Monday, October 28, 2013

Fresh sheets are HOT

Let this be a lesson to you. Don't listen to scientists. Listen to rock stars and athletes. Seriously, why on Earth would anyone pay any heed to what scientists, or worse, social quasi-scientists, have to say about what turns women on? Like they know! Here is what they believe to be women's top ten sexual turn-ons on the basis of their methodology:

1. Losing weight
2. Fresh bed sheets    
3. Winning a sum of money       
4. Night out with the girls  
5. Hot bath
6. Work night out or work Christmas party
7. A new hair do 
8. Having makeup applied 
9. Workout at the gym       
10. Closing a deal or completing a major task at work
Here is a good test for if you are an instinctive BETA: if you read this list and thought, "you know, I could change the bed sheets and draw her a hot bath!" And conversely, a good test for if you are an ALPHA: if you read this list and thought "I don't see how that's possible, since I had sex with three women here since the last time I washed the sheets."

(Women know to be dubious of satin sheets, but the ones that should really set off alarm bells are black cotton ones. You can just about slaughter a pig on black sheets and it won't show.)

The Masters of Game know what turns women on. First, the chemical cocktail of ovulation. Second, displays of fame, power, and money. Third, arrogance and social dominance. Fourth, height and a strong, fit, male body. Fifth, good hair and handsome facial features.

Notice that sensitivity, respect, and fresh bed sheets are nowhere to be found on that list.


Anonymous said...

This list explains how gammas get laid. A woman finds out that she lost ten pounds, so she does a vigorous workout to keep it going, then rewards herself with a hot bath and a new hairdo. On top of that, she happens to be ovulating. Now she's so turned on that she jumps the bones of the gamma who's been begging for her attention, either because he looks better to her in this pre-tingled state, or because she's too worked up to go to a bar and stand around waiting for an alpha to strike.

The gamma's mistake would be in thinking that the hot bath made her horny, so he can replicate it; while the truth is the hot bath was really a symptom. She ran herself the bath because her emotions were already running in that direction.

Eric Wilson said...

I thought this post was going to be about women doing laundry being hot.

Anonymous said...

Second, displays of fame, power, and money. Third, arrogance and social dominance.


tz said...

That's why they have to be cotton, so you can use a higher dryer setting since you have to wash cold and can't use bleach on black sheets, but fresh out of the dryer they are hot.

Ephrem Antony Gray said...

Personally, I read the list and was like, "Dang, I wish we cleaned the sheets more often."

Not in reference to arousal, just... in reference to sheets.

#10 is not totally off. As they say, HOT COFFEE IS ONLY FOR CLOSERS

rycamor said...

Clean sheets should be a turn-on for a husband, though. They're a good sign wifie's at that ovulation/nesting phase and ready to rock. Sure, afterward she'll always complain "my fresh sheets!" but that only means it was... good.

Anonymous said...

I've worked with a number of Russian emigres. Their technical skills are excellent, but the gaps in their knowledge of world history is huge. And not just huge, but often shockingly wrong. To their credit though, most of them understand they were fed an inaccurate view of history by a Russian education system more interested in propping up the system than the truth.

Why shouldn't a man believe this? It's all he's ever been taught. It's exactly what his wife, friends, pastor, and mainstream relationship experts tell him to do. They're really no different than soviet school-children. They were fed a pack of lies to prop up the system.

Anonymous said...

Thus explaining why motel sex turns women on.


Jill said...

These are the things a woman does to be attractive, and not the other way around. Do you think I would sleep/have sex in a disgusting, grungy bed? Not in this life! That's why I skipped the whole dating game and married young. I have 100% control over the sheets. Now, some well-meaning people have tried to (esp in the early years) to give my husband romance advice and have told him directly, or through me, that he should be doing [fill in the blank for me such as drawing a bath], and he has always turned up his lip contemptuously and informed me or them that I was perfectly capable of doing that myself and had been doing it ever since before we were married. At first, I was mildly irritated by his lack of deep, romantic caring. Now I'm glad for his complete inability to take romantic advice from anyone. He would be crossing a line into my area of control.

Anonymous said...

its funny how true cliche can be.

those who can do, those who can't teach.

mina smith said...

"Be handsome, Be attractive, Don't be unattractive"

Laguna Beach Fogey said...

Tonight it'll be four.

The biggest risk after the first one is that successive girls will catch a whiff of her perfume on sheets and pillowcase.

Dexter said...

Many years ago an acquaintance of mine said something along the lines of "I am going to buy a new bed and new sheets to increase my chances of getting laid."

My response was, "Do you really think a woman is going to get as far as your bedroom and then change her mind because you have and old bed and old sheets?"

tz said...

@LBF, just suggest in passing an aromatheraphy candle, and light it. Assuming you can deal with the stench, it is the olfactory equivalent of black sheets. Red LED lighting is also helpful and saves energy.

Not that I would engage, as I'm looking for a trophy wife, but if she ever threatens post matrimonial vows, such will be in the context of taxidermy. Perhaps with antlers added. Gamma jackelope anyone?

Anonymous said...

Thus explaining why motel sex turns women on.

You think they change the sheets in motels?

But fresh sheets leading to sex? Why, of course...

1 - here sweetheart, put these fresh sheets on the bed so we can get them dirty.
2 - wait, before you put those fresh sheets on the bed let's get the old ones extra dirty.
3 - hey, take those fresh sheets and see if you can wear them like a Roman toga. Here, let me help you...
4 - It'll be another twenty minutes before the fresh sheets are out of the dryer. Wonder what we can do in the meantime...

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