Thursday, March 8, 2012

Of sluts and sexual insecurity

Glenn Reynolds ponders the question of why sexual liberation has also increased female sexual insecurity:
The political reaction to “slut” was opportunistic, of course, but it worked with a lot of women because — apparently, even in this age of sexual liberation and “slut pride” — women are still somehow deeply affected by charges of wanton and undiscriminating sexual behavior. This might even account for the importance of the contraceptive issue, because mandated contraceptive coverage may be seen as representing not just a modest monetary benefit, but also perhaps some sort of societal validation. I would have thought that a strong independent woman wouldn’t need a stamp of societal approval for her choices, but apparently I would have been wrong. I leave it to the evolutionary-psych folks to work out why the “slut” charge retains such power in liberated times.

Apparently, however, it is especially wrong to “slut-shame” even though lefties feel no compunction about shaming people regarding other personal choices — from not recycling to owning an SUV to, worst of all, being a Republican. As I say, there’s something more going on here. And if the “shaming” part of slut-shaming isn’t bad, because shaming is fine in other contexts, then it must be the “slut” part.

There’s a very real kind of sexual insecurity underlying this, it seems to me. Very odd, after so many decades of liberation. Perhaps some of the ev-psych bloggers will comment.
There is no need to resort to the ESS fairy tales of evo-psych, as Game suffices to explain the phenomenon that Instapundit is observing. Freed from the cultural restraints of a civilization that prioritized marriage and child-rearing, women were "liberated" to pursue their hypergamous, serially monogamous instincts and politically empowered to legally enforce their instinctive desire for resource security.

However, such changes don't happen in a vaccuum. As the sexual marketplace changed, male behavior also changed. So, not only are there fewer men now deemed marriageable, but those fewer men face significent negative incentives to marry. As per the law of supply and demand, the "price" of a husband of even moderate socio-sexual rank has gone up due to the decline in the supply.

One of the most highly valued aspects of a wife is a low N-count. This is instinctively preferred by most men, and indeed, there is considerable statistical evidence that such women make for higher quality wives who come with considerably less risk of divorce. So, as the percentage of divorces increases, the importance of wife possessing a low-N count increases in line with it as a statistical indicator of fidelity. We haven't reached the point where virginity is a requirement, but the trends are generally pointing in that direction.

This means that for a woman to receive the slut label, she is also being served with a quasi-death sentence for her expectation of marrying a man with high socio-sexual status. Indeed, it reduces her chances of any marriage at all. This is why women with even a moderate amount of sexual experience, almost without exception, will lie about the true extent of that experience. They feel justified in doing so because their future lifestyle, as well as the lifestyle of their theoretical children, often depends upon it.

I estimate that a slut designation reduces a woman's marital rating between three and four points in men's eyes; it's roughly comparable to her being 30 pounds overweight. In other words, a slut who is a perfect 10 is probably just a little more attractive as a wife than the average woman, which means that she isn't going to be seriously considered as a marriage prospect by the high-rank men who would normally be her natural counterparts. The problem is that a slut designation doesn't reduce her attractiveness as a short-term sexual partner, it probably increases it by one or two points instead, so many young women who aren't initially looking to be married happily throw themselves into Alpha-chasing and ride the carousel for a few years only to be upset when they subsequently discover they will probably have to settle for marrying men of lower socio-sexual status than the men whose attentions they had been previously enjoying.

66 comments:

Zorro said...

"Glenn Reynolds ponders the question of why sexual liberation has also increased female sexual insecurity:"

Because women want to screw like rock stars, but don't want anyone knowing how their odometer is racking up. They want it to be a secret, because they know that reputation will diminish their sexual options.

Oh, and they also want to go sperm shopping as they please after marriage. That's also on the hush-hush.

Anonymous said...

What I don't understand about the whole slut thing is why these women think we all have to validate their sexual decisions. I'm all for women being able to fuck whomever they want. I can't control them, and I don't try. Do I agree or condone the behavior? No. Would I engage in the same behavior? No. But it a choice we all have to make, I think.

If a woman chooses to sleep around then its her right. Its also a mans right to say he doesn't want to marry her because of it. Men and women are very much entitled to judge them negatively because of it. They can't control how other people feel about promiscuity.

I myself am not attracted to men who sleep around, but I know they'll all do fine for themselves anyway. I have a very low count and it stay that way. I have not urge to sleep around as I would feel cheap. If other women derive pleasure from it, then by all means they should do it. Im not supporting it though. I'll openly state that to anyone who asks.

If people are so proud of their behavior then why do they hide it? If a woman is so comfortable with her promiscuity then why lie about it? We are products of our pasts. A promiscuous woman is a risky bet. In my mind though, so is a promiscuous man. (I know the research, but I still dislike men who sleep around as well)

Anonymous said...

The odometer is visible if you look to the corners of their eyes. High mileage women can't fix that, even with surgery. Wonder if it has to do with being an Oxytocin junkie...

As for ratification... most of the left liberal social revolution is about ratification. The best example of it is in the gay rights movement. Tolerance isn't enoughl, equal rights isn't enough. They want to be approved of and in a lot of instances praised as superior. So too pretty much any group of radicals. They feel guilty about the good things they know in their heart of hearts that they are destroying. It isn't easy to kill a conscience, but if you can force people to praise you loudly enough, you can't hear its dying cries. Female carousel riders aren't the only ones that have a rationalization hamster to feed...

Daniel said...

It is almost identical to taking on student loans for a high-end degree in women's studies.

It should be no surprise that people who make costly economic choices early in life...are likely to make other costly economic choices early in life.

Debts you can't pay off or write off, but only pay, are brutal.

swiftfoxmark2 said...

A log of this stems from the entitlement mentality, of which women are much more prone to especially when they are not married. A large part of the entitlement mentality involves an escape from the consequences of your actions.

By calling Fluke a slut, despite her short hair, it effectively meant that she was undesirable as a potential spouse. This was an offense to the entitlement-minded Fluke who probably hopes to get married once she graduates from law school. When she's in her early thirties and past her prime.

M said...

I think it is fine that men don't want women with high partner counts. But most women know this and simply lie about how many they've been with. Unless a woman is indiscrete about her sexual activity then men have no way of knowing. She can have her cake and eat it too. I don't think it is a good idea personally, but most of the sluts I know are married to high quality men.

Stickwick said...

... but most of the sluts I know are married to high quality men.

I know one such couple, and they are perplexing. One of my husband's hockey teammates is a very macho, handsome, well-built former NHL player who is now an investment banker. His wife is a stunner, but she's not shy about her experience -- she mentioned that she and her friends formed a "pussy posse" when they were young and single. I haven't been able to figure them out, but there are probably mitigating factors of which I'm not aware.

Vox said...

I know one such couple, and they are perplexing. One of my husband's hockey teammates is a very macho, handsome, well-built former NHL player who is now an investment banker.

If you look into it further, you will likely discover that her high N is but a fraction of his. As Susan and I have discussed before, there are two types of men who don't mind sluts. The Omegas and Low Gammas are happy for anything they can get. And the High Alphas aren't likely to be bothered if a woman has been with 15 or 20 men since 5 partners is a rounding error to them.

If she cheats, well, it's certainly undesirable, but then he gets the silver lining of replacing her with someone not only younger and hotter, but new. Which, of course, is one reason why she won't cheat on him the way she would on a lower-rank man.

Stickwick said...

Okay, that makes sense.

Incidentally, she told me how he was dating several other women while he was dating her, and she eventually won out, because she was the only one who didn't complain about the other women.

Ian Ironwood said...

I think its important to consider a woman's age and experience when evaluating her N-number. A 19 year old with a count higher than 10 might be trouble. But a 25 year old with a 10 (2 HS boyfriends, two 1 night stands in college, three college boyfriends, three relationships of a year or more) is reasonable. A 30 year old with a N count of less than 5 . . . I'd give a pass on.

Why? Because while N count is a good predictor of loyalty in a LTR, a low N-count, adjusted for age, is an indicator of a low libido or poor interpersonal skills in an unmarried woman. Virgins might be more loyal, but if that loyalty comes at the price of Victorian ideas about sex, for most men that price is too high.

I dislike slut shaming and think Limbaugh's language and behavior were ungentlemanly, at best. If a woman wants to ride the carousel, then she is self-selecting herself out of the marriage pool whether she likes it or not -- and some don't mind. Consider that there is NO word in the English language that positively denotes a sexually active woman (until MILF and Cougar came along) inside of marriage or out.

Women come in High Alpha, Alpha, Low Alpha, High Beta, Low Beta, and all the other flavors that men do, remember, and some of those are going to be far more inclined to rack up a big N. Just like the High Alpha males, they play their role in the sexual ecology. And most High Alpha females know precisely the consequences of their actions, and are willing to make an informed, calculated decision about how they spend their erotic capital.

But the problem is that the High Beta and Low Alpha women make the mistake that they can play on that level and still walk away with a high-ranking Hubby, and the fact is that when push comes to shove, they just can't deliver the goods. Just like a High Beta dude who straps on all the behaviors and accountremont of the High Alpha -- the car, the clothes, the watch -- to pick up a High Alpha woman fails when she finds out that he makes $35k a year, the High Beta female who invests in the behaviors and appearance of a High Alpha female to land a high-status husband fails when he finds out about her Spanx collection, her hatred of pro sports and lacy lingerie, and the fact that she lied about her fellatio addiction.

So the best advice you can give anyone is to know what you want, know where you're going, and "know your dealer" when it comes to your sex supply. Fooling yourself about who you are and what you can reasonably offer can have tragic consequences.

Besides, as Heinlein said, "Everyone lies about sex". But you shouldn't lie to yourself. If you're a woman, know that the N does, indeed, matter, regardless of your personal or political beliefs. So factor that accordingly.

M said...

That is interesting. All the sluts that I know lie about it. My college roommate slept with at least a dozen guys that I know of during the year that we lived together. Her husband has no idea.

Mike M. said...

I suspect that a high N count is equivalent to 50 lbs overweight, not 30. And you can't diet it off, either.

Anonymous said...

As Anonymous said...
The odometer is visible if you look to the corners of their eyes. High mileage women can't fix that, even with surgery. Wonder if it has to do with being an Oxytocin junkie...

Like the above commentator, I've found that I can accurately determine mileage by looking at the corners of the eyes, regardless of age or beauty.

Anonymous said...

Why? Because while N count is a good predictor of loyalty in a LTR, a low N-count, adjusted for age, is an indicator of a low libido or poor interpersonal skills in an unmarried woman

In my experience, most men who say this haven't slept with more than one virgin on one occasion. This may or may not be your case.

But I've started treating this statement and the "they won't know how to fuck" statement as nice-sounding boilerplate. My wife was a virgin; no issues with amount or quality. Again, from my experience, a woman's first time can be a little daunting to them, but if a man takes charge in the right way, she quickly relaxes and enjoys herself in any way she damn pleases.

MrGreenMan said...

Karl Marx was quoted in Marx & Satan as having said that his goal was to tie all of mankind together to one shared destiny, to reject his time in the priestly training, and to make a simple challenge to God - damn them all or damn none.

In the aftermath of Tiller, one of Tiller's nurses was quoted as having frequently reassured a number of women on the fence that one third of American women had abortions -- and asking whether it was possible that a full third of women would be judged and condemned by any deity, with the unspoken answer that -- of course not, too many people.

This is just a continuation of the idea that, if everybody is doing it, it's not possible for anybody in particular to get punished....right??

Daniel said...

That is interesting. All the sluts that I know lie about it. My college roommate slept with at least a dozen guys that I know of during the year that we lived together. Her husband has no idea.

He's got some idea. If the relationship is good, she's probably physically more attractive than he by a few notches. He probably isn't as wealthy as you would figure a woman who looks like her could have snagged.

There's obviously no benefit for him to acknowledge to her or anyone else the depth of her slutitude, so feigning ignorance is to his advantage.

He might be surprised by the actual body count, but if he really has "no idea," then she slutted herself down to an incredibly clueless and likely somewhat stupid and therefore limited spouse.

That's a possibility, but more likely, he realizes that discretion and "sleeping dogs" are both useful to his ability to project the highest quality spouse possible. It is to his social advantage to politely act as if he did not, in fact, marry a whore.

Should the relationship ever end the extent of his knowledge will be made very clear for the first time.

Until then, it benefits him nothing to acknowledge her history, and his "secret knowledge" of it probably gets him some unwritten but agreed upon latitude in the bedroom and/or his social relationships.

Der Hahn said...

Consider that there is NO word in the English language that positively denotes a sexually active woman (until MILF and Cougar came along) inside of marriage or out.

"wife" or "girlfriend" work just fine for me.

Natty Shafer said...

This article and most of the comments assume that Ms. Fluke is in fact a slut. For all we know, her number is below average. A completely monogamous woman has the same requirement for birth control.

Anonymous said...

The N-count only matters if the person is carrying emotional baggage from all their discarded relationships and starts unloading it on you.

Baseline is, if someone has had a serious relationship that has failed(or children for whatever reason), they are damaged goods, no matter what their gender or sexual orientation is. People never quite unbond once it's gone beyond a certain point, so a relationship with someone like that will never be as exclusive as it has to be for success.

Also, a high N-count can easily come about if the person has a habit of dropping matches that reveal themselves to be unsuitable immediately so they can continue their search for a life partner. As long as they've not bonded the N-count doesn't matter, perhaps you should rather call what your describe as a 'B-count' for bonding count.

Your genitals don't wear out, but your soul does...

Anonymous said...

"In my experience, most men who say this haven't slept with more than one virgin on one occasion. This may or may not be your case."

Quite agree. The idea that a virgin will not be good in bed is simply false. I did not want used when 'new' was available. I was fortunate enough to have options. It's quite nice knowing a woman has saved herself. - A rare thing these days.

blake said...

Actually, I think he immediately amended "slut" to "prostitute", on the basis of her demanding money for sex.

It was a reach. A trifle. Not really in the least shocking relative to demanding other people pay for your birth control in the first place even when they object to birth control in principle.

M said...

Her husband is a dermatologist. He makes a lot of money and is pretty good looking. She's pretty but she's not gorgeous. I think that they just don't know all the same people and she didn't tell about her past history so he has no idea. She's no dummy do I'm sure that she kept what she calls her "ho years" to herself.

I think that it makes men feel better to think that they can tell whether or not a woman has a slutty past, but quite often they have no clue.

Spectator said...

""In my experience, most men who say this haven't slept with more than one virgin on one occasion. This may or may not be your case."

Quite agree. The idea that a virgin will not be good in bed is simply false. I did not want used when 'new' was available. I was fortunate enough to have options. It's quite nice knowing a woman has saved herself. - A rare thing these days."

Also agreed, I am dating a girl who I was pleasantly surprised to find was a virgin in her mid 20s. It was a bit odd to think of at first for me honestly, since i'd assumed most if not all sufficiently attractive women after college age had ridden the carousel to some extent. Oddly she had even lied and exaggerated her N at first, I guess so as not to put me off knowing she was a virgin. However it turns out she has a pretty healthy sexual appetite and i'm more than happy to help her explore that.

I would agree with the commenter who stated that there's a big difference between lots of sex with many different guys and lots of sex with committed partners. It would be a bit melodramatic to say it degrades her soul to be promiscuous, but I would agree that sex with a succession of men who use her and care nothing for her would be harmful to a woman and make her more than a bit jaded. Sure the N itself would be unattractive, but the Cynical attitude that develops, such as assuming all men are the same as the ones she sought out or sought her out as a fling, would be what would kills her chances of a loving future relationship. NO guy would want to be with a woman with such an unpleasant tendency to project, or who shows a noted predilection for men who sleep with her without any caring for her at all. Most men are going to be fundamentally lacking in respect for a woman who shows herself as willing to be shown that disrespect.

7man said...

Not shaming sluts does not reduce the shame within sluts

Daniel said...

I think that it makes men feel better to think that they can tell whether or not a woman has a slutty past, but quite often they have no clue.

Oh, I think that's true - I don't think sluts walk around with a number on their foreheads.

I also think women think they won't out themselves eventually, even though, generally speaking, they do. The only husbands who remain ignorant over time are willfully so or measurably stupid.

There are good reasons for overlooking the history, as I mentioned - A dermatologist, you say? That's exactly the sort of position where being both aware and silent would be advantageous, if he were so inclined.

The problem is that, fundamentally, a person's past, especially a spouse's, is a reference point that provides the source of many references regarding their identity. Women can't compartmentalize - they rationalize. Eventually, the rationalizations conflict, and a window is shown on past relationships.

It's small things, too - old momentos, conflicting references ("a guy I knew" is 'accidentally' referred to as an "ex"),

If this guy has studied the human skin, you honestly don't think he's a) thought about his wife's biological past and b) investigated the readily apparent clues?

He's surrounded by nurses at work, many of whom will openly jockey for his attention.

His leverage, both with colleagues and with potential female attention, is in his silence. He doesn't need to let you or her know about that knowledge in the least.

I agree that not every man is aware of the score, and there certainly some who think they are aware, and are clueless. But it doesn't sound like Dr. Foxy Dermatologist quite fits that mold... He's a gentleman, with a good reason to be one.

Anonymous said...

I think that they just don't know all the same people and she didn't tell about her past history so he has no idea.

You could ask him...

m said...

Daniel-it is certainly possible that a slutty woman will out herself over time. But what good does it do a man to find out that he has married a slut after she is entitled to half the assets plus child support? He wouldn't have married her if he knew. Men marry sluts unknowingly all of the time. There's a blog written by a man wwnh.wordpress.com that actually encourages women not to share or to lie about their sexual past when looking to get married. Some of the commenters claim it works for them.

mmaier2112 said...

Anon @ March 8, 2012 10:00 AM

"Again, from my experience, a woman's first time can be a little daunting to them, but if a man takes charge in the right way, she quickly relaxes and enjoys herself in any way she damn pleases."

I have to agree. Barring any truly physical disfunction, I doubt that a woman that kisses like she means it before the engagement will have any real issues on the wedding night.

Anonymous said...

It may well be true are risky bets for marriage. But the thing is, those men tend to be more attractive to women than those men who are not so promiscuous. If it’s a matter of “marry the dependable and loving but kinda boring nice guy” vs. “marry the hot and exciting but risky alpha man-whore”, a lot of women will choose the latter.

Whereas for men seeking wives, low-N trumps high-N almost every time, unless the low-N girl looks like Chewbacca or something.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, first sentence should read "It may be true that high-N men are risky bets for marriage."

SarahsDaughter said...

It's been almost two decades since I've been with another man besides my husband, but, speaking as a slut, my husband was the first man I was honest with about my number. He was only the second man that would have had the discussion with me. My first LTR, I lied to, due to my own shame and a desire to start over. You can't start over.
Anon 11:24, you're dead on "Your genitals don't wear out, but your soul does..."
I am so appreciative my husband took the risk with me. I was lost, mortified by my own decisions. When I shared my number with him, I was at a point of knowing I wanted to be married to him and I'd rather find out at that time if my past decisions would hinder my ability to ever marry. His acceptance of my number may have had to do with his own sexual past. He was crushed by a virgin, that he wanted to marry, she cheated on him. He then slept with her sister (point/set/match), he then went down a road of sleeping with either married women or "taken" women, paying keen attention to what it took to have them. Single women were given a two week time frame to show him a semblance of intellect with their beauty before he moved on (many times still sleeping with them as he moved on). He was looking for a wife. My past was excused partly because of my age (19) and because of his understanding of why women cheat.

When conflicts arose, when we first got married, I would quit and want to run out - not really - I thought threatening to leave would make him succumb to my perspective. It didn't work. I knew I could be easily replaced. Once we started having children, a year and a half after getting married, things changed for me. There was a conviction in me to not have my own children experience what I did in life (divorce). He was also succeeding financially. He was in sales, I was staying at home. I started to get it that I needed to be the most attractive thing he saw in his day. I was jealous and insecure and he kept the "hamster" spinning.
The worst challenge to our marriage occurred three years ago. Looking back at it, I am so disappointed in myself that leaving him entered my mind. And again I was reminded that my replacement was out there. They (the replacements) are quite eager to proclaim their availability.
In a desire to fix our problems, I went to a psychologist. He completely agreed with me, offered no valuable advice, and creeped me out. My husband suggested I start reading this crazy, misogynist (my words, at first) blog (VP). Really, I'd like to tell you that my faith, relationship with God, profound books, and wisdom made the difference in how I deal with conflict. I'd be lying. It was because of men and women on VP speaking of logic and shaming the irrational nature of women that I began a journey to root out feminism in my thoughts and truly understand and accept the vows I made before God.
Now, I'm like an ex-smoker. Hell bent on proclaiming truth about the slut way of life and expressing the detriments that result from it.

Anonymous said...

"But what about the double standard?", they whine. "How come it's ok for men but not for women?"

Because men don't want to commit to someone who might cuckold them. Women don't have to worry about this but men do, hence the double standard. Being cheated on sucks for both men and women, but when there's a committed relationship with kids, men have greater concerns.

That said, I think sluts* are awesome. They just aren't long-term commitment material for me.

* For me, a high partner count is 8 or more by the age of 30, but I'm fairly traditional.

If you are a woman with a high partner count, not to worry. There are a lot of white knights out there who *say* they don't care and who probably will even marry you. They'll never truly trust you deep down inside, but you can always do the female version of pump n dump and get a nice settlement for you and your kids. Win-win girls!

For you guys who are a little smarter than the white knights: don't marry. You can still have kids without entering into a one-sided contract where everything is stacked against you.

(If you've done a lot of contract negotiations, you'll know that some of the most important parts and often biggest sticking points are about detailing what happens when the contract ends.)

Anonymous said...

"If you're in love with a whore, you ain't never listened to me" - Nate Dogg (1969-2011)

Daniel said...

SarahsDaughter,

You have been reading it wrong! Don't you realize that VP is supposed to make you feel horrible about yourself, is fascist in its desire to crush you, has bad intentions, and despises your gender? Pretty soon, you'll be threatening not to sleep with those misogynists!

Obviously, I'm kidding. That was a strong testimony. I don't think the tagline of Alpha Game is only hyperbole, either. I think it is that rare kind of hyperbole: the true kind.

Glad to hear of your growth and strengthening. Good for you.

Anonymous said...

Mommy Porn: 55 shades of Grey includes a very attractive,
21 year old virgin.

Virginity is coming back; non-virgins are sluts.
Fewer men will want to marry sluts if there are some virgins available.

Anonymous said...

At the risk of sounding stupid, what is VP?

Vox said...

VP = Vox Popoli. voxday.blogspot.com. No WWW.

Phronesis said...

Vox, I'm a long time reader, first time commenter. Your posts on game were an eye-opener from the moment I read your critiques of the double standard.

So here's my question: when a man is seeking a long-term relationship, you say a high N-count will lower a woman's market value by a significant amount, 3-4 points. How much would you say a low N-count adds to a woman's market value for a man seeking a long term relationship?

Lucas said...

SarahsDaughter,

Without being too personal . . what is your number?

Why did you do it?

7man said...

@SarahsDaughterI don't care

Just to make you smile!

Desert Cat said...

"The odometer is visible if you look to the corners of their eyes. High mileage women can't fix that, even with surgery."

Ok, dish. What's up with this? What do you see?

SarahsDaughter said...

Thanks 7man, it made me smile, regardless of how not true the song is. It does matter, and men do care. It stays with you for the rest of your life. You can not "revirginize." I am forgiven by Him, who matters. And the recurring guilt and shame is a tool of the enemy to undermine the power of His forgiveness. It is my own, self inflicted, life long issue to deal with.
I don't, for a moment, want to be accepted "for who I am" and have my indiscretions overlooked. I understand the real and deserved judgement.

Lucas,
Sorry, that is a bit personal. There are five people that know. It's disgusting.
Why did I do it...
A perfect product of feminism. Mom was messed up from sexual abuse in her past, Dad was a hopeless liberal in academia, caught up in the feminist lie. I was in daycare at four weeks, latch key kid at age six. My parents, after a couple of affairs (on each side) divorced when I was six. Mom had new men in her bed shortly after. Had a step dad...another divorce. I started smoking at church camp at age 11, sex started at age 12 along with alcohol and drugs. Sex was "just something you did." Mom kicked me out when I was 13 to go live with Dad (read, Mom with custody completely gives up on shallow attempts at parenting). I continued to smoke pot and go to bars with my much older step sister.
The most memorable disappointment of my Dad was this: at age 14, I was having sex and getting stoned with a local who was working for the traveling carnival. He worked the basketball booth. He dropped his wallet on our deck and my dad found it. The next day my Dad, while sharpening a hunting knife, asked me if I wanted to go play basketball (I played basketball at school). For one moment, I honestly thought he wanted to go shoot some hoops with me, for the first time...ever. I didn't even realize what the knife was about until we arrived at the carnival and he said, "point him out to me." After realizing how wrong I was (about Dad wanting to actually spend time with me), I told him he's too late to attempt this parenting gig with me. He shook his head, we went home and life as a slut continued. Bars, drugs, rock bands, nastiness. There was a numbness. I knew what guys wanted. If it meant one more night I wasn't alone, so be it. I knew plenty of girls in my situation that attempted suicide, I was way too curious of how life would turn out.
My mom was dying of cancer so I moved back to be with her. She died shortly after I turned 17. I was on my own. Dad didn't even suggest I come back to live with him.
I slept with a lot of men/boys to fill a void.
My Dad and I are very close now. Forgiveness is powerful, but... Dad's...don't count on that.

God's grace was always present in my life. At 13, I sought out a church without my Mom's knowledge and started a Confirmation class. I did the same when I lived with my Dad. Walked there on Sunday mornings, alone. I also, through it all maintained a 3.8 GPA, was asked to join the Honor Society and turned it down because I had to work at my job and didn't have time for it. I had many teachers and acquaintances that saw my life of degradation and attempted to help. I've never forgotten them. Many of whom I stay in touch with still today.

My Oprah story is finished now. :)

papabear said...

SarahsDaughter: May He continue to strengthen you!

7man said...

@SarahsDaughter
You understood that in the way I intended.

As I wrote in my blog post on sluts, the shame does not go away and must be acknowledged. Only after that is contentment even possible to find. It is not found in delusion.

Exposing shame to light lessens its power. We all have our path and our past experiences have made us who we are today.

Love, understanding and acceptance are great human desires, but will not be satisfied when a person projects a false self by deflecting responsibility for past behavior.

Kurt said...

This is a great quote:
"The problem is that a slut designation doesn't reduce her attractiveness as a short-term sexual partner, it probably increases it by one or two points instead, so many young women who aren't initially looking to be married happily throw themselves into Alpha-chasing and ride the carousel for a few years only to be upset when they subsequently discover they will probably have to settle for marrying men of lower socio-sexual status than the men whose attentions they had been previously enjoying. "

I see this happening quite a bit among white collar women who are physically attractive enough that they could have snagged a good man when they were in their late 20s or possibly even in their early 30s if they had been more savvy. However, many of these women were under the impression that their white collar salaries would more than offset their slightly above-average looks and wasted their physically prime years cavorting with men way out of their league who would never in a million years commit to them. Many of the female friends of my friend's wife are in their late 30s/early 40s and are like this and they are bitter, but they really have only themselves to blame.

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