus penalized less.

Okay okay yes this is "negative" and all that but what do you know I just got off the phone with an old friend who is in *exactly this situation* and is asking me how to leave the US. It sure is difficult to have a good stable marriage with the government actively subsidizing and encouraging the breakup of same.

As to the wife that actually wants to keep the family together well do NOT listen to your divorced friends who give you the advice in the first paragraph (these exist and are plentiful). Do not nag and *do* be supportive. His job is to get a new job from the moment he gets his pink slip so now is not the time to insist that "since he's home he should do all the housework and manage the children" while you go to coffee with your friends to bitch and whine and worry.

Bastiat's Ghost said...

Like that's going to happen.

Anonymous said...

I don't know currently and have never known a single woman, American or otherwise, who has reacted to a husband losing a job anywhere near that described here as ideal.

I do agree the approach is near-ideal and likely to be very successful, but offering it as advice for real, actually living women is pointless. It's like advising a cat to show its owner more loyalty or a dog to refrain from over-eating just because the dog food bag has been left out open. Good advice, but it's never going to be followed.

Anonymous said...


Thank you for the link.


I think saying never is too severe. I wrote this post in response to a direct question I was asked and have given this same advice to a woman in real life recently. Do I think it's going to happen often? No. Is it something that some women can do and need to hear? Yes. In a general sense, Vox's advice is far more practical. But for women who already do what he says and are looking for more ways to support their husbands, this is it.

~ Stingray

deti said...

here is what a supportive wife looks like:

Godspeed, Grerp

Anonymous said...

And yes, I realize that, sadly, "in a general sense" is probably well more than 90-95% of women today.

~ Stingray

Daniel said...

I dunno. Probably 75% of the women I know would find this advice helpful, 50% would attempt to follow it, and 25% would be able to stick to it.

That is what I would call good advice.

Robert What? said...

You can't "not fear". But you can do what you believe is right despite the fear. As John Wayne said (apocryphally?): "Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway."

Brad Andrews said...

We have to aim at the ideal or we are certain to never hit anywhere close to it.

Just go live in a hole by yourself if you only want to look out for yourself.

Anonymous said...


Those numbers are encouraging. Thank you.

Robert What?,

I disagree that one can't "not fear", especially if one is Christian. It is possible but it takes faith in God and complete trust and respect in the husband.

This is "saddling up" for a wife and it also makes the other battles far easier.

~ Stingray

David said...

"It's somewhat counterinstinctive, as a wife is probably going to find herself less attracted to an unemployed husband, but his stress levels are going to be high and nothing reduces stress like sex. "

Few things are a bigger confidence booster to a man down on his luck than this. It's relatively simple: don't nag, don't fret, and don't withhold affection. It's not a wife's place to worry about the finances, her job is the home.

Feather Blade said...

It's not a wife's place to worry about the finances, her job is the home.

Just out of curiosity (and as a general question, not necessarily related to her treatment of her newly jobless husband): under this paradigm, how does the wife do her job if there is no money?

Unknown said...

My wife became my person job search secretary during my three job searches while we were married. She would copy and paste previous answers into applications at lower tier employers, she would organize things, she would look over and suggest fixes for my letters of introduction. She even played around with possible interview questions and answers with me too. An absolute amazing response on her part actually.

Other job search advice:

1. Never work for a company that will be bought out by the French. I mean really, who loses to the French after Waterloo?

2. Never take a job at company that interviewed you in a room with a two foot wide hole in the drywall. Your job will not be secure.

3. Just because they say they have great insurance now does not mean they will be keeping it in the future.

4. If your soon-to-be-boss forgets himself and uses the term, "porch monkey" in during your interview, it might just be because he has early onset dementia.

5. If the person who is hiring you is planning to leave the place in two years, be very careful about taking that job. You won't have any say in what kind of idiot they hire to replace them.

6. Don't anger the untouchable cancer survivor employee, even if they make impossible accusations about you. Just apologize for almost running them over while you were talking on your cell phone, even though you don't actually own a cell phone.

7. If someone has already made ridiculously impossible accusations about you, object to them being assigned to evaluate you if there is any other person available for the job.

Geez, I've been stupid before.

liberranter said...

Letting go of the fear is good, but a basic recognition of reality is also desirable. 

The first is doable for most women, if they find sufficient motivation and incentive. The second is a far taller order.

SarahsDaughter said...

Feather Blade,
Sex is free. Not nagging or fretting is free. Respect and loyalty are free. Cutting unnecessary spending is free. Having a rummage sale makes money. Donating plasma makes money. Asking her husband if he'd approve of her asking neighbors or church families if she can babysit for them or clean for them etc makes money. Intermittent fasting saves money and is very good for you. When the thousands of ways to save money have been exhausted, then she can concern herself with what to do after she's had sex with her husband without money to do it.

Anonymous said...

under this paradigm, how does the wife do her job if there is no money?

Most likely there is still some money available. It's best if mostly through good financial planning, but even without savings there is unemployment compensation, food stamps, and other welfare programs. When my husband became disabled several years ago, we were able to maintain a good lifestyle just based on his excellent planning including savings and other income producing investments without turning to welfare.

A wife really should always keep in mind what expenses can be cut immediately without greatly impacting the family. New clothes, entertainment, hair & nails salons, cable, expensive cell services...are the first things to go. If you have growing children, shop at the resale store - you can find great stuff there. The grocery bill can be cut greatly by avoiding pre-made foods and junk food. I learned when exploring a government site that I feed my family for less than what is considered a poverty budget yet we still eat steak with a bottle of wine every week! Stocking up on food and household goods is a great savings plan - it's better than cash in the bank. Buy what you use regularly in large quantities when it goes on a lowest price sale. Start doing this while you're husband is employed an then continue doing so in bad times when you can. Yes - I have purchased 300 can of tuna and 100 rolls of toilet paper at a time! Go to the park instead of a movie. Go to the library for books instead of purchasing them. Stay away from the mall and the TV advertising and pretty soon you won't even know what stuff you're 'supposed' to be lusting over.

These suggestions will go a long way to keep your family feeling secure and your husband feeling hopeful. Don't complain about what you can't have and what you can't do. Find new things to do as a family for free or minimal cost, set the table nicely and have good meals, have friends and family over for hot dogs on the grill or a potluck, keep the home organized and stay positive. Attitude will have more to do with the feeling of having a good lifestyle than how much money is spent doing so.

Unknown said...

To confirm what some of the women are saying: if you want your husband to go out and conquer his challenges, the best thing you can do is fuck him as often and enthusiastically as possible. Treat his cock like you can't get enough of it, and talk to him in and out of the bedroom about how he fills you up. Give it a squeeze when he goes off to interview in the morning -- properly drained, of course -- and tell him what you're going to do to it when he gets home. (And for cripes sake, I don't mean as a quid pro quo or a reward, like a blowjob for every 5 interviews. You just need his cock in you and miss it when he's gone.) Act like you did when you first started sleeping together -- or if he's your Beta Bucks guy, then act like you did back with your Alphas. And yes, fake it if you have to.

In short, if you make him feel like a Big Swinging Dick at home, you'll help him be one out in the world, and he'll be more likely to succeed.

There are other things you can do that certainly help: don't nag, have meals ready, keep the house clean, save money where you can. But making him feel like your prized stud should be your top priority.

David said...


What SD and Cail said.

liberranter said...


Amen, sister!


Oh, how blessed be the beleaguered beta provider whose wife successfully pulls this off (no pun intended)...

Feather Blade said...

Thanks for the concrete advice all. I appreciate it.

Anonymous said...

Amen to CC and SD's comments. These should be status quo features of married life, regardless. A woman is always a worker at home, maintaining a well-run and frugal household, providing income-earning from home as her husband sanctions and routinely implementing cost-saving strategies. Having strong physical attraction is great when initial bonding is happening, but most of us long-term wives know that loyalty, devotion, and trust create and build attraction. The quality of one's sex life is a choice, not a feeling. A marriage can survive dry spells and come out stronger than in the beginning when partners remain committed to building up and supporting one another.

LP2021 Bank of LP Work in Progress said...

Stringrays example is positively saintly. God will change this situation and turn it to good.

Shimshon said...

I lost my job a couple of months ago and I pretty much got this treatment as described from my wife. knew there was a but, right?...if you are not her Alpha, you severely diminish the likelihood of this style response to your job loss.

Trust said...

I had to chuckle when hearing that a wife finds her husband less sexually attractive when he's unemployed.

What a better world this would be if women found unemployed men they aren't married ti sexually unappealing as well.

Ditto that for drunks, thugs, criminals, and other parasites.

Anonymous said...

Shimshon - I don't believe that or anything else you say until I get my ten bucks you owe me, Mr. Alpfha.....


Shimshon said...

Jourdan I will happily buy your belief! I sent an email to kevinv90638, which I saw you post recently.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Shimshon, I was just joshing with you. Your clear serious offer to pay up is sufficient for me, it wasn't about the money anyway. It was more about convincing fellow right-wingers to thing a little bit differently about the nature of the enemy and the scope of our challenge. You are an honorable man, sir. /salute.

Anonymous said...

When I was unemployed, it gave me more time to go around sarging and more time to spend with women. A married man needs to have the same attitude.

Regarding money - why do women need so much money? If marrying a wife doesn't save money on net, then you married the wrong woman.

Anonymous said...

One strategy is to look for a woman who marries you whilst you are unemployed, or are else working 'odd jobs' and really not offering a woman any financial security at all.

deti said...

"during my three job searches while we were married."

very telling.

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