Alpha Mail: the self-esteem defense hamster

Jill provides us with a vivid portrait of the female self-esteem defense hamster, which is not to be confused with the rationalization hamster:

Has it occurred to any of you that we women couldn't give a crap what you think about our hair? Honestly, this whole discussion makes you guys appear to be pathetic, shallow, and insecure. You're the last people I'd EVER want to impress so why would I care if you like my hair or not?

This is classic female illogic combined with false posturing. Of course it has not occurred to us that women couldn't give a crap what we think about their hair, for the obvious reason that women readily break down and cry if we only refrain from praising how they have reduced their attractiveness to us by chopping off their hair. Asking "do you like it?" and "what do you think?" is a very ineffective means of demonstrating a lack of concern. So is having your face crumble into tears and snivels when a man greets your "super-cute" new androgynous look with nothing more than a raised eyebrow and a shake of the head.

Jill's emotional projection is readily apparent. If she truly didn't care what men thought about her hair, she wouldn't be lashing out with such vehemence. She really shouldn't care whether we like her hair or not, since we are but faceless, sexless pixels on her screen, but because she is shallow, insecure, and female, she does. But even more amusing than her illogic was her sputtering incoherence:

"You can prefer whatever the hell you want. What's offensive is that you seem to think that your preferences = fact."

She dimly realized that being offended by our preferences made no sense, so she attempts to manufacture an excuse... only our preferences are pure matters of fact. They are simply what they are. I strongly prefer long hair, as do 56 percent of men in general. Note that the best showing for a short hairstyle was the 10 percent of men who favor the classic bob.

It's no concern of mine if Jill decides that she would like to limit her appeal to the 7 percent of men who claim to like pixie cuts instead of the majority of them, but it shouldn't be incomprehensible to her where we get these ideas. Of course, to any competent theoretician of Game, it's entirely comprehensible how her self-esteem defense hamster produces hers. What Jill has chiefly failed to understand is that because we have no need of her approval or her vagina, her attempt to influence us by threatening our socio-sexual rank is doomed to failure.

Her futile efforts are all the more amusing given the way in which she's not only attempting to socio-sexually devalue a sigma, but one who already has a much hotter and higher-value woman than Jill.

The Ultimate in Anti-Game

If you are interested in improving your Game, just watch this video. Then, in every circumstance, do exactly the opposite of what you imagine a Conscious Man would do in that situation.



As one of the Dread Ilk pointed out, self-emasculation has seldom proven to be an effective means of attracting women.

Women: don't cut your damn hair

Athol Kay explains why it is a bad idea:

Dozens of times in my life I've experienced having one of those mild background crush feelings for a woman, instantly disappear as soon as she cuts her hair very short. I mean seriously, real feelings of attraction just instantly gone. Monday I was into you with your pretty shoulder length hair; Tuesday morning arrived and you walked in with it trimmed away to not all that much, and I have no more attraction to you.

Of course all her friends and coworkers just love her new hair style! Of course they would, she just botched her appearance and if she falls off the top of the sexy ladder, everyone else gets to move up a place. So like OMG I just love it!

I am among the many men who absolutely despise short hair on women. If a woman's hairstyle is described as "cute", I can just about guarantee that I'm going to hate it. Even when an attractive woman can pull it off, she almost invariably looks even better with long hair. Spacebunny has long, blonde hair, longer than it was when we met, and I like it just as it is. I would hate for her to cut it off. Athol is correct to point out the ulterior motive women have for praising women who chop their hair off, as it makes them look more attractive in comparison.

So why do women do it when so many men actively hate short hair? I think there are two reasons, one which applies to younger women and one which applies to older women. Because only a very pretty woman can look attractive in a short hairstyle, female logic tells the woman contemplating hair-butchery that if she cuts her hair off and can manage to pull off the look, then she must be extremely attractive. This sounds absurd to the rational mind, but remember, most women overrate themselves by at least two points because they rate themselves by their hottest-ever hookup rather than by the average of their past romantic record. And since she will inevitably be rewarded with praise from her female friends, she wrongly concludes that she has indeed pulled it off and is therefore highly attractive even as her attractiveness drops a point or two in the eyes of all the men around her.

The second reason is that women are much more concerned about hair health than men are. So, as they age and their hair turns grey and loses texture and body, they believe they will look better if they just cut it off. Which is ridiculous, at least as far as men are concerned, as evidenced by Athol's preference for his wife's "badly-damaged-with-an-accidental-bleaching-incident" hair to her healthy, natural, brunette hair. One need only to have lived in the 80s to realize that men could not possibly care less about the appeal of "healthy hair" what with all the perms, home-bleaching, and cheap hair spray that was de rigueur back then.

The unpleasant, but observable fact is that post-menopausal women who cut their hair off tend to look like short, squatty men, even if they elect to rock that inexplicable blue puff perm on top that is apparently meant to signify female status. Forget who is more attractive, who looks more female, this woman or this one? Guys of any age don't care how healthy a woman's hair happens to look if she looks like a freaking man; it's not as if men turn gay because Matt Damon's coiffure has a healthy, well-conditioned shine.

Anyhow, if you're a woman, let your locks flow long and don't trust any woman who encourages you to chop them off. The more hair, the more better.

A Zen Master of Game?

Yesterday I put up a post about Yohami, an occasional blogger but more prolific commenter on Game blogs. He has successfully journeyed from omega (his description - personally, I find it hard to believe, he's a musician) to a guy who does very well with women. He's been nicknamed the Zen Master and I think he's earned it. You can find some of his best insights here:

The Wisdom of Yohami

The comment thread is interesting so far - there's a lot of controversy and conversation about what Game really is, or should be. I've been accused of having drunk the Yohami Kool-Aid, which may be true. It's pretty clearly a group of lovers and haters over there.

Sarcasm: The sixth love language

Observing an ALPHA in the wild is fascinating:

Yesterday I was visiting with a group of friends. All of them were married and about a decade older than me. There were three couples and myself. They were all Christian.

We were discussing relationships and how marriages work, which seems to come up a lot when I am answering questions about my polygamist background. At some point one of the women mentioned that she thought that there was a sixth love language: she said she felt loved when her husband was sarcastic with her. This immediately caught my attention and I pressed for details. She explained that if her husband did not tease and make fun of her she felt like he was ignoring her. She said his teasing included comments like: "you look fat in that" or "you're going out in those shoes?" If someone complimented her in his presence he would take their compliment, turn it around, and tease her about it for days. His daughter joined in and confirmed what her mother was saying. The wife said she would also tease back and make fun of her husband, turning the interaction into playful banter. Yet she knew that certain things were off limits since he did have insecurities. A lesser man may have been upset if his wife said he had insecurities but this guy seemed totally unaffected. If I was so ALPHA that my wife no longer felt the need to shit test me I suppose people talking about my insecurities would have no effect on me either.

In the past I would have wondered how they could get away with being rude and sarcastic to each other, but from what I have learned from game I could tell that they were doing exactly what they should. He was negging/teasing his wife on a regular basis, and she toned down her shit tests, possibly because he acted ALPHA the majority of the time. What really struck me though was that they consciously knew what they were doing and could talk about it clearly. They used different terms but it was as if they made a habit of reading Roissy or Athol Kay. I was impressed.

The reaction of the other two men in the conversation was not so positive as mine. One said that he could only stand so much sarcasm before he had to leave a conversation, while his wife loved being sarcastic. I wondered how she would respond if her husband began being sarcastic back? The other said he could never get away with being sarcastic with his wife. She was too sensitive. I found it somewhat strange that one of the men in the group could tease his wife, and his daughters, and have them see it as love, and the other men were either afraid or very uncomfortable with the idea. I wondered how good their marriages were. I wish I could have told them about game, but based on past experience most men simply dismiss it out of hand, so I said nothing.

This ALPHA did not say much, he simply smiled calmly, while his wife and daughter were radiating happiness when they talked about him. I suspect that he had very little reason to speak up: why talk when you have everything important figured out?

Three minutes

Three minutes. 180 seconds. That's how long a man has before a woman categorizes him into one of two slots: "yeah, I would" or "no, I would never".

The average female spends 180 seconds sizing up a man's looks and fashion sense as well as appraising his scent, accent and eloquence, the Daily Mail reports. Women are also quick to judge how a man interacts with her friends and whether or not he is appropriately successful or ambitious. They study found women are reluctant to change their minds about a man and are likely to believe 'they are always right' in their judgements.

This explains a great deal about why Game functions so effectively and why men have such a difficult time accepting it. Men reject the observable fact of Game because it shows that their basic approach to women is largely futile and counterproductive. Most men think in terms of getting to know a woman and gradually demonstrating to her that he merits her sexual interest in him. I know successful, good-looking men who will take up to six months "getting to know" a woman and "waiting for the right moment" to express romantic interest in her... and usually discover that she is involved with someone she met after she first met them.

But this has the process precisely backward! The problem is that the woman had already made up her mind about them after the first three minutes, on average. (NB: "Yeah, I would" does NOT mean "Yes, I definitely will". That usually requires alcohol or a three-point difference in attractiveness.) Perhaps it was a little less, perhaps it was a little more, but regardless, all that men manage to do in attempting to demonstrate their worthiness over time is to disqualify themselves by appearing weak, passive, and indecisive. In general, it is very difficult to move from the "no" category to the "maybe" one; it is much easier to move from "maybe" to "no". Remember, "women are reluctant to change their minds about a man". So, the first lesson is to cease attempting to demonstrate worthiness to women over time, because it simply isn't going to work in most situations.

The second lesson is that men who lack wives or girlfriends should focus improving aspects of themselves that are readily apparent within three minutes. This is why spending a few hours at the gym a week, improving your wardrobe, or developing an arrogant swagger is much more likely to achieve positive results than spending a few hours reading philosophy and improving your character or devoting time to serving your fellow man. Women are not attracted to character. They may value it, to be sure, but male character doesn't fill them with sexual desire any more than skill in the kitchen or being an excellent mother makes a woman more physically attractive to men.

So, three minutes. That's all you've got. If it isn't perceived or communicated within three minutes, it doesn't exist. That's why the shallow alpha buffoons often look so attractive in comparison with psychologically stronger men of greater character. What the alpha has may not count for much in the long run, but something will always beat nothing if it is there when it counts.

This also explains why omega mouth is such a fatal mistake. Remember, if she's engaged beyond the three minute mark and isn't sending indications of disinterest, you're already potentially qualified. You're halfway there and the game is now to avoid disqualifying yourself, not to talk her into qualifying you. So, unless you are a natural alpha whose instincts merit trust or you happen to blessed with a scintillating charm that permits you to get away with almost anything, keep the temptation to run your mouth in check, let her do all the talking, and allow the natural process of attraction to unfold.

Alpha Mail: Game and parenting

PC wonders about how to transmit the lessons of Game:

I've enjoyed reading your game posts as well as Roissy and others. It has explained some mysteries from my single days, and still applies somewhat, now that I've been married for a long time. Here's the rub: given this model of female behavior, how does one raise daughters? Mine are currently pre-teen.

Some things are pretty obvious:

1) Don't "ride the alpha carousel". Not expressed in those words, of course. More along the lines of "don't give away your heart until you find the one you'll marry."

2) Choose very carefully:
a) Would you be willing to "submit" to this person for the rest of your life? We're Catholic, so "submission" is hardly emphasized at all.
b) Is this the person you want to be the "daddy" of your children?
c) Is this the family you want to marry into?
d) Any red flags?

3) It's okay to be friends with boys, but avoid dating any but "good prospects." See #1.

Less obvious:

4) Being aware of "the hamster".
5) Attraction vs. suitability.
6) College/Career.

What have I missed? My wife was a single mom with a career until we had our son. Since then she has stayed at home. She's not always happy with that choice, but sees the value in it.

What you've missed is that subtlety is entirely lost on women, especially young women. Women are astonishingly - and I would go so far as to argue willfully - obtuse when it comes to not understanding what they do not wish to understand. Ask any Gamma or Delta who has loyally laid his heart at a woman's feet for months, if not years, and whose first romantic gesture is still treated as if it plunged unexpectedly out of orbit, just how observant women are of subtlety.

Anything short of "don't spread your pretty little legs for exciting losers" is going to be completely lost on PC's daughters. But because they are too young for that sort of direct message at this point in time, what PC needs to be instilling in them is a respect for male strength and a desire to seek male approval. The woman who can distinguish between genuine dominance and the strutter's parody of it in the three seconds that women allot to sexually categorizing men is the one who will be less likely to find herself riding the carousel throughout her twenties.