Thursday, November 3, 2011

She is going to gamma hell

This expert on romance has the goods. I may have to revise one of my earlier statements. Not only would slapping a woman in the face then walking away be much more effective than the advice offered here, your odds would actually be better if you cut off her head with a chain saw then waited for her to rise from the grave one night and show up for some hot, headless zombie sex:
Write her a check for a million kisses.

Send her a birthday card EVERY DAY FOR A MONTH!

Send a special note with special flowers:
Tulip: "I've got two lips waiting for you."
Sunflower: "You brighten my life."
Forget-me-not: "Forget-me-not."
No doubt she'll be desperately hoping for poinsettas so she can gobble them up in the feeble hope of the Reaper granting her a sweet, sweet release from gamma hell. This is actually pretty good advice, however, if you want to get rid of a girl but don't want to take responsibility for the breakup.

I would also suggest trying to harmonize with yourself while singing "Only You" to her in a restaurant when you're out to dinner with her family. The more out of tune, the better.


Stingray said...

Some of those suggestions are actually for a woman to do for a man. If I did any of that stuff for my husband I think he might leave me. If he did any of that crap for me?! I think I would run away screaming in terror. What a nightmare.

Anonymous said...

Dude, those were excerpts from a book buy a GUY (I refuse to call it a man as it looks a bit like a Pat).

TLM said...

I think it was some stupid book about so-called love languages and filling the woman's emotional love tank when its empty with praises each day. My wife heard about it in church circles,big surprise there. I told her the only thing I'd be filling her tank with was my love juice. She laughed and never brought it up again. This was several years ago, but I still hear women talking about that nonsense a lot.

modernguy said...

It's funny because women will still dream about a Fabio type doing this kind of stuff, and clearly it's a fantasy with a lot of romance. Then they wake up to the real world with a dude trying to maintain his frame by wisecracking about filling up her tank with his love juice. And most ironically that's what actually works in the real world.

There is such a thing as romance, it just doesn't have a place in real life. Its trying to make fantasy reality where everyone gets tripped up.

Desert Cat said...

mg, the thing is, coming from a Fabio it probably would be seen as romantic. Remember that women don't want a "nice guy", they want an Alpha Stud to treat *them* nice.

Eric S. Mueller said...

Seanbaby (the author of that piece) has made it his personal mission to destroy that author. He's written several more articles on Cracked on books by that author alone, although he occasionally picks on other "3000 ways to do something cheesy" books as well.

Wendy said...

Five Love Languages is not a bad book. It basically just says that people feel loved in different ways and it really is pointless to try to make people feel loved in a different love language - like giving a guy 30 birthday cards...when his love language is physical touch. And yes, love languages go both ways, not just making wives feel loved.

It kind of goes along with what Athol Kay suggests about having some beta (but not too much) in a long term relationship to balance out the alpha. And of course, a wife showing love to her husband is no bad thing either.

JRL said...

Wendy makes a good point...the 5 love languages can be a pretty helpful tool, especially since we tend to project our desires onto others.

JCclimber said...

I have never heard my wife complain that I might buy her flowers once or twice a year. But it is never around her birthday, Valentines day. Maybe our anniversary a couple times.

I told her a couple times if she wants some dead but pretty plants slowing dripping their parts onto our dining table, to go buy some arrangement that she likes. I'll even change the water a couple times, if I remember...

I guess flowers aren't in her love language.

JRL said...

I don't remember all 5 off hand, I tend to focus on the ones that don't cost money...physical touch, words of affirmation and physical touch. I suspect she'd add one or two my list if she could, luckily for me she's the stoic type.

Anonymous said...

Vox, the only one that can get away with singing Only You is that conniving schemer Sgt. Bilko.

Seanbaby is full of win, and has been for years and years.

LP2021 Bank of LP Work in Progress said...

Hilarious gamma hell, some women live in a place of suspended growth, making them eternal teenagers if not children. Clinically, its called a complete disconnect from reality.

Cards, who sends cards these days?

Wendy said...

The five are:
Physical touch
Words of affirmation
Gifts (not necessarily bought)
Quality time
Acts of service

Some women just don't understand that most (if not all) guys' primary love language is physical touch because yes, people tend to project their love languages onto other people.

And one wonders if the gamma hell books author is getting kickbacks from Hallmark.

TLM said...


Not sure what the frame reference is, but if my wife, or anyone for that matter, is gonna throw me an easy one right over the plate, I'm gonna knock it out of the park. She should have known better than to use that verbiage.

Susan Walsh said...

This post cracked me up, so I clicked through in anticipation of much more laughter. Instead I cringed. The most alarming thing is that these books sell.

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