Holiday survival guide

It's Christmas Eve. The round of parties are reaching their climax and the gift-giving is about to begin in earnest. It may be helpful, therefore, to consider the how to approach the social aspects of the celebrations from a socio-sexual perspective.

If you are a man:

1. Remember that the women are putting in a lot of work and are feeling a lot of stress. This is not the time to remember things at the last minute or lament how things were done differently when you were a child. Avoid throwing curve balls.
2. Don't tell her to relax. She's not going to do so anymore than you are during a hard fought basketball game. Holiday-hosting can perhaps be best understood as a competitive sport for women, even if the only competitors are in her mind.
3. Ask her if there is anything you can do twice per day, once in the morning and once in the afternoon. Simply having someone willing to run out to the store once or twice, if necessary, can save considerable time and reduce tensions.
4. Pour yourself a glass of wine as soon as it gets dark. Offer her one. She'll probably need it.
5. Don't let her get away with snapping at you or anyone else. The objective is to be helpful and considerate, not a doormat.
6. It's Christmas. She cooked it all. After dinner, pour the wine, put the game on in the kitchen, and clean up.
7. Don't get bent out of shape if anyone accepts gifts with all the good grace of an entitled welfare queen. Just smile and be content in the knowledge that next year, you can achieve exactly the same results for one-quarter the cost.
8. Save the receipts. Enough said.

If you are a woman:

1. Try to remember that it's a celebration, not a competition, and the world will not end if a particular dish is not served or something doesn't go exactly the way you planned it.
2. The only person who can ruin the holiday for yourself is you. In fact, the only person who is likely to ruin the holiday for everyone else is you. Don't be that woman.
3. If someone is taking pictures or video, just smile. Drawing additional attention to yourself by complaining and protesting looks far more ridiculous than your bedhead or lack of makeup does.
4. It's Christmas. This is not the time to maximize the amount of familial drama or attempt to take center stage.
5. Sit down and take a deep breath from time to time. Remember the story of Martha and Mary. No one is watching in admiration and awarding you martyr points.
6. If you need help, ask for it. Don't wait for volunteers.
7. Save the opinion editorials when you open a present. Don't explain why it's not quite what you wanted or why it's almost perfect. Be gracious. Smile and say thank you.
8. Red lingerie. Enough said.