Thursday, November 10, 2011

Game set to music

Athol translates the lyrics:
See we’ve been getting on
So good so far for so long
No, you never hurt me
No you never gone and done me wrong
(Lots of Beta, I feel so safe.)

I know that something just ain't no good
But you always do exactly what you should
(But I'm a little bored.)

So tell me?
How do I let a good man down?
How do I let a good man dow-ah ha down?
(I love you, but I'm not in love with you.)

You got to believe me
I didn’t mean to find nobody else
I don’t wanna hurt you but I gotta do right by myself
(It just happened... over 40-50 hours of chatting on Facebook.)

You make me happy but he gives me thrills
You give me comfort but he gives me chills
(His Alpha makes me wet. You're nice.)
Now, being possessed of a more than generous helping of Dark Biad, I've never been what you would call naturally inclined towards BETA behavior. I've never really understood men who are upset for extended periods of time over women who leave, for the obvious reason that if a woman doesn't want to be with you anymore, she doesn't want to be with you. In most circumstances, a woman who doesn't want to be with you will make your life a lot more miserable than it would be if you're completely free to do whatever you want all the time without concern for her or anyone else.

Seriously, how can that possibly be deemed an intrinsic net negative? I'm not saying that it can't be painful when a relationship ends or that some degree of regret might not be in order, but you have to admit that being completely free to do whatever you want all the time without concern for anyone else is pretty damn good compensation.

Then again, I suppose the opportunity cost equation might look a little different to the non-narcissistic. Or perhaps one reason women tend to leave men they find boring is somehow connected to the lack of interests possessed by said boring men. Anyhow, the key is to understand that happiness doesn't ultimately derive from other people, being an intrinsically subjective thing means it ultimately has to come from within.

Perhaps the wisest thing Spacebunny ever told me was that I could not make her happy. It's her responsibility, not mine. And my happiness is not her responsibility either. In a relationship, your responsibilities concern your commitments to one another, not the futile task of actively managing the dynamic state of the other's feelings.

14 comments:

Nolo Promittere said...

"So tell me?
How do I let a good man down?
How do I let a good man dow-ah ha down?"

She could tell him not to worry - when she gets pregnant and then gets dumped, she will be back - after all, he would make a better father anyways.

Desert Cat said...

Then again, I suppose the opportunity cost equation might look a little different to the non-narcissistic.

It depends upon the way the narcissism manifests. From my understanding, narcissists derive a lot of their sense of self-worth from the people they've dragged into their orbit. And of course for non-narcissist non-alpha, it is also about external validation. Losing that from a primary relationship can be a crushing blow.

Anyhow, the key is to understand that happiness doesn't ultimately derive from other people, being an intrinsically subjective thing means it ultimately has to come from within.

This is indeed key, and if it is not fully realized in one's life, is a worthwhile area of "inner game" to pursue and master.

Anonymous said...

"In most circumstances, a woman who doesn't want to be with you will make your life a lot more miserable than it would be if you're completely free to do whatever you want all the time without concern for her or anyone else."

I understand that, and that works just fine for the single man but but if you are married and "what about the children"?

In a marriage relationship one could be fine walking away or having their spouse walk away.
I honestly can say I would be fine if my spouse made good on her threats. I've told her as much. But I also have concern for the children. Time and time again, the studies have proven that divorce hurts the kids both long-term as well as short-term and then the kids are not alright.

When a relationship has turned into a struggle, if you will, a fight even for control and who leads in the relationship, the person who cares the least will win.

Much as you know VD, the person who cares the least, in a physical fight, will usually be the one to win.

So how does one not be seen as caring too much while still caring?
Or is that even a worthwhile goal?


I will say though that since I have started to tell her that I will be just fine if she leaves, she brings it up only very rarely now.

The LP 999/Linda said...

That how happiness works for some of us but for others they fall to pieces, write more love songs, pine for years and have regrets.

The LP 999/Linda said...

Haha, Nolo.

I'd go with asking him for money. Pregnancy and cash have a way of making even strong men weak in knees.

rycamor said...

So how does one not be seen as caring too much while still caring?
Or is that even a worthwhile goal?


Begin by doing the right thing and not caring whether she likes it or not. When there's a struggle between spouses, kids or money are always involved (either as a cause or symptom). If she's spending money she shouldn't be, cut off her access to the funds, return useless items she has bought, cancel subscriptions etc... If she is feeding the kids too much junk food, throw it out and make them a good meal. If she pitches a fit, just make food for the kids and let her fend for herself. If she loses her cool and does anything mildly abusive with the kids, coolly remove her from the scene and tell her that this is unacceptable, and you will deal with the problem until she calms down.

Ignoring bad behavior, and rewarding good behavior is a necessary tool. Being unflinchingly secure in the propriety of your own behavior is the other tool. Men have been taught to second-guess themselves over everything these days, but generally a family man wants what is good and positive for his wife and children. There is no need to feel guilt over this.

Also, if there are those typical little favors you have been doing her over the years that she has grown to *expect*, ceasing those favors when her behavior worsens is a good way to send a message without saying a word.

Secondly, as VD said, there is absolutely no way you can make a woman stay by caring more, so why try? Just do what is right and don't apologize. If she leaves you anyway, your behavior will have been an example for your kids to look up to for the rest of their lives. And your wife might just start remembering your stalwart behavior a little wistfully. There's always another chance.

Vox said...

I honestly can say I would be fine if my spouse made good on her threats. I've told her as much. But I also have concern for the children. Time and time again, the studies have proven that divorce hurts the kids both long-term as well as short-term and then the kids are not alright.

What about them. Have you not yet learned that "for the children" doesn't help at all? They should have no bearing on your actions regarding her in the slightest, for the obvious reason that motivations do not salvage sub-optimal behavior.

It makes no difference if you're being a push-over for the sake of the children or if you're being a push-over because you're a cringing gamma. The effect on her and the end result will be the same.

NateM said...

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/stop-pressuring-women-marry-arent-many-good-men-172900109.html

Something to chew on, today's hamster morsel

The LP 999/Linda said...

Yay, I have blog content.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, how can that possibly be deemed an intrinsic net negative? ... but you have to admit that being completely free to do whatever you want all the time without concern for anyone else is pretty damn good compensation.

Ah, Boomery.

salt

Vox said...

No, Boomery is the art of refusing to acknowledge that relationships infringe in any way upon doing do whatever you want all the time without concern for anyone else.

They believe in behaving that way regardless of whether they are free to or not. This is an important distinction.

Anonymous said...

How could man survive sans the completion of his halved being by the better half of god's creation...or so say some.

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