Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Literally not sleeping together

This fellow argues that sleeping single in a double bed is a sure sign of trouble:

"Is there another room in the home which provides for a more natural setting for a couple’s intimacy than their own bedroom and particularly their bed? Just walking into another person’s boudoir makes me uneasy, it’s their sanctuary and their holy of holies, and not for random strangers. The bedroom is where lives are made and secrets told. There are few other places where a couple can be so open with each other or where they can more freely enjoy each other’s affection and sensuality. It’s a place where couples can reconnect and where they can fall in love again and again. If the bedroom is love’s temple then the bed is it’s shrine.

It was also unsurprising that these same couples who slept in separate rooms had virtually no sex life to speak of . Without the ability for closeness with his wife, a husband will find other places for his passion such as his job while her desire gets stifled or redirected towards the children. If allowed to continue they soon can become so disconnected emotionally and spiritually they may as well be strangers and any impression they might give of being the happy couple is only by sheer luck or to intentionally throw others off the trail.

I’ve often wondered what these men thought as they moved into their guest bedroom with suitcase in hand, what was going through their mind? Did they offer to fix the problem? Did they ever attempt to even change her mind? Or were they too busy returning emails or catching up on the latest scores to even bother thinking about it, because ignoring seems much simpler than dealing with the real issues in the relationship? Or maybe he was just satisfied that doing so would shut her up for a while.
I’m convinced of few stronger signals that a relationship is in serious jeopardy than when couples stop sleeping in the same bed together."

This follows what I've seen as well, though I doubt most men are "too busy returning emails or catching up on the latest scores to even bother thinking about it." That's blue pill thinking. Men know something is wrong but don't know how to fix it.

I knew a guy who was tall, broad-shouldered, proud, and aggressive in public. He was older but fit. His voice filled the room and he'd slap you on the back, then lean in and share a confidence in your ear like you'd been friends forever. You'd assume he was a solid alpha, or at least a very confident beta.

Until you visited him at home.

The children had moved out some years before. His wife, an overweight and bitchy woman who ran a very successful business catering to the rich, ran his life at home. He would cringe and hunch over when she came into the room and complained at him about something. It was the strangest transformation you could imagine. Dr. Heckled and Mr. Pride.

They had a beautiful house in a beautiful neighborhood. Nice cars. Nice stuff.

But they had separate rooms. He once half-apologized to me about it in a fumbling way. "You know, as folks get older, sometimes they just start to go their own way, so a few years ago she let me have this room..."

On the wall of his room were pictures of classic guns, sports memorabilia and other masculine accoutrements.

Yet he slept there alone.

Late one evening we were talking and he got talking about his marriage. He told me he was afraid. Afraid of being alone.

Yet he was worse than alone. His wife despised him.

What if he'd said "no" when she told him to get his own room?

What makes a "tough" guy turn to mush around his wife?

Why would he even stay?

Tell me what you think.


Keef said...

Great question Lee.

I’m not married but my mother and father have been happily married for 33 years and they have never gone to bed angry with each other.

I didn’t even realize the writer of the piece had to make an argument about sleeping in separate beds. Seems obvious that it’s a very bad symptom for the health of a marriage.

Tarrou said...

Seen it a million times. Some of the toughest, baddest, meanest motherfuckers in the world get bullied by fat ugly idiots they were stupid enough to marry. They know how to engage in conflict with other men. They don't know how to win with women. They expend all their effort on the wide world, and expect that to win them points at home. It is worth nothing. It's a whole different war.

MichaelJMaier said...

Piss on that. My wife doesn't want to share the bed, her ass can go to the couch.

Eric S. Mueller said...

I think not knowing how to fix it is the key. When I was still married to my ex-wife, I had no clue how to make things better. I knew things were disintegrating over the years, but I had no way to improve it. I tried everything. All the churchian marriage books and seminars and "love your wife as Christ loved the church (along with the churchian interpretation of that)" did not help. They just made it work.

Toward the end of the marriage, I discovered game, and realized I'd been doing things wrong from the start, so no wonder my ex-wife didn't respect me and eventually came to despise me. Plus, I'm convinced she is a narcissist (as Anonymous Conservative defines them), which didn't help. I've gotten remarried, and what I learned from game and how to be an actual man (not a beta churchian) has made this a much better marriage.

Ron said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anchorman said...

He was raised with the understanding that if he did his job, he'd have an appreciative wife and a good marriage.
He's done his share and yet - almost the exact opposite happened.

So, he has to abandon the wisdom of people he admired - likely his parents. he has to turn his back on things he's told himself for decades.

He can't reconcile why all his efforts haven't paid off.

So, it's easier to just accept he someone caught a bad break, but has to continue to hold up his end of the deal/narrative he was sold for decades.

It's easier for a guy who was told, "Sacrifice for your family" to accept misery if it means the family stays intact.

Keep in mind, he may not have been this way when single, but he felt the cultural pressure to "Delta up" when he married.

How to help? He needs to unplug. He needs to taste the bitterness of the Red Pill, work through the pain, and come out the other side. But there's no guarantee he'll take the pill.

Jew613 said...

Few women start out awful. Many men remember when their wife was someone they loved to be around, and they want to return to that but dont know how. So they cling to the hope that somehow things will turn around. Plus most men know they will lose all their material goods in a divorce. Though that is better then having your soul crushed by a wicked woman.

Days of the Broken Arrows said...

"Few women start out awful."

Actually, quite a few start out awful. We're just too blind to notice when we're 21 and they're 19 with firm breasts and muscular legs. It only starts to look awful when the looks change but the personality remains the same. I can't tell you the times I've witness awful behavior from older women and my first thought is "She still thinks she's 19."

GhostOfReason said...

Meh, I get up early, she lets my 3 YO sleep in bed. It's convenient. We still rendezvous often. Besides, I prefer to sleep peacefully.

SQT said...

As long as you don’t have a spouse that snores like a chainsaw there isn’t a good reason not to share a bed. The best part about getting older (married 20 years this year) is that you can afford a nice big bed so you both have all the space you want.

Artisanal Toad said...

"He can't reconcile why all his efforts haven't paid off."

That's it in a nutshell. He never got trained, never got the good scoop.

On a parallel track, the proper way to rear children was lost generations ago and what we have today is a travesty. Children need 3 things: Training, Discipline and Tying Heartstrings. It's a three-legged stool and collapses without all three. Additionally, there is a correct time to do certain things and if those things are not done at the correct time, they may never be accomplished. The best book I know of describing how to do this is "To Train Up A Child" by Michael and Debbi Pearl. The additional volumes of "No Greater Joy" are all compendiums of letters and answers about TTUAC.

If you google that, you'll see the incredible femminist and SJW rage against the book and the authors. I used their techniques to raise my children and the difference between my cheerfully obedient children and my disobedient, bratty nieces and nephews was so apparent that it caused problems at family reunions.

It's the same with marriage. "The Rational Male" series and the original "Married Man Sex Life Primer" should be required reading for all men. Both of those have one serious flaw, inasmuch as they're written from an evolutionary viewpoint in which God has no place. That's important because the Bible perfectly describes all the important issues and a serious study of Genesis 2 and 3 provides the answers. I've been writing about that for years, but churchians are outraged by what the Bible actually says and doesn't say, which wildly conflicts with their doctrines.

The toxic doctrines of "servant leadership" and "mutual submission" are false doctrines when applied to the husband-wife relationship. Women want a king, not a servant. The context of every passage in Scripture regarding wives and submission is Genesis 3:16, "he shall rule over you". God does not change.

"So, he has to abandon the wisdom of people he admired - likely his parents. he has to turn his back on things he's told himself for decades.

Yes. The false doctrines entered the church some 1500 years ago and it's only gotten worse. Hit the gym, grow some muscle and lose the fat. Learn game. Join a dojo, learn to fight and fight regularly. Take a hard look at career and finances and get that straightened out. Build your own kingdom and rule it well.

Jed Mask said...

This is a sad situation he in that many men can relate to.

For the brothers in Christ out here: let's *PRAY* for this man and if any of us are nearby him, we can give him godly counsel and advice on helping him in this situation with his wife.

God Knows what needs to be done here; man won't really "help" in the end. Amen.

~ Bro. Jed

Bob Loblaw said...

It only starts to look awful when the looks change but the personality remains the same.

Or her personality actually does change because she doesn't care if you're happy any more.

Also, some guys train their wives to be harridans. If you always knuckle under when she badgers you, and only then, what's the message you're sending?

Anchorman said...

Let's remember that a lot of us are looking at this from an unplugged/Red Pill perspective and, depending, we've moved through many or all the stages to get to the other side.

Guys in the BP world have their ears beaten with messages from Marriage 1.0 dads, Churchians, etc to stay in line, "happy wife/happy life," servant lead her to the bedroom, etc.

So, yeah, some guys may appear to be creating their own harridan. But they may be getting a barrage of BP messages telling them that they're doing the right thing.

It takes patience and putting yourself back in those shoes if you were in that position. The world won't be RP'd in a day.

Anchorman said...

There are some guys on the RP side who complain that some sites are full of angry, whining men. That's one of the stages, especially for guys who went "all in" with what the Churchians told them would please God and please their goddess.

Some guys stay angry at the lie they were told. Some most to accept the inter-sex relationship as no different than the sun rising in the east. Expect it, plan for it, use it to your advantage, but never kid yourself that you can change it.

Rex Little said...

In my early 20's I knew a guy like the one Lee described: dominant among men, meek and submissive toward his fiancee. No idea what their marriage is like, or if they're still together; I haven't heard from him in 45 years.

As for sleeping apart, I suspect that's usually a late symptom of a broken marriage. By the time my ex moved into a separate bedroom, we had had virtually no sex for 10 years. Even then, she only changed rooms because she wanted privacy for late-night texting with her boyfriend. (Not the reason she gave at the time, of course.)

Robert Browning said...

You are wrong. This guy is very tough. The is as tough as nails. He took an oath. He mad a promise. And no matter what hell or torment his wife put him through this guy is going to keep his word to the day he dies and stay loyal and true.

Anglican said...

My parents stopped sleeping in the same bed in their seventies. Dad had restless legs and would about kick mom out of the bed at night. Mom snored loud enough to wake the dead. Even so, they were still loving and physically affectionate with one another until dad died.

SQT said...

@Magister Woods That’s nice to hear. My in-laws (same age group) are in separate bedrooms and basically live like roommates. My FIL won’t divorce because he doesn’t want to give up the house (he’s had many affairs over the years) and my MIL is too weak to leave. It’s kind of sad but it’s the situation they choose.

Unknown said...

He let her be dominate at home, don’t do that.

I think you answered your own question, fear, he turned to mush over fear.

I tell my boys, key to life, love Jesus, marry well, and everything else will work out (I’ve also told them to marry a girl slightly too small and girlish when she is young, you will thank me in your 30s and 40s).

Maybe she is an evil miserable bitch and gained the upper hand when the children were young and never looked back. If he is afraid of being alone now he was probably also afraid of a broken family back in the day.

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