Sunday, January 31, 2016

A mystery worthy of Agatha Christie

Who, oh who, could possibly have killed the American au pair in Vienna?
The family of 'murdered' nanny Lauren Mann have said they are outraged by the theory that her death was the result of 'a kinky sex game' gone wrong. The theory, which was put forward by Austrian police, was slammed in a statement released by Lauren's sister Ashleigh Doutis, 30, yesterday in which she described it as 'sensationalized'.

The 25-year-old was discovered by police in her apartment in Vienna on Tuesday, half-naked and lying face down on a mattress in a 'considerable amount of blood'.

An autopsy found she had been suffocated but toxicology tests are now being carried out as well to help determine whether she was murdered.... Lauren is thought to have been killed at some point over the weekend and was discovered in her Wieden apartment with a sweater over her head.
Then, after no less than 38 paragraphs, this little tidbit of information is slipped into the story.
Along with the sex game gone wrong theory, police are hunting a Gambian illegal migrant who was believed to be sharing her studio apartment at the time of her death. His right to stay in Austria had expired.
Yes, it's a complete mystery. Where is Hercule Poirot when we need him?


Anonymous said...

And at the end - history doesn't repeat itself, but it rhymes:

"The sex game theory has parallels to the investigation into the death of American artist Ashley Olsen in Florence earlier this month.
She was found in her Italian apartment and had been strangled with a USB cord.
At one point police said they believed it was a sex-game gone wrong, but illegal immigrant Cheik Tidiane Diaw, who is charged with her murder. told officers he strangled Olsen after the pair had sex when she told him he had to leave because her boyfriend was coming back."

Dexter said...

At first I thought it was this story:

It is so hard to keep the "clueless Western skank murdered in Europe while mudsharking it up with an immigrant" stories straight...

pdwalker said...

It's a mystery. It'll probably remain unsolved. It certainly couldn't have been the didindu.

Rek. said...


Leo Littlebook ID:16216229492837658552 said...

The black immigrant is a red herring.

The real culprit is PATRIARCHY.

Which permits unsupervised women to bang underclass criminals, y'know.

Joe A. said...

38 paragraphs in. I'm surprised that little tidbit of truth showed up at all.

R Devere said...

To all white chicks out there: JUNGLE FEVER! Catch it!

But remember, mudsharks gonna "shark"! And no "daddy" is gone be there when that goes down! You already made sure of that.

YIH said...

From the link:
Today, Lauren's brother-in-law Justin Doutis, 31, told Daily Mail Online that the Colorado au pair would 'never' have got involved in anything like that.
Let's see, grainy faceberg pic, manjaw, stringy hair, tat on wrist, living with Dindu Nuffins, a Gambian 'refugee'.
She found Mr. Goodbar. I'm wondering about the claim of a 'considerable amount of blood'. suffocation typically causes little or no bleeding.

Anonymous said...

If you bring home bix nood, the ending is rude.

Anonymous said...

a Gambian illegal migrant who was believed to be sharing her studio apartment

who else was "sharing her apartment"? because if it was just the Gambian? yeah, she was fucking him.

which makes this just another "oops, fun time went a little too far", like that stupid chick in Florida who did a one night stand with a dindu and told him to put a gun in her mouth and pull the trigger.

only the dindu forgot that pulling the mag does NOT empty the round that's still in the chamber.

YIH said...
I'm wondering about the claim of a 'considerable amount of blood'. suffocation typically causes little or no bleeding.


Matamoros said...

As the Darwin Awards said, these are people too stupid to survive who thankfully remove themselves from the gene pool.

"Nominees significantly improve the gene pool by eliminating themselves from the human race in an obviously stupid way. They are self-selected examples of the dangers inherent in a lack of common sense..."

CostelloM said...

Why don't we just turn around and sell these mudsharks already? If they are going to throw their lives away messing around with dindus can't we at least make a profit off of it? It isn't like Mr. dindu is going to treat her as anything other than property anyway - so lets just embrace this and at least make some coin.

Anonymous said...

This is a good time to ask for some advice, seriously:

When I was in college, I fell hard for a girl I worked with. I soon found out that she only dated/had sex with black guys. I stopped pursuing her and moved on, though we remained work friends. Now, years later, she is back in touch with me and from the pictures I can see that she is married to what looks like a good European-American man, but I'm sure he has no idea, none whatsoever, as I can't imagine a man putting up with that. I'm 90% sure I shouldn't tell him anything, but, on the other hand, it burns me that some white women get away with this.

Yeah, now that I'm writing this it's obvious: don't say anything.

I just feel really bad for the guy because someday he's going to find out.

Gordon Freece said...

She died doing what she loved.

I should go on Twitter and start a black knight feminist campaign hyping coal burners who paid the final toll as brave, fearless slut heroes who courageously gave their lives proving that women can achieve any goal they can imagine (no need to spell out explicitly just how pathetically limited their imaginations are).

Memes and such. #IAmLaurenMann #ProudSlut

liberranter said...

"clueless Western skank mudsharking it up in Europe with an illegal immigrant"

Somebody's gotta invent a simpler verb for this (like "felching" back in the 90s).

Noah B. said...

Reminds me of the Kercher killing in Perugia in 2007 (the one Amanda Knox was arrested for). "Kinky sex game gone wrong" must be Eurospeak for "another murderous feral African killing a white girl."

Aeoli Pera said...

Then, after no less than 38 paragraphs, this little tidbit of information is slipped into the story.

I figure there's a point around 15 paragraphs where you realize you aren't really a journalist.

Unknown said...

Dindu Nuffin!

Ben said...

Update: it was the Gambian, also a rapefugee:

pdwalker said...

Liar. It was obviously the work of the cismale patriarchy.

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