Losing Out By Putting Out

Over at Hooking Up Smart, I've got a post up in response to a female reader who had sex the first night she met a guy, and would now like to go back to square one and "not be that kind of girl." With the same guy. Fail. Unfortunately, I believe her dilemma, as well as her misguided notions, are very common among young women today.

When Putting Out Means Losing Out

It's not rocket science

A female commenter at Athol's place highlights why men should seldom pay any attention to female advice on dealing with women. In response to Athol's post on the problem some women have in getting their overly indoctrinated men to fuck them rather than make sweet, soft, and gentle love to them, the commenter recommended - I kid you not - "literal verbal consent". After all, that worked so very well for everyone at Antioch College.

"I would like to touch your breasts now. May I proceed?

Yes, you may."

Hot stuff!

I would suggest a slightly different approach! I believe in discussion, negotiation and literal verbal consent when trying something new within a relationship, especially with regard to sex. The negotiation itself can be fun!..mmm...you can't make someone into someone they are not. However, I believe most people would truly enjoy sex more if they could really let themselves go and men hold back so as not to hurt their partner, so perhaps that is the first place that I would start if I wanted more vigorous, passionate assertive sex.

Or you could simply tell him "fuck me HARDER" at the appropriate moment. Throw in a moan or two and you'll get what you're after. Nice guys who can still recall Sex and the City should recall that it was nice little Charlotte, not Samantha, who declared that sometimes a woman just wants to get pounded. All women have an inner slut to one degree or another, so really, the only decent thing is to oblige her on the occasions when she wants to let it out. Even if you're a man who genuinely doesn't go in for that sort of thing, take one for the team. You might even learn to enjoy it.

And women, keep in mind that the simple phrase "I want you to fuck me" is usually a more effective turn-on for men than any amount of lingerie, scented candles, and power ballads combined. If you don't believe me, just try it out. I realize that women tend to dislike such a direct form of communication, but does six simple words really seem more painful than hours of "discussion, negotiation and literal verbal consent"? Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a man and his wife making tender love to express the depth of their heartfelt love for each other. It's nice. It's lovely. It's even beautiful. The world is unquestionably a better place for it.

But it's no substitute for the sort of sex you can still feel the next day.

Know When to Fold 'Em

Americans are raised on a plethora of proverbs like "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." Persistence is valued as a great virtue. Of course, we've all experienced too much of a good thing, as anyone who's had a stalker can tell you. W.C. Fields said, " If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."

Recently, I learned of a guy who's been interested in a young woman for a while. Only recently has he become emboldened enough to pursue her. Trouble is, she's sorta kinda still got lots of drama with an ex, and isn't really available in the way he would like. Plus, she is not attracted to him. This has all become clear to him as he has witnessed her out with her ex, heard that they're still fighting/hooking up, and confronted her, only to be rejected outright.

His response to this situation as described over beers with a mutual friend?

"I'm not giving up, I'm going to keep trying. I'll get her."

When is persistence a bad thing, a creepy thing, a thing that makes you look and act like a tool?

I was only eight when the Beatles exploded onto the U.S. scene. I played their records on my tiny phonograph and dreamed about Paul. That summer I organized a neighborhood karaoke contest (yes, I was an attention whore even then). I chose to perform the B side of She Loves You, a 1963 song called I'll Get You that remains one of my favorite Beatles songs, even though it was never a hit.

Oh yeh, oh yeh.
Imagine, I'm in love with you,
It's easy 'cos I know,
I've imagined, I'm in love with you,
Many, many, many times before.
It's not like me to pretend,
But I'll get you in the end,
Yes I will, I'll get you in the end, oh yeh, oh yeh.
I think about you night and day,
I need you 'cos it's true.
When I think about you, I can say,
I'm never, never, never, never blue.
So I'm telling you, my friend,
That I'll get you, I'll get you in the end,
Yes I will, I'll get you in the end, oh yeh, oh yeh.
Well, there's gonna be a time,
Well I'm gonna change your mind.
So you might as well resign yourself to me, oh yeh.

Charming, even noble, but is it good advice?

Eric Barker wrote about persistence, and throwing in the towel in Can Being a Quitter Pay Off?

"The notion that persistence is essential for success and happiness is deeply embedded in popular and scientific writings. However, when people are faced with situations in which they cannot realize a key life goal, the most adaptive response for mental and physical health may be to disengage from that goal."

Scientists followed 90 adolescents for a year, and kept track of the physiological effects of unattainable goals. Kids who refused to quit had higher concentrations of an inflammatory molecule C-reactive protein (CRP), which is linked to bad stuff like obesity, smoking and depression.

Don't make yourself sick longing for something you will never have.

Talking to Strangers

Of everything I have done to learn game the cold-approach is still the hardest. It seems like so much work for so little return. While I have got a few numbers from talking to random cute girls not a single one has resulted in a date. Despite this I have come to the conclusion that the cold-approach is one of the most important things a man can do to learn game. Nothing exposes deficiencies in your social skill set faster than talking to a random stranger. When you are in a social setting with people that like you, most of the time they will be willing to overlook your social gaffes, and will work to maintain the good feelings. Strangers are not so generous. By default, talking to a complete stranger is an uncomfortable experience, even more so when it is unexpected. This means that even small mistakes become glaring, and big mistakes end the interaction immediately. But without the ability to see your mistakes, it becomes very hard to make any improvement. Thankfully, even a small number of approaches will expose them.

My biggest weakness is conversation. I cannot talk to women without it feeling forced and awkward, if I am able to talk at all. My mind simply crashes. This fact has become my amygdala’s go to excuse to keep me from approaching. I know that I will not be able to say anything to keep conversation going so I rarely try to initiate one. This is not like approach anxiety that I can just push past it. If I have nothing to say things end very quickly. Just plunging in and hoping for the best does not do much either. I am too focused on regulating my anxiety to free my mind up for creative spontaneous banter. Adrenaline is not exactly meant for relaxed conversation. The fight or flight response tends to slow higher brain function and I am left with my default programming: awkward silence.

However, when I do sleight of hand this problem rarely comes up. Currently I have about ten tricks in my arsenal. I have done each trick so many times that I can do them automatically, freeing my mind to talk and explain what is happening. I am relaxed and confident because I know that should I make a mistake I can abort the trick and move on to another one. I have a safety net. I have realized that I need the same thing when I am not doing magic. For this reason I am turning to conversational routines to get me past my lack of ability.

With a routine you are free to take risks. If you try something that does not work you can fall back to something that does. Both comedians and magicians do this. If a new joke does falls flat the comedian will follow up with a sure-fire joke to recover the audience. If a magician makes a mistake he will abort the current trick for a new one. Knowing the routine by heart also frees you up to work on other, more subtle things. You can check your body-language, watch for IOIs, plan your next move, or mentally prepare for the next routine.

With practiced routines you become free to be spontaneous. Successful improvising is not a result of randomness and guessing. Rather, it comes from practice and you must first know the routine before you can practice it. Unfortunately, you will not know if the routine will work unless you first test it. Instead of creating an original routine, find one on the manosphere that has been tried and tested. Once you have found one that you are comfortable with, the challenge is bringing the routine to the point that you can execute it with little effort. You do not want to memorize the routine word for word as that wold be counter productive. You want to focus on the interaction more than the exact words. In this case rehearsal is better than memorization. To rehearse, write the routine down. As you write, mentally walk yourself through what you will do. Describe your thoughts and feelings as you go through this imaginary approach. The point is to practice the interaction while you are not under pressure. You are training your mind to react correctly when the pressure is on. Try to think of as many outcomes as you can. It is important to put the routine on paper as it removes any ambiguity in your mind. It is also easier to correct your mistakes when you have something concrete to refer to. After you go out and try the routine you can refer back to the original, record mistakes, and tweak it.

None of this is meant to make you completely comfortable with talking to strangers. If you were completely comfortable you would not need game. The idea is to give yourself the tools you need to take yourself to the edge of your comfort zone and stretch your limits.

The man with no Game

A few days ago, at my other blog, I wrote a post in response to a plain jane scientist having a very public conniption over the fact that a shop clerk had deeply offended her by telling her she was too pretty to be a scientist. She wasn't. But my favorite response was a remarkably clueless one from a white knight in shining gamma armor named Qindai:

Wow. You guys are asshats. Enjoy the virginity.

Now, I don't know with any degree of certainty that "Qindai" is an Asian scientist, but it is clear, even from such a short statement, that the poor man might as well be because he has no Game whatsoever. As anyone who reads this blog surely knows, it is not the sort of men who leap to defend women and treat them with great solicitousness who are sexually attractive to women, but rather the "asshats" from whom these intrepid male defenders are trying to save them.

One would find it much easier to feel pity for these Gameless gammas, except for the fact that they are so self-righteous about their delusions.

Game and Weinergate

Andrew Klavan notes the unfortunate obvious:

I blame women. No, really. Women — by which I mean each and every single member of the female gender — you know who you are — need look no further than themselves to explain why Weiner-types behave toward them in this fashion. We men are always hearing complaints from women about how badly we treat them, what pigs we are, how pushy and abrasive… on and on. But what these same women conveniently fail to mention is that this stuff really works on them!

Charles C. Johnson writing about Weiner’s johnson at Big Government reports that the media has long described Weiner as “a lean, mean dating machine,” who has “a bevy of babes surrounding him,” wherever he goes. In other words, this guy has been cleaning up in the romantic department. Arnold Schwarzenegger didn’t seem to have any trouble getting dates either. Neither did alleged serial rapist Dominique Strauss-Kahn of the IMF. Chicks dig these creeps!

No doubt it will sink the spirits of many women out there and crush the romantic, white-knighting hearts of many a gamma. But the harsh, observable reality is that young women are more favorably impressed, in the sexual sense, by a man who tweets pictures of his wang to them than a man who writes them poetry or sends them flowers.

And women are MUCH more likely to make themselves sexually available to a complete jerk who practically drools as he shamelessly and inappropriately hits on them ala "the Great Seducer" than a man who is circumspect and genteel in his approach. One may not like this, but one cannot reasonably deny the observable facts of the matter. Nor can anyone claim that Roissy didn't warn them.

Loyalty is not hot

I found this exchange in the comments at Badger's to be particularly illuminating:

“How do we know whether or not our exes are genuinely interested in getting back with us, or just want a P&D?"

If, when they approach you about getting back together, they come across as confident, desirable, sexy and having their shit together, then they probably just want a pump n dump. If they come across as needy, desperate, undesirable and basically just a wreck, then they are probably serious and really miss you.

"Hah…so it’s a no-win either way."

This is a revealing insight into the female mind. The fact that the man cares about her and is genuinely interested in a relationship with her is completely outweighed by the way he carries himself in front of her. This is why all the romantic gestures and vows of eternal love tend to avail the average delta and gamma so little. Women find loyalty to be a positive trait in men, they simply do not find it to be an attractive one.

The way women initially view loyalty in men is rather like the way men view a woman having an impressive degree or a good job. It's nice and perhaps even worthy of respect, but it simply has nothing to do with whether one is going to find her attractive or not. That doesn't mean that a man's loyalty isn't valued once the relationship starts, only that it isn't going to somehow convince a woman to be attracted.