Talking to Strangers

Of everything I have done to learn game the cold-approach is still the hardest. It seems like so much work for so little return. While I have got a few numbers from talking to random cute girls not a single one has resulted in a date. Despite this I have come to the conclusion that the cold-approach is one of the most important things a man can do to learn game. Nothing exposes deficiencies in your social skill set faster than talking to a random stranger. When you are in a social setting with people that like you, most of the time they will be willing to overlook your social gaffes, and will work to maintain the good feelings. Strangers are not so generous. By default, talking to a complete stranger is an uncomfortable experience, even more so when it is unexpected. This means that even small mistakes become glaring, and big mistakes end the interaction immediately. But without the ability to see your mistakes, it becomes very hard to make any improvement. Thankfully, even a small number of approaches will expose them.

My biggest weakness is conversation. I cannot talk to women without it feeling forced and awkward, if I am able to talk at all. My mind simply crashes. This fact has become my amygdala’s go to excuse to keep me from approaching. I know that I will not be able to say anything to keep conversation going so I rarely try to initiate one. This is not like approach anxiety that I can just push past it. If I have nothing to say things end very quickly. Just plunging in and hoping for the best does not do much either. I am too focused on regulating my anxiety to free my mind up for creative spontaneous banter. Adrenaline is not exactly meant for relaxed conversation. The fight or flight response tends to slow higher brain function and I am left with my default programming: awkward silence.

However, when I do sleight of hand this problem rarely comes up. Currently I have about ten tricks in my arsenal. I have done each trick so many times that I can do them automatically, freeing my mind to talk and explain what is happening. I am relaxed and confident because I know that should I make a mistake I can abort the trick and move on to another one. I have a safety net. I have realized that I need the same thing when I am not doing magic. For this reason I am turning to conversational routines to get me past my lack of ability.

With a routine you are free to take risks. If you try something that does not work you can fall back to something that does. Both comedians and magicians do this. If a new joke does falls flat the comedian will follow up with a sure-fire joke to recover the audience. If a magician makes a mistake he will abort the current trick for a new one. Knowing the routine by heart also frees you up to work on other, more subtle things. You can check your body-language, watch for IOIs, plan your next move, or mentally prepare for the next routine.

With practiced routines you become free to be spontaneous. Successful improvising is not a result of randomness and guessing. Rather, it comes from practice and you must first know the routine before you can practice it. Unfortunately, you will not know if the routine will work unless you first test it. Instead of creating an original routine, find one on the manosphere that has been tried and tested. Once you have found one that you are comfortable with, the challenge is bringing the routine to the point that you can execute it with little effort. You do not want to memorize the routine word for word as that wold be counter productive. You want to focus on the interaction more than the exact words. In this case rehearsal is better than memorization. To rehearse, write the routine down. As you write, mentally walk yourself through what you will do. Describe your thoughts and feelings as you go through this imaginary approach. The point is to practice the interaction while you are not under pressure. You are training your mind to react correctly when the pressure is on. Try to think of as many outcomes as you can. It is important to put the routine on paper as it removes any ambiguity in your mind. It is also easier to correct your mistakes when you have something concrete to refer to. After you go out and try the routine you can refer back to the original, record mistakes, and tweak it.

None of this is meant to make you completely comfortable with talking to strangers. If you were completely comfortable you would not need game. The idea is to give yourself the tools you need to take yourself to the edge of your comfort zone and stretch your limits.

The man with no Game

A few days ago, at my other blog, I wrote a post in response to a plain jane scientist having a very public conniption over the fact that a shop clerk had deeply offended her by telling her she was too pretty to be a scientist. She wasn't. But my favorite response was a remarkably clueless one from a white knight in shining gamma armor named Qindai:

Wow. You guys are asshats. Enjoy the virginity.

Now, I don't know with any degree of certainty that "Qindai" is an Asian scientist, but it is clear, even from such a short statement, that the poor man might as well be because he has no Game whatsoever. As anyone who reads this blog surely knows, it is not the sort of men who leap to defend women and treat them with great solicitousness who are sexually attractive to women, but rather the "asshats" from whom these intrepid male defenders are trying to save them.

One would find it much easier to feel pity for these Gameless gammas, except for the fact that they are so self-righteous about their delusions.

Game and Weinergate

Andrew Klavan notes the unfortunate obvious:

I blame women. No, really. Women — by which I mean each and every single member of the female gender — you know who you are — need look no further than themselves to explain why Weiner-types behave toward them in this fashion. We men are always hearing complaints from women about how badly we treat them, what pigs we are, how pushy and abrasive… on and on. But what these same women conveniently fail to mention is that this stuff really works on them!

Charles C. Johnson writing about Weiner’s johnson at Big Government reports that the media has long described Weiner as “a lean, mean dating machine,” who has “a bevy of babes surrounding him,” wherever he goes. In other words, this guy has been cleaning up in the romantic department. Arnold Schwarzenegger didn’t seem to have any trouble getting dates either. Neither did alleged serial rapist Dominique Strauss-Kahn of the IMF. Chicks dig these creeps!

No doubt it will sink the spirits of many women out there and crush the romantic, white-knighting hearts of many a gamma. But the harsh, observable reality is that young women are more favorably impressed, in the sexual sense, by a man who tweets pictures of his wang to them than a man who writes them poetry or sends them flowers.

And women are MUCH more likely to make themselves sexually available to a complete jerk who practically drools as he shamelessly and inappropriately hits on them ala "the Great Seducer" than a man who is circumspect and genteel in his approach. One may not like this, but one cannot reasonably deny the observable facts of the matter. Nor can anyone claim that Roissy didn't warn them.

Loyalty is not hot

I found this exchange in the comments at Badger's to be particularly illuminating:

“How do we know whether or not our exes are genuinely interested in getting back with us, or just want a P&D?"

If, when they approach you about getting back together, they come across as confident, desirable, sexy and having their shit together, then they probably just want a pump n dump. If they come across as needy, desperate, undesirable and basically just a wreck, then they are probably serious and really miss you.

"Hah…so it’s a no-win either way."

This is a revealing insight into the female mind. The fact that the man cares about her and is genuinely interested in a relationship with her is completely outweighed by the way he carries himself in front of her. This is why all the romantic gestures and vows of eternal love tend to avail the average delta and gamma so little. Women find loyalty to be a positive trait in men, they simply do not find it to be an attractive one.

The way women initially view loyalty in men is rather like the way men view a woman having an impressive degree or a good job. It's nice and perhaps even worthy of respect, but it simply has nothing to do with whether one is going to find her attractive or not. That doesn't mean that a man's loyalty isn't valued once the relationship starts, only that it isn't going to somehow convince a woman to be attracted.

Vox Nails It, as Usual

When Vox left his comment for Tim over at HUS, I cringed. It was so harsh! Telling Tim to grow a pair, calling him an undesirable wuss. Of course, I am simply ignorant of the way men communicate with one another, because Tim liked VD's advice best of all:

@ vd: i like your advice. i’m going to write down exactly what you said to say on a 3″ X 5″ card, memorize it, and carry it in my back pocket just in case.

Learning to Swim in the Deep End

I've just put up a new post after receiving a request for advice from a 39 year-old male with zero Game and a serious case of one-itis.

I've asked the readers to contribute feedback and suggestions, and I'd be honored if any of you would care to join in. I'm leaving the convo there because the writer will be checking that comment thread.

Learning to Swim in the Deep End

Vox recommends reading and adds: this was my advice.

"First, Tim, grow a bloody pair! Second, realize that there is no “right moment” to ask a woman out. The right moment is always right now! Women absolutely DESPISE diffident men who are always waiting for that magical moment to strike. But you have to MAKE the moment. You are essentially acting like a woman, which naturally is a major turn-off to women. Stop looking for excuses to talk to her, forget about the stupid pictures and the ridiculous note, just walk directly up to her and say something like this.

“Look, I’m sorry I was such a complete coward before. Here’s the deal. I like you, I think you’re pretty, and I think we’d hit it off well together. Come have a drink with me this afternoon/tonight.”

That’s about the only chance you have of salvaging the situation, since you’ve done such a thorough job of convincing her that you’re an undesirable wuss. The thing is, YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE. If women make you nervous, let this always be your mantra:

“When you go in the lion’s den you don’t tippy toe in, you carry a spear, you go in screaming like a banshee, you kick whatever doors in, and say, ‘where’s the son of bitch.’ If you go in any other way your gonna lose.”

And if it’s too late, remember, there are plenty of girls on the girl tree."

Athol isn't cut out for this

The pressure of being the Love Doctor appears to be getting to him:

A recent email got to me.... She unleashed the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech on him and he knew enough to know that things were bad. He scrambled around the Internet for a bit and eventually found his way here. Within a day or so he's getting up to speed on the Alpha Beta thing and orders the book.

Within two weeks he's getting results and she's starting to respond to him better. It's working. But she started cheating on him three days after the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech anyway.

Eleven years together, double virgin relationship start. I had to be the one to tell him that "I gave him a blowjob and he fingered me while I was naked" was very likely not the entire truth.

It's very difficult to immerse oneself in other people's pain. It's a rare skill to be able to do so and come out unscathed, so I admire Athol's determination to subject himself to it while wanting no part in it myself.

But on the subject of betrayal, the harsh truth is that while you can improve your odds of relationship success with your behavior, the behavior of other people will always be beyond your control. If a man wants to cheat, he will. If a woman wants to cheat, she will. It may be bitterly disappointing, it may be tremendously hurtful, or it may be a lifetime pass to nailing hot 18-year old Lithuanian professionals, no matter how you react to the actions of another, the choice was never yours. And their choice does not need to define the rest of your life.

The important thing, I think, is to realize that an individual who is willing to betray you is an individual who never merited your trust from the start. They are not the person you thought they were, that person never existed. That doesn't make them an intrinsically awful or evil person, it simply means that your faith in them was built on a false foundation. Whether you forgive and forget or whether you move on without looking back, it is necessary to deal with the reality of the individual, not the fictional notion of who you thought they were.