Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving

How the various socio-sexual ranks spend their Thanksgivings:
Alpha: If married: Wife makes fabulous Thanksgiving dinner at his home. Watches football. Has somewhat careful sex that evening after a third helping of pie. If single: invited to five different Thanksgiving dinners, shows up for three of them. Brings the prettiest single girl from the second dinner for pie to the third one.

Sigma: If married: Wife makes fabulous Thanksgiving dinner at his home. Watches football. Has somewhat careful sex that evening after a third helping of pie. If single: Forgets there is a holiday, wonders where everyone is, goes out for Chinese by himself and picks up sad Asian waitress with violent tattoos.

Beta: Wife/girlfriend makes fabulous Thanksgiving dinner at his home which is filled with her relatives. Watches football. Assumes wife/girlfriend is too full for sex.

Delta: Has Thanksgiving dinner with wife/girlfriend at wife's relative's house. Watches football at relative's house. Wife/girlfriend claims to be too full for sex.

Gamma: Has Thanksgiving dinner at parents' house. Is invited over to female friend's house for pie afterwards, brings bottle of wine, is devastated when she greets him warmly and ignores him for the rest of the evening in favor of some guy he's never seen before. Thinks football is lame. Goes home alone.

Omega: Thinks Thanksgiving is lame. Thinks football is lame. Plays COD:MW3 for 14 hours.
But whoever we are, however we stand, we all have something for which to give thanks to God. Today is the day to remember that, no matter how hard life is treating you.

8 comments:

IndyGuy77 said...

You can trade pretty girls for pie?

Dude! I have to try that some time.

ThirdMonkey said...

How would you categorize a married guy who, instead of having SWPL turkey/ham, smoked some ribs, watched football, and has careful sex during half-time?

An Unmarried man said...

Or a Sigma specimen who still ate dinner with his parents, ex-wife and son :)

I'm home alone now. The bliss.

Anonymous said...

"You can trade pretty girls for pie?"

Cheesecake for pie is a Like-Kind Exchange as defined by IRC Section 1031. Note that the exchange must be reported using Form 8824, and that while the tax on the exchange may be deferred, odds are good that you will end up paying for it one way or another.

Trust said...

If you happen to be a financially stable beta or delta with a fiance or a girlfriend who wants an engagement ring soon, you'll surely have sex after pie and probably at one other point earlier in the day.

Ah yes, the wonder of the modern american woman.

IndyGuy77 said...

"odds are good that you will end up paying for it one way or another."

You ALWAYS end up paying for it one way or another.

@ ThirdMonkey: I love me some ribs, and wouldn't mind some careful sex but I still have to stick with the good old turkey.

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