Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Alpha Mail: dynamic sociosexuality

TB had two questions:
1)  In your opinion/to your best guess, is changing sociosexual tendencies (omega/gamma to delta, delta to beta) something akin to homosexuality where it'll be something a person will struggle with their whole life, trying not to fall back into their old rank yet being very tempted to?  Or is it something closer to 'if you're still tempted to do old rank stuff, you haven't quite left it'?

2)  You are of a very different temperament than I.  Regardless, it may be very instructive for me to ask, in your experience how does one deal with a fear of the unknown
Because we are shaped by our experiences, and because those experiences do not disappear simply because we have new experiences, there is always the danger of reverting to previous patterns of behavior. Sociosexuality is dynamic, situational, and relative, so sociosexual rank is neither a life sentence nor carved in stone.

As far as dealing with a fear of the unknown goes, in my experience, the only way to successfully eradicate fear is to face it. When I was young, I quite reasonably shied away from contact on the soccer field. I was half the size of the defenders guarding me and I wore glasses to boot.

It took several years of heavy contact martial arts to shake that instinctive fear of contact, but directly confronting it worked very well. It worked so well that now I'm moderately notorious in our veteran's league for physically punishing defenders; it is a rare game that I don't leave two or three defenders on the ground as a result of challenging me for the ball.

Brian Billick gave the best advice anyone has ever given on confronting fear.

"When you go in the lion's den, you don't tippy-toe in. You carry a spear, you go in screaming like a banshee, you kick whatever doors in, and say, 'Where's the son of a bitch!' If you go in any other way you're gonna lose."

21 comments:

Dystopic said...

"When you go in the lion's den, you don't tippy-toe in. You carry a spear, you go in screaming like a banshee, you kick whatever doors in, and say, 'Where's the son of a bitch!' If you go in any other way you're gonna lose."

Truth. It's less entertaining than your own example, but for me this was learning how to do Hill Starts with a manual transmission car (yes, most of us cushy Americans cannot drive standard). Anyway, I kept trying to find the right balance of gas when engaging the clutch. Usually I just stalled it. And the only hills around here are the steep freeway offramps. Not a place you want to get stuck. People are honking at you, riding your ass so you have NO room to roll back -- it sucks.

Finally I just pretty much floored it and dumped the clutch. No tiptoeing or trying to find the perfect amount of this or that. Turns out, when on a super steep hill, that's pretty much what you're supposed to do. Problem solved.

Bodichi (0031) said...

@DYSTOPIC

Your example is hilarious because so many people probably remember that. I know I hated hill starts with a manual, and if people were behind me it made me angry.

Bravo

PhantomZodak said...

"a person will struggle with their whole life, trying not to fall back into their old rank yet being very tempted to"

i think this is true. as a former nice guy. my first instinct it is to be empathetic & pleasing. i have to be in my head a lot of the time to make sure i am not that way with my girlfriend. i make sure to not text my girlfriend right away & sometimes re-write them. i now rarely apologise, but that is now easy as i never do anything "wrong" anymore. i also don't ask her what she wants to do or eat. i just decide. that is because i've learned that it's pointless to ask a girl. so a combination of reasons for the new rank behaviors, but certain situations are reflex & have to be fought.

Titus Quinctius Cincinnatus said...

One thing I *can* tell you - VD is going to make an awesome Kappa when he gets older.

Krul said...

Back in Afghanistan, I developed a habit. Whenever I was scared to do something I nevertheless had to do, I said to myself, "The answer to fear is courage. It's not an easy answer, but it's the only answer." It didn't diminish the fear, but it stiffened my spine. Helped me to act in spite of the fear.

I found since then that generally, my fear of a thing is ten times worse than the thing itself turns out to be. It still doesn't stop me being afraid, but it spurs me to break through that initial paralysis.

sigbouncer said...

Another well thought out and written fear quote from an ex NFL coach that can be applied to game.

"Accept false steps as opportunities to learn…it’s one thing to hate failure; it’s another to fear it." – Bill Parcells

macengr said...

Or, for the more cerebral....“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

BT said...

Is there a way to temper the *instinctive* reaction to fear, however?

What I mean to say is, that period of time between when the fear hits and when your mind takes control over again, how can that be altered?

If it were a fear of a singular thing it seems like it'd be a rather simple thing to do some sort of immersion therapy, eventually the instinctual response would be muted... but a fear of the unknown seems quite different.

In a more direct manner of asking, I wish to stop quailing in fright instinctively when I'm caught off guard by a new situation. How do I fix this?

SciVo said...

@BT:

Travel. You probably won't have to go far; there are probably tons of places in day-trip range that you've never been to. Make novelty itself ordinary.

Subversive Saint #249 said...

Fear is the mind killer

sigbouncer said...

BT said... "In a more direct manner of asking, I wish to stop quailing in fright instinctively when I'm caught off guard by a new situation. How do I fix this?"

-

Tape this to your refrigerator at home and somewhere visible that you frequent a few times a day in your place of work. Read it several times each day until you know it and believe it.

"I relax and enjoy life. I know that whatever I need to know is revealed to me in the perfect time and space sequence."

LP 999/Eliza said...

Fear is not that needed fears are often circular and repetitive if not addressed. It was not good behavior on my part but I go into the henhouse throwing chairs, forget objectivity, only cold force makes the divas stop to back up.

If they test me, sorrow is their outcome mine is asking forgiveness from God.

BT said...

While pondering over the advice given so far, I've come to realize that a lot of what I was believing to be a 'fear of the unknown' was instead simply a fear of failure, coupled with the assumption that things are going to go wrong.

A fear of failure, I can understand and overcome, albeit with work.

Hazim said...

As a believer I find that I don't even flinch at sudden, unexpected events. As if the reflex is gone. I've reached an age where solid experience has taught me that the Spirit is the best reflex. He reveals what is necessary before I could formulate it, and I just do it. It happens most often in conversation, but it applies to sudden impact physically as well.
So, of course, when it comes to great and looming unknowns, it becomes natural to do my diligence and trust the outcome to The Holy Spirit, or El Ruach, as I call Him.

SciVo said...

@BT:

In that case, I recommend Dr. Amen's stuff on stomping out ANTs (automatic negative thoughts). It has seemed to make a big difference for my dad, and he was 70ish at the time, so it's a trick that can even be taught to old dogs.

Jack Amok said...

A fear of failure, I can understand and overcome, albeit with work.

The way to overcome fear of failure is to fail. And survive. Remember what John Wayne said about tomorrow.

"Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday."

Even if today was a failure, tomorrow will still arrive perfect and give you new opportunities. Make the most of today that you can, but if it just isn't working out, smile to yourself about tomorrow and go to sleep thinking about what it will bring.

SciVo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BT said...

Thank you for the advice, everyone.

JP said...

Jump into an ice cold swimming pool. Go bungie jumping. Go to a boxing gym and get punched. Anything where you're likely to hesitate for fear of what's to come and just immediately do that thing. After a while you'll start jumping in with both feet in other situations too. Chicks aren't that scary once you've jumped off a bridge or got hit in the face.

aeolipera said...

Take very cold showers for as long as you can stand. This simulates the stress response to fear and hardens your psyche against the feeling of being overwhelmed.

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